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(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Out specimens are about to leave Italy, and so this is the last we will see of them for a while. Presumably, they will hibernate like wild animals do in the winter.
0:30 – We see our specimen The Situation, who’s not wearing pants and talking about how he’s not wearing pants.
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Many of our specimens are sick, which is not surprising, because a diet of limoncello, vodka and tears is not particularly great for the immune system.
3:00 – Deena expresses her desire to copulate with Pauly. She does this in the very subtle and sophisticated manner of saying, “I want to fuck you.”
4:00 – Snooki and JWOWW crawl into bed, sick. The other specimens leave for the club. More
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – Snooki crawls out of Vinny’s bed at an early hour and rubs her eyes. “What’s that light stuff peeking through the windows?” she wonders. It is daylight which means that Snooki is awake before dusk for the first time in her life. (Diagnosis: Snooki is not a vampire.)
1:30 – Snooki realizes its 7:30 AM. She wakes JWOWW to tell her how early in the morning it is. More
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – We see our specimen Snooki in the aftermath of her car accident. The cops have arrived quickly because the cops were in the car she hit.
0:30 – The cops give Snooki a breathalyzer test. She passes. (Analysis: Her alcohol level was so high it broke the breathalyzer and reset it to zero.)
1:00 – The cops drag Snooki into their van. She reads herself her own version of the Miranda Rights, which goes: “This sucks.” More
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – We find our specimens exactly where we left them: Ronnie is pacing around in Hulk-mode, gearing up to attack The Situation; The Situation is getting pumped for a fight; Sammi is sobbing salty margarita tears.
1:00 – Faced with Ronnie the Steroid, The Situation tries to cram six month’s worth of fight training into 30 seconds.
2:00 – Situation slams his own head into the wall, presumably out of excitement. He slumps down. Stars float around his skull and the “Rocky” theme song plays, on kazoo.
5:00 – Sitch lies on the couch with a cold compress on his head. The girls are worried he may have injured his head and also possibly his brain. More
You guys watching the MTV Video Music Awards? We are, obviously. although it’s pretty difficult to focus on anything other than the blinding sparkles that cover the bodices of most of the women in attendance. You heard it here first: seizure-inducing kaleidoscope sparkles are in for fall. More
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – It’s another morning in the Italian villa of our human specimens, and they crawl from their darkened bedrooms on all fours. Brittany, Situation’s blonde twin, emerges to try and track down her partner in hair dye and DNA.
0:30 – Brittany finds Erica asleep in Vinny’s bed. Erica doesn’t want to get up. Apropos of nothing, the twins both insist that they’re their own individual people who don’t need to do everything together. Instantly, they have ruined their appeal.
2:00 – Our specimens engage in exposition for those at home who missed last week’s episode. Vinny tells the tale of how Deena entered their bedroom to find Erica in his bed, mid pre-copulation ritual, and stole her away to her own bed like a Visigoth after too many chalices of mead. More
(By an anthropologist)
0:30 – The Situation emerges from his cavelike bedroom dragging a blonde woman behind him. He calls Brittany a cab and lies down on a daybed.
1:00 – A pigeon appears. It startles Sitch and he falls off the bed. It’s basically a Hitchcock film.
2:00 – Snooki and Ronnie are bonding because they both like to work out and drink alcohol. They decide to go to the gym. They are 100% compatible on eHarmony.
3:00 – Snooki and Ronnie get hopelessly lost on the streets of Florence. Neither can read a map. They are 100% compatible on JDate. More
00:00 – The specimens emerge inside their natural habitat, another shitty club with loud music and neon drinks that probably cost as much as a glass of decent scotch at a normal bar, anyway.
2:00 – Deena and Pauly engage in a sophisticated mating ritual. They kiss and Deena bites Pauly’s lip to signify that she’s hungry and would like to eat his face if no food presents itself soon. Deena tells Pauly that they should go back to the house to “hook-up” (normal human vocabulary for “smoosh”), to which Pauly responds, “I know, right?”
2:30 – Our humans engage in an extremely elaborate discussion of whether or not Deena and Pauly should engage in intercourse. Snooki and Pauly talk aboutit: Snooki thinks they should copulate because Deena has always wanted to do that with Pauly. Pauly says they probably will have intercourse, but is concerned that Deena might have feelings for him. (Note: Might these creatures have feelings? Put an intern on it.) More
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(By an anthropologist)
00:00 – The Creature known as Snooki appears in a floppy leopard print hat and rhinestone shoes that allow her to camouflage with her surroundings. She reveals a first grader’s grasp of geography: “Italy is like that big country. No, Europe is like that big country. And then you have like Britain in there and England. And Italy.”
1:40 – Deena explains that in Italy she expects to bring a guy home, though she won’t “do sex” right away. Doing sex is a Jersey Shore colloquialism that means “exchanging ten or twelve words with a stranger and then getting naked in the shower.”
2:30 – Vinny thinks he has grown a beard although he has not. Perhaps he has grown two days’ worth of stubble, although confirmation of this won’t come until the lab results are returned. Vinny wonders if any of the housemates will recognize him. Diagnosis: Delusional behavior, too much cultural saturation of the Superman/Clark Kent anomaly. More
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Jersey Shore‘s gruesome twosome Sammi Giancola and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro are back on. Several paparazzi photos from Florence, where the cast is filming the next season of the series, show the couple hugging, holding hands, and generally engaging in a lot of annoying PDA. Combined with the rumors that Ronnie and The Situation got into a fight earlier this week about something related to Sammi, it looks we’re in for a lot of the same bullshit this season that we had to deal with last season. More
Last season on Jersey Shore, Sammi Giancola‘s maybe-friendship maybe-hookup with Arvin Lal caused even more drama than usual in her match-made-in-hell relationship with Ronnie Ortiz-Magro. Arvin gave an interview to Brown Girl about his experience on the show. Interesting thing I learned: Indian-American people can be Guidos too! More
After three closely-packed-together seasons of Jersey Shore, the show is starting to wear a little bit thin. Most of the last season centered around Sammi Giancola and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro‘s horrible codependent relationship instead of around the house jokes and clubbing scenes that made the show a hit in the first place. Now, Jersey Shore is going on the road and filming a season in Italy. It was an interesting concept, but I think it’s going to fail spectacularly. More
