Topic: TV Recaps

Lifetime Movie Lizzie Borden Took An Ax Was One Giant ‘MUAHAHAHA’

Lifetime Movie Lizzie Borden Took An Ax Was One Giant 'MUAHAHAHA'

If you were to transcribe the new Lifetime movie Lizzie Borden Took An Ax, no matter what utensil you used, your hand would just involuntarily write MUAHAHAHA over and over again for page after page. Oh, except in the middle you would just write ZZZZZZZZZZZZ, because that was when all the dull courtroom drama happened. So it was an evil drawn-out cackle with a nap in the middle. More »

Lifetime’s Flowers In The Attic Was An Even Hotter Mess Than You Thought It Would Be

Lifetime's Flowers In The Attic Was An Even Hotter Mess Than You Thought It Would Be

The costumes looked good. Sorry, I just wanted to get my only positive comment about this movie out of the way right off the bat to save Lifetime the energy of reading my whole review if they decide to borrow a quote for one of their promos. It probably won’t come as a surprise that Flowers in the Attic — or, as it should have been called, WTF: The Movie — was a disaster of incestuous proportions. More »

Blindsided Fulfills Lifetime’s New Year’s Resolution To Show More Movies About Blind Ladies

Blindsided Fulfills Lifetime's New Year's Resolution To Show More Movies About Blind Ladies

Not only is the title a play on the fact that it’s about a blind person, but it’s also a foolproof technique to get people mindlessly searching the channel guide on a Saturday night to think they’re about to watch The Blind Side and then decide to watch this movie anyway because there’s nothing else on. I see you, Lifetime. Unlike your heroine, I am not blind. More »

Lifetime’s Christmas In The City Teaches The Meaning Of Christmas, Which We Somehow Keep Forgetting

Lifetime's Christmas In The City Teaches The Meaning Of Christmas, Which We Somehow Keep Forgetting

It made me realize how many times we as humans forget the meaning of Christmas. I’m not being schmaltzy. I really want to know why we can’t retain that information in our minds after we’ve seen five hundred movies explaining it to us. Is it like high school math? As soon as we take the test it seeps out of our brains and we have to learn it all over again next year? More »