Topic: Lifetime

Lifetime Movie Lizzie Borden Took An Ax Was One Giant ‘MUAHAHAHA’

Lifetime Movie Lizzie Borden Took An Ax Was One Giant 'MUAHAHAHA'

If you were to transcribe the new Lifetime movie Lizzie Borden Took An Ax, no matter what utensil you used, your hand would just involuntarily write MUAHAHAHA over and over again for page after page. Oh, except in the middle you would just write ZZZZZZZZZZZZ, because that was when all the dull courtroom drama happened. So it was an evil drawn-out cackle with a nap in the middle. More »

9 More Crazy Ladies In History Who Should Have Their Own Lifetime Movies

9 More Crazy Ladies In History Who Should Have Their Own Lifetime Movies

Lizzie Borden Took An Ax premieres this Saturday night on Lifetime, following the network’s trend of cramming all their high-profile movies into the beginning of the year. That got me to thinking about other “crazy ladies” (as Lifetime would see it) in history whose stories are perfect for the Lifetime treatment. So I did a little research into notorious women from decades and centuries past and chose nine whose stories would make great TV movies. More »

Lifetime’s Flowers In The Attic Was An Even Hotter Mess Than You Thought It Would Be

Lifetime's Flowers In The Attic Was An Even Hotter Mess Than You Thought It Would Be

The costumes looked good. Sorry, I just wanted to get my only positive comment about this movie out of the way right off the bat to save Lifetime the energy of reading my whole review if they decide to borrow a quote for one of their promos. It probably won’t come as a surprise that Flowers in the Attic — or, as it should have been called, WTF: The Movie — was a disaster of incestuous proportions. More »

Blindsided Fulfills Lifetime’s New Year’s Resolution To Show More Movies About Blind Ladies

Blindsided Fulfills Lifetime's New Year's Resolution To Show More Movies About Blind Ladies

Not only is the title a play on the fact that it’s about a blind person, but it’s also a foolproof technique to get people mindlessly searching the channel guide on a Saturday night to think they’re about to watch The Blind Side and then decide to watch this movie anyway because there’s nothing else on. I see you, Lifetime. Unlike your heroine, I am not blind. More »

Lifetime’s Christmas In The City Teaches The Meaning Of Christmas, Which We Somehow Keep Forgetting

Lifetime's Christmas In The City Teaches The Meaning Of Christmas, Which We Somehow Keep Forgetting

It made me realize how many times we as humans forget the meaning of Christmas. I’m not being schmaltzy. I really want to know why we can’t retain that information in our minds after we’ve seen five hundred movies explaining it to us. Is it like high school math? As soon as we take the test it seeps out of our brains and we have to learn it all over again next year? More »

Lifetime Movie Kristin’s Christmas Past Reminds Us That Teenagers Are The Worst

Lifetime Movie Kristin's Christmas Past Reminds Us That Teenagers Are The Worst

Kristin’s Christmas Past had just the right dose of cynicism for me, but of course this was a Lifetime movie so it was still covered in cheese and fake snow. Above all, it served as a helpful reminder that teenagers are the absolute worst, and you should do whatever you can to avoid time traveling back to that time. Because you will hate yourself. Also time travel is painfully confusing. More »

Lifetime’s The Twelve Trees Of Christmas Proves Christmas Trees Are Rich People’s Kryptonite

Lifetime's The Twelve Trees Of Christmas Proves Christmas Trees Are Rich People's Kryptonite

After last week’s non-Christmasy Christmas movie A Country Christmas Story, I think Lifetime was maybe overcompensating a little with their new movie The Twelve Trees of Christmas. Its plot was eerily similar to a stress dream I once had when I binged on an entire box of candy canes and fell asleep with You’ve Got Mail on in the background. More »

Lifetime’s A Country Christmas Story Is The Least Christmasy Christmas Movie Of All Time

Lifetime's A Country Christmas Story Is The Least Christmasy Christmas Movie Of All Time

Call me crazy (a five film), but when the word “Christmas” is in a movie’s title, that movie should probably be about Christmas, right? Apparently I’m wrong, because this week’s Lifetime movie A Country Christmas Story mostly took place during times of the year not flavored with peppermint, and the parts of the movie that were set during the holidays didn’t really depend on it. More »