But we just recovered from Motherâ€™s Day, amirightladies? Well, the Gregorian calendar says tough luck toots, tell it to someone who cares. Spoken like a true man, Greg(orian). But what do we do when life hands us lemons? We make lemontinis and get wasted with our girlfriends! Or our cats. So suck up the hardship and suck in your stomachs, itâ€™s time to honor the man singly responsible for all our terrible relationships.
And what better way to get gift ideas for dear old dad than by looking at some dear old ads? More
As summer heats up, Iâ€™m always looking for quick ways to cool down and it turns out letting yourself into an ice cream truck counts as â€śbreaking and entering.â€ť But can you really put a price on the sweet, sweet relief of imitation caramel hardened around a vanilla chocolate swirl and dipped in sprinkles? No, but apparently it does break down to exactly 150 hours of community service. WORTH IT, amirightladies? More
Somebody needs to tell the good people of Miracle Whip to r-e-l-a-x. I mean itâ€™s almost like they need to get laid more than I do, and I think we all know that itâ€™s been years. Seriously, what tube top do I have to squeeze into to get a man to just eye-f**k me, amirightladies? But this whole â€śwe wonâ€™t tone it down, you canâ€™t handle the truth, weâ€™re here, weâ€™re schmear, get used to itâ€ť schtick is just exhausting. You arenâ€™t mayo, you arenâ€™t butter, you arenâ€™t bacon fat. So when it comes to the light salad dressing that is Miracle Whip, I WILL put baby in the corner. At least until Iâ€™m really desperate. Or as I like to call it: Thursdays. More
If abstinence is the best form of protection, then I got all the bases covered. In that, no one is covering my bases. What Iâ€™m trying to say is thereâ€™s not going to be a baseball game today or tomorrow or next week because not even the benchwarmers showed up to play. And this is the minor league weâ€™re talking about. Look, I ainâ€™t getting anyâ€¦younger, amirightladies? But seriously, I ainâ€™t getting any. When it comes to my life, thereâ€™s DEFINITELY crying in baseball. More
Well, we did it, girls. We made it through another brutal winter holed up alone in our apartments with our DVR, our cat and a case of Snickers. And unless we all get raptured this weekend, summer is right around the corner. Of course, nice warm weather also means exposed arms, buckets of back sweat, humidity-induced frizz andâ€¦ bathing suits. Every year weâ€™re forced to decide if we want to stuff the meat into a sausage casing or hang it out in the sun to fry. One-piece or bikini? Give me a burqini, amirightladies? Itâ€™s almost impossible to enjoy the canned strawberry daiquiris I snuck into the pool knowing that I look like something that should be thrown in the rejected pile at a butcher shop. Beached whale? Maybe in my 20s!! More
John Stamos isnâ€™t the only thing seriously lacking from our television airwaves. RIP Jake in Progress, amirightladies? Uncle Jesse Katsopolis aside, what I really miss is the old herbal essences commercials (not to mention my dress size from back then). Iâ€™m talking about those commercials where women get off from shampoo. If only it were that easy, amirightfellas?
Who let the moms out? Who? Who? Boo. Hoo. Boohoo. Ah, if only it were called future motherâ€™s day then Iâ€™d actually be excited about this Sunday, amirightladies? But since my womb remains in the army reserves (and not in the good way) and the IRS doesnâ€™t recognize cats as children, letâ€™s celebrate the women who got us in this mess in the first place.
Stumped about what to get the lady who made you, broke you and made you clean up the pieces? Fear not, plenty of advertisers found ways to magically transform every piece of retail into a motherâ€™s day gift. With presents like these, maybe this year she wonâ€™t let her phone go straight to voicemail! More
Ladies letâ€™s face it, weâ€™re all in various stages of recovery from Prince William fever. Whether it was a sexy dream we had one time, posters on our girlhood walls or a very expensive pilgrimage to Buckingham Palace five years ago only to find out he wasnâ€™t even in England at the time â€“ weâ€™ve all been there. Some of us have a crippling credit card payment plan to show for it. But in these dark hours, sisters, we must band together. We must congratulate our sister Kate for reeling in the catch of the century. Remember, some day our prince will come â€“ and hopefully we will too, amirightladies?
And whatâ€™s the best way to begin the healing? By buying s**t. Your spirits donâ€™t have to be the only thing in decline, amirightVISA? So câ€™mon my sulking shopaholics – letâ€™s get commemorative!
Letâ€™s face it girls, menstrual cramps are the worst. Iâ€™m talking worse than running out of your last box of Thin Mints. And you had a stash of 20 cases. Thatâ€™s ripping-pictures-of-your-cat-off-your-bedroom-wall bad! While there may not be a cure for Girl Scout cookie withdrawal (Iâ€™m looking at you Merck), we can count ourselves lucky that the world has given us Midol for when being a woman is an ugly business. Then again, when is it not, amirightladies? Just kidding. Hormones, ugh. More
This Planned Parenthood debate is Kyl-ing me, amirightladies? Normally the closest thing to political I ever get is writing elaborate Joe Biden fan fiction, but this whole mess in Washington DC over funding Planned Parenthood has gotten my waist-high panties in a french twist. More
If you love your cat so much, why donâ€™t you marry it? Letâ€™s face it single girls, weâ€™ve all seriously considered this question at one lonely moment or other. I actually once tried to file for a marriage license at the courthouse, but couldnâ€™t even get past security. I guess this right wing world we live in canâ€™t resist putting a leash on love, amirightladies? More
Darren Star has yet to return any of my letters to get Sex and the City back on the air- he wonâ€™t even have the decency to give me a restraining order- but someone in the advertising universe clearly heard my prayers for more Samantha Jones. Since SATC ended, Sam has made the leap from the small screen to the smaller screen (thatâ€™s what ads are, right?) to help us aspiring empowered women buy the most fabulous products. I will follow her until Iâ€™m totally broke, amirightladies? (Iâ€™m totally broke right now.) More
Iâ€™ve always said if the perfume fits, WEAR IT, amirightladies? Okay, Iâ€™ve never said that. But what I have said numerous times to no one in particular (because no one is listening) is that the one thing I love more than pretending Iâ€™m a celebrity is smelling like one. Thank God some of the most fabulous famous womyn out there make it easy to bathe in their scent. Letâ€™s honor the memory of the celebrity perfume original gangstress, Elizabeth Taylor, and chat about some of the best fragrances out there. Hiding the smell of sadness is wrong then please donâ€™t tell me otherwise, amirightladies? More
If youâ€™re anything like me, you only take dinners alone one way: frozen. And when it comes to learning how to cook for myself, well I never got farther than the start button on my microwave. But luckily I found my very own personal chef years ago. My first choice for the job was a stay-at-home hunk who always put extra cheese on my daily personal pizza, but Lean Cuisine fit the bill just fine. Cheap, easy and loaded with sodium â€“ beat that, dream man. So color me heartbroken when I heard Lean Cuisine was recalling 10,000 Spaghetti Meatball entrĂ©e dinners due to possible hard, red plastic found in the food. Hey, Iâ€™ve swallowed worse in my day â€“ amirightladies? More