Author Archives: Halle Kiefer

‘Glee’ Recap: Warts And All. Especially Warts.

'Glee' Recap: Warts And All. Especially Warts.

Let’s cut to the chase: Kurt’s back! After these long, lonely weeks without him, seeing Monsieur Hummel pop up in McKinley High’s courtyard dressed like Edward Scissorhands-meets-Clockwork-Orange at the Royal Wedding was like seeing the first glitter-dusted robin of spring. Watching him dance to “Barbara Streisand” in the food court at the mall while dressed in his patriotic sweater vest was even better. It’s hard to believe he hasn’t been the center of our musical universe since he transferred, but I love any plot twist that lets Kurt go to Nationals despite having lost at Regionals. More »

‘Glee’ Recap: All Hail General Zon!

'Glee' Recap: All Hail General Zon!

After a lengthy hiatus, Glee is back in action and ready for devastating amounts of evil. Demonic Sue calls a meeting of the demented minds in the middle of the night, time usually designated for Sylvester’s “bow-hunting for hobos.” Joining in the insidious coach of Vocal Adrenaline Dustin Goolsby (Cheyanne Jackson), disgraced glee coach Sandy Ryerson (Stephen Tobolowsky) and of course Terri Schuester, shrew. Sue dubs them Sargent Handsome, The Pink Dagger, Honeybadger respectively, before handing out their assignments designed to take down Will Schuester’s pride and joy. It goes without saying that Goolsy fails to ruin Schue’s current relationship and Sandy biffs the opportunity to ruin the glee kids’ performance. As for the Honeybadger? Ah, she lies in wait… More »

Romancing The Bone: What To Do If You’re In Love With Your Gay Friend

Romancing The Bone: What To Do If You're In Love With Your Gay Friend

You know the story. A girl is friends with a guy she really likes. They get along so well, and love the same things: B-horror movies, unlikely animal friendships (that tortoise and that hippo!) and, of course, other men. That’s right: sometimes the man of a woman’s dreams is also seeking the man of his. So what should a girl go when she finds herself completely in love her gay friend? Well, luckily for y’all I have approximately 18 years of advice to help with this exactly subject! More »

Romancing The Bone: What To Do When You’re (Always) Probably Pregnant

Romancing The Bone: What To Do When You're (Always) Probably Pregnant

Any woman with access to a TV and an active imagination has had at least one fever dream about the show I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. If they haven’t, let me correct that oversight: the show is about women…who didn’t know they were pregnant…until a baby started to come out of them. While there are certainly women who could potentially overlook a nine month pregnancy (apparently enough to make an entire series about it), I’ve found that the opposite is much more likely: women who think they’re pregnant All. The. Time. I was one of those women for the first, oh, three years after becoming sexually active; in addition to talking about it non-stop, my like-minded friends and I actually started a blog named Probably Pregnant to deal with our constant anxiety about our potentially baby-making wombs. This article is for those ladies who live in perpetual certainty that their nausea must be morning sickness or their light period is merely a disguise for implantation bleeding (do not Google that phrase), and with some tips on how to deal. More »

‘Glee’ Recap: Hell To The No

'Glee' Recap: Hell To The No

Regionals are here! Just in time for the Glee kids to hastily write original songs for the competition! The song plunges in with an immediate Warblers rendition of “Misery,” then segues swiftly into Rachel emotes through “Only Child,” the single kid’s lament. “Damn you, dads!” she howls. Unfortunately for the only Berry on her family tree, Quinn sees her flirting with Finn and vows to never let Rachel stand in the way of her ultimate goal: prom queen. Oh, by the way, when exactly did Quinn get possessed by a demon? “How damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel,” she snarls inside her mean girl brain, before describing herself as “relatively sane for a girl” and fondling what appears to be centuries of prom crowns. Prom queens live an average of five years longer, Quinn notes, probably because most of us lose a few years to vomiting over the statements like that. In an effort to sabotage any romantic inclinations Rachel still has by keeping a close eye on her (sure, why not), Quinn offers to write an original song with her. In turn, all the gleeks decide to write their own tune, and the premise if off and running! More »

Real Housewives Of Miami Doll Recap: But Is It Art?

Real Housewives Of Miami Doll Recap: But Is It Art?

It’s the day after the gala, and as expected the repercussions of What Cristy Did (i.e. sneaking in to Lea’s gala without paying) are all anyone can talk about for five seconds. Apparently Cristy told security she was famous to get in which, girl please. That’d be enough to make us mail off an angry invoice. Cristy meets up with Larsa and her friends, explains that she went in “in good faith,” not to attend another benefit, which apparently means you don’t have to pay money for things. I’m filling my purse with Snickers I took from the deli “in good faith”! Larsa applauds her for still going after getting a flat tire, which I don’t believe for a second actually happened because if something that exciting had occurred, IT WOULD BE IN THE EPISODE. Also, does Cristy not get that it was a benefit for underprivileged kids? Just pay the ticket fee, woman! “I can’t stand 5 more seconds of his conversation,” Cristy sighs before heading off to dance. Methinks we’re going to be saying that a lot about pretty much everything Cristy says. More »

‘Glee’ Recap: Vegetarianism For Lions, or It’s Like Hugging But Wetter

'Glee' Recap: Vegetarianism For Lions, or Itâs Like Hugging But Wetter

We hereby call to order The Celibacy Club! Rachel, Quinn and Emma meet in an empty classroom to confirm their commitment to not getting it, or as Ms. Pillsbury would put it, being “terrified of the hose monster.” When her chastity charms start being used as nipple rings, Emma runs into the physical manifestation of boning, i.e. Gwyneth Paltrow’s substitute teacher Holly Holiday, currently filling in for a heath teacher with a terrible case of the herp. Paltrow at her most winsome dismisses Emma’s concerns about helping sexualize children, opting instead to demonstrate condoms on cucs. This proves to be an essential lesson.

Meanwhile More »

‘Real Housewives Of Miami’ Doll Recap: Rick Ross Rides Again

'Real Housewives Of Miami' Doll Recap: Rick Ross Rides Again

After last week’s episode, the ladies make up for a lackluster pilot by viciously criticizing anything and everything under the sweltering Miami sun. Adriana complains about Larsa and Cristy hating on her for taking the cat walk during last week’s episode. “I did it like a pro,” she proclaims. Her boyfriend Frederic thinks the ladies are just jealous, which Adriana explains that Cristy and Larsa are simply immature high school backstabbers. Frederic is too busy staring at her boobs to actually respond, but you know in his heart he completely agrees. More »

Romancing the Bone: To Snoop or Not To Snoop?

Romancing the Bone: To Snoop or Not To Snoop?

We’ve all been there. It’s pretty early in the relationship. Our boyfriend or girlfriend has an early class and leaves us blissfully sleeping in their room…until we sit bolt upright, realizing the treasure trove of information lurking in their waiting laptop, their old diaries, and their internet browsing history. It’s in times like these where a woman must ask herself: To snoop, or not to snoop: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer/ The slings and arrows of outrageous snoopage,/Or to take arms against a sea of suspected secrets,/ And by opposing end a relationship? More »

Glee Recap: McKinley High’s Walk Of Shame

Glee Recap: McKinley High's Walk Of Shame

There’s trouble afoot at McKinley High, and no, it’s not the fact that Sue Sylvester now tends to fly into a child-throwing rampage any time anything doesn’t go her demonic way. No, according to Principal Figgins, the problem is giggle juice, the wet devil, ol’ lady hooch and the teen drunks Figgins finds staggering down the halls of his very own school. Since glee club is the least socially respected group in school, why not have them perform an anti-drinking song at the Alcohol Awareness rally? Other than the fact that sweet, life-giving booze is the only thing standing in between most people and a life of dull drudgery, of course.

That’s what I got from the episode, anyway. Seriously, every scene except one made my mouth water for a sip of some of the hard stuff. More »

Romancing The Bone: A Pro-Bush Agenda For 2011!

Romancing The Bone: A Pro-Bush Agenda For 2011!

I’ve got pubes on the brain recently (though hopefully not literally; they’d probably name the condition after me), due to a disheartening recent trip to buy razors. Have you ever compared the price of razors/waxing to actual food or amenities, because damn. Venus has got us by the collective lady balls here, people! If my attitude towards the subject isn’t readily apparently from my hearty endorsement of hippie shit like period sex, et al, then let me hype the comfort and soothing texture of an intact muff. If we could all walk around pantless with our giant bush hanging out for all the world to see, well, it would be a sight for sore eyes as far as I’m concerned. Also, we would be very, very cold. More »

Romancing The Bone: The Single Girls’ Guide To Valentine’s Day

Romancing The Bone: The Single Girls' Guide To Valentineâs Day

So today is Valentine’s Day today (as we’ve been constantly reminded since January 2). If a girl is boyfriend-less on this most sacred of days, pop culture offers her few options. She can either 1) drink a bottle of pink Andre and weep into a heart-shaped box of chocolates alone in her room or 2) do the above activities with her equally single girlfriends after getting dressed up and spending an emotionally devastating night at a sports bar.

SCREW THAT NOISE. Valentine’s Day doesn’t own us; we own it. Just because a women hasn’t chained her genitals to one person for the foreseeable future doesn’t mean she should be dragged through the emotional dirt every time she sees a commercial for those heart-shaped Dunkin’ Donuts (which are so cute, right?). So for every woman who finds herself single today, here are some tips on how to survive VD with your mind, and your tear ducts, intact: More »

Romancing The Bone: Your Girlfriends Are Cock Blocking You

Romancing The Bone: Your Girlfriends Are Cock Blocking You

In the world of young females, it is a truth almost universally acknowledged that female friends typically tend to be 1) the bomb and 2) the people a girl spends 95% of her time with. However, when it comes to meeting guys, sometimes a lady’s friends can act as an obstacle to enticing males with you personal brand of effortless mojo. In fact, even friends of the highest caliber can accidentally cock-block your game. So in short, if a woman wants to get a date, she should dump all their friends.

I’m kidding! I’m kidding times one billion. I do, however, suggest that girls need to step away from the comfort of their funny, awesome friends to really make it in the word of dating. How might she do that? Why, I am so glad you asked.
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Romancing The Bone: How To Plan For Period Sex. Period.

Romancing The Bone: How To Plan For Period Sex. Period.

As if sex wasn’t already physically and mentally complicated enough, here’s another twist: once a month women find themselves dealing with cramps, fatigue and, most annoyingly, a steady flow of super-stain-causing liquid flowing out of us like the mighty Mississippi. Seriously, we might as well have blueberry juice coming out of there, based on how many pairs of pajama pants I’ve had to toss out.

The great mystery of our lady times, however, is that while some of us can’t wait to curl up under a pile of Motrin bottles and Almond Joy wrappers and sleep for one thousand years during that time, some ladies hit their peek horniness while riding on the cotton pony. Which begs the question: is sexing on your period worth it? The answer comes down to a girl’s willingness to put in a little elbow grease and pre-sex prep…or how badly she wants to get it on.

However, just because we’ve all ruined untold pairs of cute undies that we just got at Target, that does not mean we have to ruin a night of hot boning with worries about our periods. To that end, were are some thoughts for any girl planning a night of passion and romance — and stain-free sheets. More »