(By an anthropologist.)
0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it’s that he probably shouldn’t ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.)
2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi’s room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?)
4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life.
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – We find our specimens exactly where we left them: Ronnie is pacing around in Hulk-mode, gearing up to attack The Situation; The Situation is getting pumped for a fight; Sammi is sobbing salty margarita tears.
1:00 – Faced with Ronnie the Steroid, The Situation tries to cram six month’s worth of fight training into 30 seconds.
2:00 – Situation slams his own head into the wall, presumably out of excitement. He slumps down. Stars float around his skull and the “Rocky” theme song plays, on kazoo.
5:00 – Sitch lies on the couch with a cold compress on his head. The girls are worried he may have injured his head and also possibly his brain. More
(By an anthropologist)
0:30 – The Situation emerges from his cavelike bedroom dragging a blonde woman behind him. He calls Brittany a cab and lies down on a daybed.
1:00 – A pigeon appears. It startles Sitch and he falls off the bed. It’s basically a Hitchcock film.
2:00 – Snooki and Ronnie are bonding because they both like to work out and drink alcohol. They decide to go to the gym. They are 100% compatible on eHarmony.
3:00 – Snooki and Ronnie get hopelessly lost on the streets of Florence. Neither can read a map. They are 100% compatible on JDate. More
One of the perks of being a celebrity is all the free stuff: designers will send you clothing for free, because they want you to wear it. Not if you’re Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, however. Abercrombie and Fitch is trying to pay Mike not to wear their clothes, because they feel he’s negatively affecting the company’s image. Ha!The whole thing is pretty ridiculous, so naturally, some of Twitter’s funniest personalities weighed in: More
00:00 – The specimens emerge inside their natural habitat, another shitty club with loud music and neon drinks that probably cost as much as a glass of decent scotch at a normal bar, anyway.
2:00 – Deena and Pauly engage in a sophisticated mating ritual. They kiss and Deena bites Pauly’s lip to signify that she’s hungry and would like to eat his face if no food presents itself soon. Deena tells Pauly that they should go back to the house to “hook-up” (normal human vocabulary for “smoosh”), to which Pauly responds, “I know, right?”
2:30 – Our humans engage in an extremely elaborate discussion of whether or not Deena and Pauly should engage in intercourse. Snooki and Pauly talk aboutit: Snooki thinks they should copulate because Deena has always wanted to do that with Pauly. Pauly says they probably will have intercourse, but is concerned that Deena might have feelings for him. (Note: Might these creatures have feelings? Put an intern on it.) More
The Situation‘s widely panned bit at Donald Trump‘s Friars Club roast was just as terrible as everyone said it was. While the racist joke he made was indeed cut from the final broadcast, what was left over still wasn’t that funny. (I suspect that the cutaway shot of Ice-T shaking his head and looking offended was actually the reaction to the racist joke.) More
Jersey Shore castoff Angelina Pivarnick hasn’t gotten much press since leaving the show for the second time, so she’s relying on talking shit about other cast members in order to stay relevant. This time, the subject of her ire is The Situation, whom Angelina knew before going on the show (they’re both from Staten Island and dated before becoming Seaside Heights housemates). She told Popeater, “I think Mike is gay. I think he’s gay because of the way he talks and the way he abuses girls. He talks down to women.” More
Remember that Terry Richardson photo shoot with the Jersey Shore boys and Bar Refaeli? Well the Interview magazine issue featuring the pics and an interview with Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Vinny Guadagnino, and “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio is on newsstands now. More
For those who enjoy collecting the least important pop culture “memorabilia” out there, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is trying to sell his old car. This is only news because he’s pitching it as if there’s something more interesting to it … More
Here’s your Jersey Shore news of the day: All this week, our favorite Jersey Shore cast members are reenacting scenes from Oscar nominated films on the Lopez Tonight. We have two words for this video series idea: Friggin Brilliant. Last … More
What’s new in the star-studded Twitterverse? We’ve scanned our favorite celeb Twitter feeds for the day’s funniest, wackiest, most profound and most inane Tweets. Don’t forget to follow @Crushabledotcom for celebrity news, gossip, and the stuff you care about. Eva … More
I’m not a fan of the reality show Jersey Shore. I understand that a lot of people like the show, but I just don’t get it. (Sorry!) Yesterday, two of the “stars” of that show were on the red carpet … More