Today is Lea Michele‘s twenty-eighth birthday, so in honor of this blessed day, I thought we should probably talk about the fact that she is a robot in a human body. Oh did you not know that? I thought it was common knowledge, but I guess I can talk through it with you if you need me to.
I’m fully aware that she looks like a girl on the outside, but it is cogs and machinery and not flesh and blood within, I’m certain of it. But because not everyone has the same cold, analytic scientist brain that I possess, I’ve prepared some talking points as proof.
EXHIBIT A: She never ages.
As far as I can tell from photos, videos, and GIFs, Lea Michele just appeared on the scene as a mature-looking sixteen-year old and hasn’t aged a day since. Sometimes she loses weight between seasons of Glee, but other than that, I can see zero differences. She either has a stash of baby bone marrow in her dressing room somewhere, or she’s a robot wearing a human skin. WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER.
EXHIBIT B: She isn’t bad at anything.
Traditional humans have at least one area of weakness that can be exploited (trust me, I went to middle school), but so far, Lea has exhibited none. She sings, she dances, she acts, she wears bikinis, and she writes books. The only things she apparently doesn’t do well are sleep and be polite to other humans. Both things that further peg her as an android.
EXHIBIT C: Her emotions are dangerously strong.
Less than a month after the tragic death of Cory Monteith, who was allegedly her boyfriend at the time (although we don’t need to get into those conspiracy theories now), Lea was able to stand up in front of the entire audience at the Teen Choice Awards and give a touching, heart-breaking speech about him without shedding a single tear. Her eyes did get wet and glisten-y, but that’s something robots learn in Imitating Human Emotion 101. Easy as pie.
EXHIBIT D: She can’t be injured.
On the way to Lea’s Glee audition, she got into a huge accident outside the Fox parking lot. It was enough to completely total her car, but Lea emerged unscathed, PULLING GLASS OUT OF HER HAIR as she walked into the audition.
“I got into a massive car crash outside of the Fox lot — completely totaling my car. When I get into the room for my audition, I literally was still pulling pieces of glass out of my hair. They’re like, ‘Are you okay?’ I’m like, ‘I’m fine!’”
I KNOW YOU ARE. That’s what I’m worried about. She was so comfortable, in fact, that she even corrected the piano player when he or she made a mistake:
“I start singing my first song, and the piano player skipped through the second verse, so right in the middle of my song, I was like, ‘Excuse me!’ Very Rachel Berry!”
Are you not convinced? If this isn’t encouragement to sleep with one eye open (looking at you, Naya Rivera), then I don’t know what is.