Author Archives: Esther Stein

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Men Are Dogs Unless They’re Cats

Crushable's Cat Lady: Men Are Dogs Unless They're Cats

Dear Cat Lady;

I have a huge crush on a boy from school. I thought that he didn’t have any idea that I existed, but my friends dared me to friend him on Facebook. It took him more than two weeks to accept the request, and now he’s behaving so weirdly. He’ll do nothing for a week, and then “like” all of my pictures, and then nothing for another week, after which he’ll leave ten posts in a row on my wall. What is the deal with this guy?

Please help –

Over-Under-Stimulated More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Cat Stare Your Way To The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift

Crushable's Cat Lady: Cat Stare Your Way To The Perfect Valentine's Day Gift

Dear Cat Lady,
I’m sending you a picture of my kitten, Fazoola, dressed up as a heart (complete with pumping blood!), because Valentine’s Day is coming up… and I have Valentine’s Day problems (besides all the fake blood staining my couch). I looked at my boyfriend’s browser history, and all Google-shopping-signs point to him planning to celebrate our love by buying me… a blender. A blender! It’s like he has some sick fantasy of me whipping up his protein powders in the morning – but let me tell you, I have more self-respect than that. How can I convince me to buy him something that I actually want?

Not Willing to Whip It

Dear Whip It,
Have you ever seen a cat get its way? Say, for example, that you’ve hidden its favorite catnip chew toy on top of the refrigerator. Does the cat whine in front of the fridge, making pathetic, futile jumps up towards the inaccessible place, as if it’s the refrigerator’s fault, not yours, that the toy is out of reach? No way – that type of behavior is strictly for the dogs. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: How To Declaw Your Man’s Facebook Flirting

Crushable's Cat Lady: How To Declaw Your Man's Facebook Flirting

Dear Cat Lady,
There’s this girl who keeps posting on my boyfriend’s Facebook wall. He says that they barely know each other, and he’s not sure why she’s doing it, but it’s clear to me. She wants to steal him! I insisted that his profile say that he’s in a relationship with me, but it hasn’t had any effect on her activity. He refuses to de-friend her, because they work together and he doesn’t want to offend her. How do I defend my man-territory?

Sigh –
Facebook Fascinator

Dear Facebook Fascinator,
Oh, so that’s what being “in a relationship” on Facebook means. No wonder my sister gave me the cold shoulder in the grocery store last weekend – my little nephew, Henry, was helping me set up a Facebook profile, and I insisted that he put down that he and I were in a relationship. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Digital Love Doesn’t Measure Up To The Real Thing

Crushable's Cat Lady: Digital Love Doesn't Measure Up To The Real Thing

Dear Cat Lady,

There’s this game on Facebook where you can take care of a cat, raising it from a tiny, fluffy kitten to an adorable doddering oldster. You earn points to buy it cute costumes by brushing it, and if you’re playing on your iPhone, the whole device starts to vibrate in an electronic purr!

Anyways, it’s adorable – and addictive. Marcus Purrelius, my “second life” kitty, is the best thing ever. Anyways, I keep seeing ads for another game where you can take care of a boyfriend in a similar fashion. It vibrates, too! Should I give up on my hopeless quest for a “real life” boyfriend, and just have a digital one instead?

Love and digital hairballs,
The Electronic Cat Lover

Dear Electronic Cat Lover,
As you know, I’m no digital guru (unless you count knowing how to extract a computer mouse from a cat’s stomach – Didums ate one once in an act of extreme literal-mindedness). More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Teach Kim To Kiss More Like A Cat

Crushable's Cat Lady: Teach Kim To Kiss More Like A Cat

Dear Cat Lady,
My boyfriend is cute, smart, and funny. He even likes cats, too! Well, he says that he likes cats, although I think that he doesn’t feel the same level of devotion to them as I do. I mean, he doesn’t even have any calendars with pictures of kittens on them, which is, like, step number one for cat lovers. Anyways, my only problem is that he’s a HORRIBLE kisser. Seriously, it’s like he’s hoping to find some leftovers every time he approaches my mouth. Is there any way that I can stop him from acting like a vacuum cleaner?


Girl with Nearly-Purrfect Boyfriend

Dear Nearly-Purrfect;

Just as there are dog people and cat people (or, I should say, dog “people” and cat people), there are also dog kissers and cat kissers. And far too many men fall into the dog kisser category – sloppy, slobbery, and saliva-saturated. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Long Distance Relationships Are For Birds Other Than Me

Crushable's Cat Lady: Long Distance Relationships Are For Birds Other Than Me

Dear Cat Lady,

I hope you like the pictures of frolicking kittens that I sent you, because you certainly don’t want to see a picture of me! I don’t know why, but I’m really, really not photogenic. Every picture turns out looking like the mug shot of a crazed carnival barker with lipstick. So that’s a general life problem, but the specific problem is that my boyfriend is spending the semester abroad and wants me to Skype with him! I’ve avoided the issue so far, but he’s getting suspicious. How can I keep him from running into the arms of foreign hotties when he sees my Skype-born monstrosity?

Contemplating Bag Headism

Dear Bag Headism,

A long distance relationship is a complicated thing. At least, that’s what I tell my cats whenever they want to go outside. How could I cuddle them if they were romping about on my neighbors’ rooftops? More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: And A Happy New Year’s Kitten To You!

Crushable's Cat Lady: And A Happy New Yearâs Kitten To You!

I’m attaching a picture I took myself, of my little kitty, named Walrus, finishing eating a whole gingerbread house that I made out of compressed cat food! Isn’t he so cute? Anyway, I’m writing to ask what the right New Year’s resolutions are for cat ladies.

Have a very merry hairball!

Sister in Cats

My dear cat-sister,

A very merry hairball to you, now and throughout the year! Here’s my list of resolutions, but feel free to modify them when you make your own list. Neither cats nor cat ladies have herd mentalities. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Technology Is Not This Girl’s Best Friend

Crushable's Cat Lady: Technology Is Not This Girl's Best Friend

Dear Cat Lady,

My boyfriend always buys me geeky tech stuff for Christmas. How do I tell him that not only does every single MP3 player and digital camera come in silver – when he should know that I only wear gold – but that he should just buy me jewelry instead?

Gadgets are is Not a Girl’s Best Friend

Dear Gadget,

Because you’re obviously a devoted reader of my column, I’m going to assume that you have already tried all of the classic SWOT-team maneuvers (that is, Sex (Withheld), Orders, and Tears). If your boyfriend still insists on buying you tech stuff, you’re going to have to move your game to the next level. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Solving The Problem Of Texting At Work

Crushable's Cat Lady: Solving The Problem Of Texting At Work

Dear Cat Lady –

I have a big problem! I’m trying to follow your advice of knowing what my boyfriend is up to at every second, but my boss keeps yelling at me for texting at work. Should I tell him that keeping track of Milo is more important than handing him the exact right scalpel every single time?

Surgical Nurse with Boy Troubles

Dear Surgical Nurse,

You haven’t got boy troubles – you’ve got boss troubles. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Robot Fetishes And Cat Costumes

Crushable's Cat Lady: Robot Fetishes And Cat Costumes

Dear Cat Lady,

I was snooping around on my boyfriend’s computer – I just wanted to find out if he had pictures of his ex-girlfriends in compromising positions, or if he were secretly storing videos of the Miss Teen USA pageant but I found something so much worse! He has all sorts of pictures of me that he’s Photoshopped with lights and wires and weird uniforms so that I look like a robot or an android or something! Gross, right? What do I do – or is it my fault for spying on him?

Non-Robotic Girlfriend

Dear (allegedly) Non-Robotic Girlfriend,

What about me made you think I would be mad at you for spying on your boyfriend? I try to dispense my life lessons and wisdom accumulated through years of bending men to my will. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Men Are Like Turkeys. So Get More Of ‘Em.

Crushable's Cat Lady: Men Are Like Turkeys. So Get More Of 'Em.

Dear Cat Lady,

My boyfriend ignores my text messages! I send him 30 or 40 every day, and I’m lucky if he sends me 10. He says it’s pointless and annoying to text me so much, but I loooooove the thrill I get when there’s a message from him! He just doesn’t understand!

xoxo, Texty Lover

Dear Texty Lover,

You boyfriend gives you one text for every three texts you send? Well, guess what – that’s why I have three cats. More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: If Your Parents Are Prudes, Make Like An Alley Cat

Crushable's Cat Lady: If Your Parents Are Prudes, Make Like An Alley Cat

Dear Cat Lady;

Meow, meow, yawl murrph! Meoooow.


You know what? Cats don’t write e-cards. Their place is on the front of e-cards, in ridiculously cute pictures. But – and believe me I’ve tried – as far as cats can stretch their toes apart when they lick little bits of kitty litter out of there, they can’t stretch them far enough to touch type. So I sent an e-card in reply to Numpkins’ e-card, and sure enough, his owner replied and confessed that she had typed it.
More »

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Online Dating 101. Lie Whenever Possible.

Crushable's Cat Lady: Online Dating 101. Lie Whenever Possible.

Dear Cat Lady:
I hope you like my e-card with its super-cute picture of a kitten in a cast! So cute!!! I mean, too bad the kitten had to suffer, but it’s so so cute!!! So here’s my question: what should I write about in my profile for an online dating site? I feel like guys might be turned off if I revealed all of my real interests, like in cats and knitting and kittens and badgers and cuddling. Should I pretend to be all interested in sports or politics or something?
Thank you!
Cat Lady in Training

Dear Cat Lady in Training:

Online dating is a precious, precious opportunity to fool someone into thinking that you are a fascinating, attractive woman through altered photographs and text plagiarized from the diaries of Anaïs Nin (or Sarah Palin – depends what type of man you’re looking for). If you play your cards right – say, by arranging a meeting in a bar, bribing the bartender to feed your date “free” shots, and then show up an hour late – you can have an almost instantaneous boyfriend – for a least a few hours. More »