Oh, John Stamos. Look at how far you’ve fallen. One minute you’re rocking out with the Rippers and the next minute you’re 51 and posting a shirtless mirror selfie to Instagram. Are those yogurt commercials not enough to tide you over on the attention front? Must you really resort to such desperate measures? I don’t see Jamie Lee Curtis doing this. Why isn’t yogurt ever enough for you celebrities?!
Last night while you were watching the VMAs and making uncomfortable eye contact with Kim Kardashian’s boobies, John Stamos was standing in front of his bathroom mirror, phone in front of him, trying to find the perfect angle from which to photograph his naked torso. Unless he took this photo days ago and was saving it, contemplating the perfect moment to premiere his bod to the Internet. He captioned it, “51 no filters F’ it.” I believe that translates to: “I’m 51 years old. I put no filters on this photo of my bare chest. Fuck it.”
These kinds of selfies always make me super uncomfortable, no matter who’s taking them, because all I can imagine is the behind-the-scenes mechanics of the photo and all the details the subject took into consideration: “Should I include armpit hair? Head or no head? How far down is it acceptable to pull my pants? Am I sucking my gut in enough? Do my nipples look weird?” And oh yeah, also because it just screams desperation. Not that John isn’t looking great. But if you can’t grab my attention through any other methods… that’s a problem. We already declared last week that he’s coasting on ’90s nostalgia. Now he’s coasting on his happy trail as well?
You might be wondering what’s going on with John’s belly button. I noticed it as well and discovered that it’s apparently the result of a botched childhood operation for what doctors believed to be a hernia. Good for him for not being ashamed of it, but still… everything else I just said earlier in this post.