Topic: Bridalplasty

Crushable Quotable: ‘Bridalplasty’ Winner Allyson Donovan Chose Health Over Plastic Surgery

Crushable Quotable: 'Bridalplasty' Winner Allyson Donovan Chose Health Over Plastic Surgery

Confession: When we began covering E!’s reality show Bridalplasty, we decided instantly that the series was completely without any merit other than pure schaudenfreude-based entertainment. But the show had a surprisingly optimistic outcome! The final prize of a plasticized dream wedding didn’t go to the frontrunner, skinny “supercuntJanessa Wainwright, but to Allyson Donovan, an affable overweight diabetic with legitimate health issues.

After winning, Allyson was eligable to receive all the plastic surgery procedures on her wishlist, which came in at over a dozen. Instead of taking them all, Allyson opted to cut her list down to only a few surgeries, including dental work to fix the rot and abcesses (ugh, sorry, we know it’s early) that were a result of her diabetes: More »

Bridalplasty Recap: The Final RealBride

Bridalplasty Recap: The Final RealBride

(We missed recapping last week’s episode of Bridalplasty, SyFy’s* show about the hunt for the perfectly plastic RealDoll bride, because we were on a rocketship to Sundance. But both Cheyenne and Dominique were eliminated and sent straight to the recycling plant, leaving just Allyson and Jenessa in the house.)

As the ep begins, Allyson is still reeling from her decision to keep Princess Jenessa around over Dominique, which she did because the producers implanted a chip in her brain that gives her the ability to understand what would be better for the ratings. Allyson wanders around the house in a shirt that says “Ballbuster” and thinks about how great it will be when she beats her nemesis to become a 100% plastic sex toy. More »

Commenter Of The Week: Jimmy Likes ‘Bridalplasty’

Commenter Of The Week: Jimmy Likes 'Bridalplasty'

People think blogging is an easy job. It is not. You spend all day staring at a screen, only to come home and force yourself to watch hours of terrible television so you can go stare at a screen the next day and write all about it. It’s a life of voluntary sedentary stasis, and it feels not quite unlike that part of Clockwork Orange where they strap down Alec and make him watch all the lovely picture shows. And if ever there was a show that would be used as part of a psychological torture/rehabilitation program, it would be Bridalplasty. More »

Bridalplasty Recap: Groomplasty

Bridalplasty Recap: Groomplasty

On last night’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty, we’re introduced to the RealBrides’ better, slightly less masculine halves. That’s right! The fiances finally show their faces — well, a portion of their faces; they’re blindfolded so they can’t see their bridal investments covered in bandages and nose tape and renege on the the whole operation.

All of the brides act really happy to see their fiances’ except for Princess Janessa who shows absolutely no emotion towards her betrothed, Prince LJ. Kristen’s beau can tell that Kristen has gotten breast implants because of the hug she gave him, which displayed three times the amount of self-confidence. After the couples (except for Janessa and LJ) canoodle a bit, H0ST 4.0 Shanna Moakler introduces John Grogan, aka Lie Detector John. Lie Detector John (accessories sold separately) takes the couples pair-by-pair into a room and straps them up to his machine. He asks them a series of revealing questions, such as: More »

Bridalplasty Recap: Cockroaches And Veneers

Bridalplasty Recap: Cockroaches And Veneers

This week’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty was all about tricking the women into believing that they have normal families who have always longed for daughters made of rubbery, bendable plastic. First up, hostbot Shanna Moakler introduces the women to a family therapist named Stacey Kaiser, who spends nearly a whole minute solving all of the brides’ issues with their future husbands’ families.

Next, surprise!, Shanna brings in a troop of special guests: The Army of the Mothers-in-Law, aka the financiers of their sons’ decisions to invest in prefect RealBrides that will give them a lifetime of happiness and terrific oral sex. For this week’s challenge, Shanna takes the brides and their future moms to Venice Beach, Los Angeles’ largest robot-part landfill. Here, the women (paired with their kin-to-be) go on a scavenger hunt wherein they must snap instant photos of wacky and unusual things. Including: More »

Bridalplasty Recap: “Faaaa-buuuh-lesss!”

Bridalplasty Recap: "Faaaa-buuuh-lesss!"

Last night’s episode of Bridalplasty — our favorite SyFy* show about a trunkful of brides who are being melted and reshaped to form the perfect sex doll — attempted to answer that age old question: “Would a rose by any other nose smell as sweet?”

First up, host-o-matic Shanna Moakler takes the women to meet Kevin Lee, owner of a store called LA Premier and a PhD in celebrity floral arranging. Kevin’s a flamboyant robot whose accessories include a detachable toupee, black knee-high boots and a remote controllable penis clearly visible through his white horseback riding pants. When you push a button on his blazer he says “faaaa-buuuh-less!” Kevin gives the women a lesson in what makes a good bridal bouquet, and it is: “Anything that looks faaaa-buuuh-less!” More »

Bridalplasty Recap: Komedy Sutra

Bridalplasty Recap: Komedy Sutra

This week’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty is (finally) all about sex. First up, hostbot Shanna Moakley introduces the women to Dr. Sadie Allison, a professional “pleasure coach” and the owner of Tickle Kitty, a store that sells sex toys and Fancy Feast in bulk.

Dr. Sadie wants to know about the brides’ sex lives: Dominique is upset that her husband’s a premature ejaculator, Kristen’s good at “the bj” (the body judging) and Allyson claims to be very flexible — which means she must have some rubber mixed in with her plastic. Dr. Allison coaches the women on honeymoon sex and Shanna reveals that the final bride standing will receive a trip to Fiji, an island famous for those creepy mermaid mummy things that always showed up on The X Files. More »

Fan Fiction: A Bridalplasty Christmas

Fan Fiction: A Bridalplasty Christmas

It was Christmas night, and all was quiet in the house where Bridalplasty filmed. Well, quiet except for the occasional shrieks of rage by Janessa, who was still angry at Alexandra for her betrayal in last week’s cake episode.

“That stupid bitch!” Janessa fumed, “If it wasn’t for her, Melissa could be unwrapping her new nose right now, instead of that cow Dominique! More »

OSIC: Why Being Home Is Good For My (Television’s) Soul

OSIC: Why Being Home Is Good For My (Television's) Soul

I don’t own a TV, so it’s very easy for me to sit on my mountain of smugness and judge everyone who loves Real Housewives, Bridalplasty, or any show that glorifies underage pregnancies. But this week I’ve been staying at my boyfriend’s, and his TiVo has slowly been sucking the resistance out of me. Suddenly, I see the magic of television through the eyes of a spellbound child. Who knew all the amazing programs that were on today? More »

Bridalplasty Recap: Let Them Spit Out Cake

Bridalplasty Recap: Let Them Spit Out Cake

This week’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty is all about synching up the brides’ neurons so that that they’re always right about unimportant matters like wine and crab meat, but never right about important matters like niceness and which words are actually part of the English language. First up, hosty Shanna Moakler takes the gals to visit the showroom of a man named Patrick Hanson, whose claim to fame is that he’s LA’s premiere cake designer and also that his veins pump fondant instead of blood. Here, the women taste the difference between a Hanson’s cake and a regular cake, which is so offensive to the brides’ palates that they gag on the tiny morsels and drool all over their little plastic faces. Sugarhigh, the girls talk about their dream wedding cakes in very bubbly voices. Melissa, for example, wants a cake that contains edible pearls and also Zoloft. More »

Bridalplasty Recap: Totaled Package

Bridalplasty Recap: Totaled Package

We’re now three episodes into SyFy’s* Bridalplasty, the show about an evil corporation that kidnaps women and turns them into bionic sex slaves. Last night’s ep was all about packaging — because a true RealDoll bride must know with mathematic specificity the exact perfect way to present herself. That means the best angle to jut her hips, the ideal circumference of a sexy lip-part, and, of course, the absolute most flattering wedding gown for her particular proportions.

First up, evil hostess with the boastest Shanna Moakler rounds up the women and takes them to a bridal shop. She announces “Welcome to Winnie Couture, located in the heart of Beverly Hills,” which means it’s located in a place that doesn’t exist. Deviously mustachioed style robot Philip Bloch is on hand to help explain different styles of wedding gowns including “the mermaid,” which is shaped like Daryl Hannah‘s lip injections. More »

‘Bridalplasty’ Recap: Vows Of Obedience

'Bridalplasty' Recap: Vows Of Obedience

We’re now two episodes into Bridalplasty, which, as we determined last week, is a SyFy network show about an evil plot to kidnap women and inject them with enough plastic that they become fully bionic sex dolls.

At the start of last night’s ep, evil genuis/Bridalplasty host Shanna Moakler introduces the women to a guy named Jason who comes from a planet called Beverly Hills (demographics: 40% White, 8% Asian, 53% Asshole, 2% Kardashian). Jason pulls out a box of glittery jewels that hypnotizes the women into becoming even more domestic and docile. Each woman chooses a diamond ring that will become part of her kit if she ends up being selected as the ultimate RealDoll bride at the series’ conclusion (accessories not sold separate!). More »

Bridalplasty Recap: Introduction Of The Brides

Bridalplasty Recap: Introduction Of The Brides

Last night was the premiere of Bridalplasty, which as far as we can tell, is a new show on SyFy about an evil corporation that kidnaps innocent women and turns them into bionic RealDolls before selling them into a lifetime of domestic slavery. It comes on before Kendra, a show about anthropomorphic bunnies.

The episode begins with a one-by-one introduction of the women, and we see flashbacks of the brides in their homes back before they were tossed into body bags and transported to the E! Headquarters. (“E” stands for evil and exclamation point stands for period.) One woman’s name is Jenessa, meaning she’s princess of a distant moon in a far away galaxy. Another, Alexandra, used to star on The Biggest Loser, which is a History Channel show about the financial depression. Lisa Marie is already half-plastic, and because of that she’s the most vulnerable bride of all. More »