(By an anthropologist.)
0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it’s that he probably shouldn’t ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.)
2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi’s room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?)
4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life.
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – We find our specimens exactly where we left them: Ronnie is pacing around in Hulk-mode, gearing up to attack The Situation; The Situation is getting pumped for a fight; Sammi is sobbing salty margarita tears.
1:00 – Faced with Ronnie the Steroid, The Situation tries to cram six month’s worth of fight training into 30 seconds.
2:00 – Situation slams his own head into the wall, presumably out of excitement. He slumps down. Stars float around his skull and the “Rocky” theme song plays, on kazoo.
5:00 – Sitch lies on the couch with a cold compress on his head. The girls are worried he may have injured his head and also possibly his brain. More
You guys watching the MTV Video Music Awards? We are, obviously. although it’s pretty difficult to focus on anything other than the blinding sparkles that cover the bodices of most of the women in attendance. You heard it here first: seizure-inducing kaleidoscope sparkles are in for fall. More
(By an anthropologist)
0:00 – It’s another morning in the Italian villa of our human specimens, and they crawl from their darkened bedrooms on all fours. Brittany, Situation’s blonde twin, emerges to try and track down her partner in hair dye and DNA.
0:30 – Brittany finds Erica asleep in Vinny’s bed. Erica doesn’t want to get up. Apropos of nothing, the twins both insist that they’re their own individual people who don’t need to do everything together. Instantly, they have ruined their appeal.
2:00 – Our specimens engage in exposition for those at home who missed last week’s episode. Vinny tells the tale of how Deena entered their bedroom to find Erica in his bed, mid pre-copulation ritual, and stole her away to her own bed like a Visigoth after too many chalices of mead. More
00:00 – The specimens emerge inside their natural habitat, another shitty club with loud music and neon drinks that probably cost as much as a glass of decent scotch at a normal bar, anyway.
2:00 – Deena and Pauly engage in a sophisticated mating ritual. They kiss and Deena bites Pauly’s lip to signify that she’s hungry and would like to eat his face if no food presents itself soon. Deena tells Pauly that they should go back to the house to “hook-up” (normal human vocabulary for “smoosh”), to which Pauly responds, “I know, right?”
2:30 – Our humans engage in an extremely elaborate discussion of whether or not Deena and Pauly should engage in intercourse. Snooki and Pauly talk aboutit: Snooki thinks they should copulate because Deena has always wanted to do that with Pauly. Pauly says they probably will have intercourse, but is concerned that Deena might have feelings for him. (Note: Might these creatures have feelings? Put an intern on it.) More
1. You call it The Jersey Shore. There is no “the” in the title. Look it up. More
Jenni “J.Woww” Farley is my favorite housemate from Jersey Shore – she’s not clingy and annoying like Sammi Giancola or obsessed with her persona like The Situation. I spent most of this weekend curled up reading JWoww’s masterpiece, The Rules According to JWoww. I really wish this book had existed when I was 17, because it would have saved me a lot of the heartache that comes from dating losers and having low self-esteem. Here are some important lessons from Our Lady of The Watermelon Boobs. More
Ready for the weekend? Just make sure to leave your corset at home, in case you end up famous some day. Socialite Life has uncovered some scandalous photos of JWOWW from 2008, where she’s all tongue touchy with her lady friend. We wouldn’t mind seeing more of this kind of thing on Jersey Shore as we’re starting to get kind of bored with all the hetero-smooshing. There are more pics at that link if you care to gawk. More
It wasn’t so long ago that we were reviewing the latest title from Jersey Shore cast member Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, A Shore Thing. That book was amazing: Between tales of farts, water sports, and “crispy wangs”, the “novel” was like some cruel twist on the famed Miligram Experiment. Except instead of having to administer electrical shocks to random people to determine the extent to which we humans will listen to people in authority, we had to shock our brains into thinking lines like “Groping between his legs, Gia found a couple of marbles in a tea bag and a measly worm. When she touched the worm, it twitched,” constituted acceptable reading material. More
Now that Jenni “JWOWW” Farley has given up on her burgeoning art career, what’s the next step for the Jersey Shore star? Why, a dating book of course. Who doesn’t need dating advice from a woman whose tagline is “After sex I rip their friggin’ heads off” and who routinely ends phone conversations with boyfriends by slamming down a giant duck?
Actually, we could all learn a thing or two from JWOWW, like how to write anonymous notes with big words in them or how to sound like that lady from Beetlejuice who can breathe smoke out her neck. I just wouldn’t go to her for relationship advice, necessarily. More
Gawker managed to dig up the personal website of Jersey Shore‘s Jenni Farley (JWOWW), from her days as a student at New York Institute of Technology. You see, long before she and her impossibly buoyant breasts were torn between the love of two juiceheads, Jenni was just a mild-mannered programming student, sketching pictures of Stewie from Family Guy in her spare time. This is a rare opportunity to see the “J’art” behind the JWOWW, and we’ve used our best psychoanalytic skills to determine what the young guidette was really like. More
JWOWW Claims Nude Pictures Were Taken While She Was Under Anesthesia – Ah, the old “David After the Dentist” excuse. Except completely lucid and posing, which is kind of hard to do when your bones feel like they’re made out of angry noodles. (The Superficial)
Holiday outfits inspired by other holidays? Let’s hope this isn’t a new trend. If you watched MTV on New Year’s Eve, then you saw Jenni Farley wearing this netted “Halloween-themed” ensemble. JWOWW initially tried to go on air sans blazer, but MTV made her wear the white jacket in an attempt to get the Jersey Shore star looking more TV-appropriate.
Hooray, the new Jersey Shore promo’s been released! Everything appears to be (totally insane) business as usual, with the addition of Snooki‘s busty buddy Deena.
Highlights: Snooki, who is standing on the beach, can’t find the beach; Sammi appears to have gone completely insane; Ronnie gets a proctology exam; Snooki gets arrested. More