Topic: Pauly D

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Motherland

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Motherland

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – Snooki crawls out of Vinny’s bed at an early hour and rubs her eyes. “What’s that light stuff peeking through the windows?” she wonders. It is daylight which means that Snooki is awake before dusk for the first time in her life. (Diagnosis: Snooki is not a vampire.)

1:30 – Snooki realizes its 7:30 AM. She wakes JWOWW to tell her how early in the morning it is. More »

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Pregnancy Scare

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Pregnancy Scare

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – Our specimens emerge hungover for the 11th time this week. Deena, Pauly and Ronnie head to the pizzeria for a day of work.

1:00 – Snooki wakes in her pink leopard-print (endangered species) dress from the night before and tries to track down her mate, Jionni, who abandoned her in a fit of rage.

2:00 – Snooki wants to talk to JWOWW, but JWOWW’s asleep. (Diagnosis: adaptive defense mechanism.) So Snooki puts on her furry boots (soon-to-be-extinct species, hopefully) and heads out alone. More »

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Jionni Is In The Building

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Jionni Is In The Building

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – We see our specimen Snooki in the aftermath of her car accident. The cops have arrived quickly because the cops were in the car she hit.

0:30 – The cops give Snooki a breathalyzer test. She passes. (Analysis: Her alcohol level was so high it broke the breathalyzer and reset it to zero.)

1:00 – The cops drag Snooki into their van. She reads herself her own version of the Miranda Rights, which goes: “This sucks.” More »

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Vaginas Have Come Out

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Vaginas Have Come Out

(By and anthropologist)

1:00 – Our specimens JWOWW, Ronnie and Snooki walk to work. They talk about Snooki’s made, Jionni, whom no one likes because he has terrible pheromones.

1:30 – The women arrive at work. Snooki says she doesn’t feel like working. So she decides to not work at work.

2:00 – Ronnie yells at women with a bullhorn.

3:00 – Marco, the pizzeria boss, gives the group a 15 minute break so they can go shopping for their weekend trip to the beach. They shop for 11 hours.
More »

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Those Guidos on TV

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Those Guidos on TV

(By an anthropologist.)

0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it’s that he probably shouldn’t ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.)

2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi’s room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?)

4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life.
More »

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Situation Vs. A Wall

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Situation Vs. A Wall

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – We find our specimens exactly where we left them: Ronnie is pacing around in Hulk-mode, gearing up to attack The Situation; The Situation is getting pumped for a fight; Sammi is sobbing salty margarita tears.

1:00 – Faced with Ronnie the Steroid, The Situation tries to cram six month’s worth of fight training into 30 seconds.

2:00 – Situation slams his own head into the wall, presumably out of excitement. He slumps down. Stars float around his skull and the “Rocky” theme song plays, on kazoo.

5:00 – Sitch lies on the couch with a cold compress on his head. The girls are worried he may have injured his head and also possibly his brain. More »

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Bi-Curiously Lesbionic

Jersey Shore Field Notes: Bi-Curiously Lesbionic

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – It’s another morning in the Italian villa of our human specimens, and they crawl from their darkened bedrooms on all fours. Brittany, Situation’s blonde twin, emerges to try and track down her partner in hair dye and DNA.

0:30 – Brittany finds Erica asleep in Vinny’s bed. Erica doesn’t want to get up. Apropos of nothing, the twins both insist that they’re their own individual people who don’t need to do everything together. Instantly, they have ruined their appeal.

2:00 – Our specimens engage in exposition for those at home who missed last week’s episode. Vinny tells the tale of how Deena entered their bedroom to find Erica in his bed, mid pre-copulation ritual, and stole her away to her own bed like a Visigoth after too many chalices of mead. More »

‘Jersey Shore’ Field Notes: Bongiorno Italia

'Jersey Shore' Field Notes: Bongiorno Italia

(By an anthropologist)

00:00 – The Creature known as Snooki appears in a floppy leopard print hat and rhinestone shoes that allow her to camouflage with her surroundings. She reveals a first grader’s grasp of geography: “Italy is like that big country. No, Europe is like that big country. And then you have like Britain in there and England. And Italy.”

1:40 – Deena explains that in Italy she expects to bring a guy home, though she won’t “do sex” right away. Doing sex is a Jersey Shore colloquialism that means “exchanging ten or twelve words with a stranger and then getting naked in the shower.”

2:30 – Vinny thinks he has grown a beard although he has not. Perhaps he has grown two days’ worth of stubble, although confirmation of this won’t come until the lab results are returned. Vinny wonders if any of the housemates will recognize him. Diagnosis: Delusional behavior, too much cultural saturation of the Superman/Clark Kent anomaly. More »