I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that Nick Cannon masturbates to his wife Mariah Carey’s songs, or the fact that he admitted it to Howard Stern. More
Don’t worry, they’re “totally desensitized.” More
As the queen of no boundaries, I have been known to ask my male friends (or parents) many the inappropriate question in my day. What can I say? I’m curious about such things. And few things fascinate me more than dudes and their masturbation habits. Call me crazy, but I’m interested. Clearly the girls over at Gurl share my curiosity. More
Pumpkin-shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and orange-colored Oreos: both well appreciated Halloween-themed products. But that’s because they’re things to eat and not tools for male masturbation. Fleshlight, the vagina-facsimile masturbation sleeve brand, is releasing four monster-themed “Freak” toys just in time for Halloween. There’s Drac, pictured here, Frankenstein, a zombie and a cyborg. More
I’ve never had a sex dream about a celebrity. (I’m not sure I have ever had a “sex dream” at all, in fact. I’ve had dreams with lots of foreplay, but something generally interrupts before any actual sex takes place. Someone reminds me about something I need to do. Or the woman just suddenly disappears. Or the Nazis show up.) But for about a year between the ages of 13 and 14, I had a recurrent dream of a sexual nature involving a celebrity. In the dream, I am lying on my bed, pleasuring myself, when the door swings open and standing there is Cliff Huxtable. Not Bill Cosby, mind you, though clearly it is, but in the dream I absolutely know that the man standing there is Cliff Huxtable — and he’s my dad. There I am, mid-stroke, looking up at him in shock, but not quite able to stop what I am doing. And instead of reacting as my real father would, with an embarrassed gasp and an awkward retreat, Cliff just said, “Carry on, son,” and shut the door. And I would. Carry on.
This morning, I got a press release about a new site called Thank Your Wank, which, as far as I can tell, is a place for finding photos of people to jerk off to. As if that were hard to do, in any way? The way it works: you type in the name of the person you most recently “wanked” to, and image results of their faces show up. I typed in Ryan Gosling‘s name, because, well… you don’t need to know why, okay? Jeez, get off my back. More
We are freaking out in joy to bring you guys the latest installment (after a brief hiatus) of John Ungaro‘s Avenger Comedy series. Though you may be in love now, it’s never too early to start thinking about prenups, as this sketch “Divorce Proceedings” is quick to remind you. Screw custody battles over the kids: when dividing up your belongings make sure you get sole ownership of the beat-off shed. More
• Having big boobs might make you popular with the guys, but they can be a pain in the ass (or back). (The Frisky)
• Would you rather masturbate ten times a day for ten months or not have sex for six? Uh, how is that even a hard question? (Terrible Decisions)
When You Accidently Think About Your Mom While Masturbating – That’s called an O’Donnell now. Make it happen like you did with santorum, people. (Jezebel)
(I occasionally write sex advice columns for StreetCarnage.com. This was my most recent query.)
Dear Drew: How Much Jacking is too much?
How many times a day do you think it’s normal for a dude beat his meat? I don’t want a statistic, like how often the average guy actually paddles his pickle, but what you or other girls think is normal.
Anyway, I think that, just like how guys can’t ever show girls the porn they actually shake the snake to, they also can’t be honest about how regularly they yank the crank. I want to know the discrepancy between how often girls think guys buff the banana and how often guys really butter the corn…… choke the chicken…… drain the monster……. free Willy…… OK, I’m done now.
Dear Harry Palms, More
• A large portion of America thinks its fine to leave your computer/cell/whatever on during sex. We mean…yeah, what are you supposed to take the time to power down in the heat of passion? (Yahoo)
• A response to Christine O’Donnell’s masturbation PSA…10 years later. (YourTango)
• Reading books about vampires actually change the way your brain works. Well we already knew it makes you crazy. (BettyConfidential)
• Studies prove that women find older men even sexier now. Great. What about older women? (Lemondrop)
• Another “no ‘duh” moment: Being in a relationship means you hang out less with your friends. Sad, but totally true. (Nerve)
So Ernest Borgnine is like 91 years old, okay? And he’s learned a few things: you can eat dinner at 4 PM, people drive TOO DAMN FAST, and masturbation helps you live longer. Wait, what?