Topic: memoir

Fan Fiction: An Excerpt From Billy Joel’s Memoir

Fan Fiction: An Excerpt From Billy Joel's Memoir

We were incredibly disappointed when we learned that Billy Joel had decided to cancel his $3 million memoir, The Book of Joel, which had been slated to come out this summer. But lucky us, we got our hands on an exclusive excerpt from the unpublished book:

“I was spending a lot of time at the Executive Bar on Wilshire those days, mostly to work and then occasionally afterwards to flip through the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue with some of the staff and argue about who we most wanted to bone (my answer was “all of them.” Jokes on those guys, huh?).

Those nights all kind of ran together, but I do remember one in particular that serves as a pretty good stand-in for the general tone of things. It was a Saturday, I think, on the trail of one of those early summer evenings when Los Angeles felt steeped in its own heat, the hazy lights of the Wiltern radiating West to La Cienega, where at that very moment Elton John and a Sri Lankan busboy were going though a copy of the Sports Illustrated Cricket Issue, arguing about who they most wanted to bone. More »

True Story: I Was An Anorexic Ballerina

True Story: I Was An Anorexic Ballerina

My name is Sarah, and I am a ballerina. I was a dancer from the time I was 4 years old until the age of 20. I became more serious about dance, specifically in ballet in my early teens and decided to focus on that, rather than tap or modern dance, because the company I danced with had a very large ballet collaboration with girls of every age and it had always fascinated me. I wanted to be a part of it. When I was in my early twenties, I moved away from the studio I had danced at my whole life. I was a good dancer, but I knew then and still know that I did not have what it takes to be a professional ballerina.

To become a professional ballerina, the first thing you need is a lot of time – to rehearse for multiple hours at a time, every day. As a student, I couldn’t devote that time. Your body has to look a certain way, all the way down to your feet. Long, lean and thin are the adjectives that describe the way a ballerina should look. It takes an incredible amount of time and effort to make movements look effortless. People don’t realize this. More »

Memoir: My Parents Think I’m Famous

Memoir: My Parents Think I'm Famous

The end of September marked my one month anniversary of writing for Crushable. It has been the time of my life! I’ve written more than I ever have in my college and high school career combined – and actually enjoyed it. I’m proud and excited that I finally found something that I love doing. But my new found confidence and comfort in my job is nothing compared to the intense pride my parents feel. I’m actually doing something that isn’t retail or Starbucks (there, I said it, I worked at Starbucks). More »

Memoir: It’s Not OCD, It’s ‘Personality Quirks’

Memoir: It's Not OCD, It's 'Personality Quirks'

He called it “OCD” but I prefer to think of it as “UGF”.

The doctor and I managed to get to the topic of children during one long and memorable appointment. He asked for my thoughts.

“Well, they aren’t my favorite…”
He could not understand how someone could dislike children. After all, children are cute and loveable. How could I say such a thing? My answer was simple and honest.

“Their hands are always sticky.”

He looked me straight in the eye.

“You have OCD.”
More »

Memoir: I’m Obsessed With Nose Strips

Memoir: I'm Obsessed With Nose Strips

In addition to holding the distinction of being Anne Hathaway’s pre-breakout breakout movie, The Princess Diaries is notable in my mind for one scene that perfectly depicts 2001’s skincare zeitgeist. Princess Mia’s indie rock crush, who she totally broke a date with in a regrettable moment of lust for Erik von Detten, catches her in a private moment–her nose is encased in a Biore Pore Strip. Oh, the utter humiliation of your crush finding out you suffer from clogged pores! More »

Memoir: I’m A Walking Anxiety Disorder

Memoir: I'm A Walking Anxiety Disorder

One night about three years ago — back when I lived in Los Angeles — I was driving home from a friend’s house fairly late. I was going about 70 on the freeway and was 10 minutes from home when the white van in front of me slowed down and put on its hazards. By all practical logic, the van was probably about to overheat or had just popped a tire. But my reaction? “Oh Shit! It’s one of those crazy highway snipers you always see on shows like CSI and Law & Order. He’s waiting for me, a random passerby, in his van at 2 in the morning, and he’s going to MURDER me!”

I went into a full-on panic and considered stopping right there on the 101 freeway. Deciding that action would probably result a different form of death, I held my breath and ducked. Crossing my fingers and fighting tears, I drove past the van. And then… Silence. If the guy was a sniper, he sure didn’t want crazy old me as his target. More »

Memoir: I’m Not Your Typical Vegan

Memoir: I'm Not Your Typical Vegan

What do you think of when you hear the word “vegan”? A straight-edge hardcore kid with neck tattoos? Your hippie aunt who never married and lives in Northampton with five cats? That willowy girl from your high school who ate only lima beans? How badly you want to eat a steak right now?

Personally, it makes me think of getting a snack, because it describes all the food I’ve eaten for the past seven years. That’s right, I’m one of those people. After I get some hummus and pita from the fridge, I will tell you how I, an otherwise hedonistic person, got this way. More »

Memoir: I Was Scammed Out Of My Apartment

Memoir: I Was Scammed Out Of My Apartment

As a 20-year-old girl with a year of metropolitan living under my belt, I genuinely believed that I was no longer the ideal candidate for a local apartment scam. Turns out my naturally oblivious Southern Belle attitude would beat my hardcore NYC chick attitude in an arm wrestling match. After reluctantly spending twelve months in Murray Hill — New York City’s least interesting neighborhood — I was more than ready to venture to Williamsburg, Brooklyn. After I had been to about eight apartments filled with guys in cargo shorts and rainbow flip flops, I finally arrived at the door of an apartment that didn’t make me want to be sick all over the welcome mat. More »

Memoir: Tiki Barber’s Girlfriend Traci Johnson Reveals The Truth Behind The Tabloid Stories

Memoir: Tiki Barber's Girlfriend Traci Johnson Reveals The Truth Behind The Tabloid Stories

I am no Emily Post when it comes to relationships. I certainly don’t have all the answers when it comes to love and I’ve made countless mistakes when it comes to the men that have dotted the pages of my life. While I don’t meet the qualifications for writing a book on the proper dating etiquette, I could pen a column or two about maintain the hope that your one true love is waiting right around the corner, all the while stumbling through relationships along the way. More »

Memoir: How My Delinquent Middle School Blog Came Back To Save Me

Memoir: How My Delinquent Middle School Blog Came Back To Save Me

An abstract of my 8th grade LiveJournal would probably look something like this: “HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!! ME + C.W. = OFFICIAL <3. Finally! Would have been a perfect day if I hadn’t gotten in trouble for dress code. SO STUPID. I mean you can totally see the asst. principle’s THONG through her skirt so WHY do I have to make sure every inch of my midriff is covered when I raise my hand? It’s a fucking BELLY-BUTTON not a Playboy centerfold!! FUCK THAT.” More »

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