Last night Lifetime premiered Nightmare Nurse, the eighth movie I’ve reviewed from the network with Nightmare in the title. A lot of nightmares happening over in Lifetime land. These characters really need to drink some warm milk and try to take care of that. In this case, the nightmare was dressed like a daydream. The daydream being a hot nurse, of course. But, as we know, hot nurses in movies will ruin your life approximately 100% of the time.
The couple whose lives are about to be ruined are Lance (Steven Good) and Brooke (Sarah Butler). They’ve just moved in together, and Brooke just got promoted to sous-chef by the knockoff Gordon Ramsay she works for. Everything’s coming up salted caramel cake… by which I mean they probably threw up the salted caramel cake they were eating in the car when they hit a pedestrian and ended up in the hospital. Gee, I wonder if that guy who got hit (who dies and turns out to have been drunk) will have anything to do with this whole nightmare thing.
One of the nurses taking care of Lance and Brooke is Nurse Barb, who’s played by Traci Lords. At this point I just figured she was the nightmare nurse, because why would you cast Traci Lords as anything else? I mean, what a waste that would be. It turns out that Lance, who broke his leg, has to have a live-in nurse to take care of him, but Nurse Barb can’t do it, so they get sent a nurse named Chloe (Lindsay Hartley). As soon as Brooke opens the door to meet her, you can practically hear the “Oh no she’s hot” running through her head.
Despite her hotness, Chloe seems very nice and helpful at first, and Brooke says she trusts Lance. At this point I just figured Chloe would be killed by Barb, who would then take over and be the nightmare nurse of the title, because, like I said before, she’s Traci Lords. Then I saw Chloe go home to her boyfriend and headbutt him before they had sex, and I realized the movie was going with this girl. I never forgot Nurse Barb, though. And neither should you.
Gradually, Chloe’s nightmare side starts to come out. She starts implementing pressure point therapy to relieve Lance’s pain, and he really likes it. I mean, he really likes it. She explains what each point on his hands corresponds to on his body, and then she gets to one on his arm that she doesn’t identify but which he really enjoys, and I was like, “Um, is that the penis point? What is going on here?”
Chloe also insists on standing right next to him in the bathroom while he pees, and she starts wearing Brooke’s perfume and does that cliche villain thing where she turns over the framed photo of the couple because she can’t stand to look at it. She and Lance are getting along and having heart-to-hearts. He tells her she should dump her deadbeat boyfriend, and she takes that as an invitation to purposely spill soup on him so she can take his shirt off and then lick his nipple. Yes, I said lick his nipple. Lance’s face says, “Did she just lick my nipple?” Yes, Lance, she did.
The nipple-licking escalates to her trying to kiss him. You’d think it would be the other way around, but Chloe doesn’t exactly do things by the book, as you’ve probably noticed. Lance gets mad at her and asks her to leave, but she begs him not to fire her and promises it won’t happen again. Lance is very stupid, so obviously he gives her another chance. The next day he’s admitted to the hospital with an overdose of oxycodone, so… probably not the best decision. The night before, after googling “seducing Mr. Right,” Chloe had googled “overdose on oxy,” so she’s kind of the only suspect. (Side note: Hey, real Google!)
Lance tells Brooke everything that happened, and she calls Detective Thames (David Starzyk), who investigated their crash. He informs them that Chloe is manic depressive (the most popular Lifetime movie diagnosis) and had a past incident with a client she fell in love with. He was a married actor in Brentwood, which made People v. OJ-watching me be all, “Brentwood? Ruh-roh.” Long story short, she trashed his house but he dropped the charges. Brooke is like, “How is she even able to nurse still?” and the detective is like, “IDK. We’re working on that.” Which is Lifetime movie speech for “Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the crazy.”
Lance decides he doesn’t want to press charges, because ugh Lance. Chloe keeps showing up trying to see him and leaving emotional messages on his phone saying she loves him, but Brooke keeps her away. Then Chloe breaks into their house (always good to leave a key on the front porch when your unstable nurse is stalking you) and sticks a needle in a picture of the two of them. Real subtle, Chlo.
Meanwhile, Nurse Barb returns and offers to use her vacation days to take care of Lance when he gets out of the hospital. She even bakes him cookies. At this point I was just yelling at the TV for Barb to show her evil side already. It didn’t take long. Yes, that’s right, there are two nightmare nurses in this movie. Not a great endorsement for the medical profession, but I’m pretty sure Lifetime has made every career in existence look bad at some point, so it’s all even.
After Chloe knocks over Lance and Brooke’s lawyer Gwen (René Ashton) in a parking garage (of course) and puts her in a coma (of course), she tries to kill herself with the same oxycodone she used on Lance. The police find her and take her to the hospital, where she and Barb have a heart to heart. We learn that Barb paid Chloe to ruin Lance and Brooke’s lives, and she gave her placebos in place of her antidepressants to really sell it. Why is she doing this? Because she was engaged to the guy Lance hit, of course. When in doubt, it’s always revenge.
Barb knocks Chloe out and puts her in the back seat of her car. She also has her deadbeat boyfriend in the trunk. The reason for this is unclear, but she drives them to Lance’s house and feeds him a plate of drugged cookies. She also tells him she was the one who caused him to OD. Okay, but how? Oh, we’re not gonna cover that? Cool. Good thing the dead guy’s brother called Brooke at the perfect moment to be all, “Oh hey, btw, my brother had a fiancée and she might try to kill your boyfriend.” Brooke gets home, and she and Barb fight each other with Lance’s crutches. Fun!
It’s around this time that Chloe wakes up, gets out of Barb’s car, and decides to be a hero. Somehow she has a gun. No idea where she got it, but okay, let’s just go with it. Barb ends up wrestling her and stabbing her with a needle to knock her out again. Speaking of knocking out, that’s exactly what Brooke then does to Barb. “Is she dead?” she asks. Um, I don’t know, maybe she’ll just be in a coma like Gwen.
Oh, the movie isn’t actually going to tell us if she’s dead? Or what happens to Chloe? Or if her boyfriend is dead? We’re just going to watch Lance and Brooke propose to each other? I don’t know what I expected.