• Sun, Aug 24 - 11:22 am ET

Lifetime Movie #PopFan Proves Why Celebrities Need Constant Supervision

Lifetime movie PopFan Xavier

Ava and Xavier start to bond — and over more than just the fact that they both have “av” in their names. Ava tells Xavier things she’s never told anyone, not even her boyfriend. Xavier admits that he used to listen to her music when he was “”"”in Afghanistan.”"”" (I thought that deserved extra quotation marks because of what bullshit it is.) Ava helps him with his lighthouse renovation, but things start to get kinda creepy when Xavier starts telling her that they’ve “got something special here” and he wants to be best friends forever. And when a creepy stalker says “forever,” he means FOREVER.

So obviously Ava crushes up some painkillers and spikes Xavier’s pasta, knocking him out long enough to discover his secret photo shrine to her, as well as all his military rejection letters, which he for some reason keeps in a convenient manila folder labeled “military,” just in case the pop stars he kidnaps need to know he’s a liar. She can’t find his keys to drive away until the next day, and while he’s out of the room she makes a run for it. That’s when he rushes out with no shirt on and carries her inside over his shoulder like a caveman. And he doesn’t put a shirt on for a very long time, which makes everything that much creepier, especially when he ties her to the bed and makes her dance around half naked while he films it and tortures her with a song of hers that she hates. You know, BFF stuff. And he also says things like, “You think Demi would have done this to me?” Gee, I wonder what Demi he’s referring to. Demi Moore maybe?

Meanwhile, boyfriend Curtis and Ava’s manager (Danny Wattley) are on their way to look for her after she managed to leave a message saying she’s in a lighthouse in Maine. Unfortunately there are a lot of lighthouses in Maine, and whether or not they’re inhabited by crazy stalkers isn’t labeled on the map. With the help of the bed and breakfast owner Ava stayed with, they find out Xavier’s place is nearby. And they show up at his door right before the rape happens! Thanks, dudes! Xavier comes down and pretends he hasn’t seen Ava, but Mr. Manager is suspicious when he gets the marines saying wrong, saying “hoohah” instead of “oorah.” Hoo. Hah. Hoohah. #Facepalm. Then he finds Ava’s watch in the bathroom and really suspects him. Unfortunately Xavier realizes that he suspects him, and he proceeds to shoot Mr. Manager to death and then shoot Curtis in the leg.

Cue lots of fighting and trying to get away by Curtis and Ava. Long story short, Xavier stops them from escaping and takes them into the house, where he yells at Ava that she should love him instead. And Ava plays along with it to buy them time, which of course leads to her and Xavier making out in front of Curtis, who has the best “I am so done” expression. But there’s still that gunshot wound to deal with, and Xavier decides to scare them by acting like he’s going to amputate Curtis’ leg with a saw. But this is Lifetime, so of course he doesn’t.

Then Xavier takes Ava outside to throw her manager’s body into the sea (how romantic), and she knocks him out with a rock. But this guy’s like Michael Myers, and he just keeps getting up after a few minutes. He goes looking for Ava in the lighthouse, and her singing leads him to the tower. Unfortunately there’s no Vertigo action, like I was hoping when I discovered there was a tall lighthouse right there for the script to work with. Ava just shoots Xavier to death with his nail gun. Meh, that’s acceptable as well.

Ava and Curtis escape in Xavier’s truck, and they pass her car being towed out of the ditch. She remembers she left her guitar in the trunk, so she stops the car while her boyfriend bleeds from a gunshot wound so she can go retrieve it. While doing so, she thinks one of the guys towing the car is Xavier, but turns out she’s just hallucinating. Phew. She’s all, “Oh hey, that’s mine! K thanks bye!” and takes her guitar back to her car without elaborating or providing proof of her identity or explaining how the accident happened, etc. Then when she gets back to Curtis, she tells him, “Let’s go home.” OR TO A HOSPITAL. YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS A SERIOUS GUNSHOT WOUND ON HIS LEG AND ALSO YOU JUST KILLED A MAN. YOU NEED TO CALL THE POLICE AND MAKE SURE THAT YOUR DEAD MANAGER GETS A PROPER BURIAL.

Celebrities, man.

(Images: Lifetime)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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  • Trevor

    This was one of your best reviews, Jill! Keep ‘em coming! Also, I felt it was ironic how they showed a preview for “Big Driver” (a movie based off a Stephen King novel) during PopFan while showing a movie that was a rip-off of Misery, another Stephen King novel! #INoticeTheseThings
    Also, I really don’t get why Lifetime replaced those movies with Tyler Perry. WTF, Lifetime!?!

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thank you! And ha, that’s interesting about the Stephen King connection.

    • Yippie

      Lifetime replaced the movies with Tyler Perry because Tyler Perry movies are more awesome!

  • Cbalducc

    I think our lady-in-peril is supposed to be based on Miley Cyrus, but why does she look like one of the Duff sisters?
    And why can’t blondes drive in the rain?
    How many “creeping Canadianisms” did you find?

  • drubbler

    Change “prove” to “shows” and you’ve ,got a good review. Proves means it was based on fact.

  • Andre Reichenbacher

    Umm, no mention of the fact that the town of Caribou, Maine is in the northern part of Aroostook County, AND IS NOT ON THE COAST? Therefore, THERE ARE NO LIGHTHOUSES IN CARIBOU, MAINE? Who wrote this? How could they have gotten that wrong? SMDH!

    • Sgrdnr54

      At least Im not the only one who noticed that! They obviously don’t know anything about the state of Maine…not even close to the coast!

  • https://www.facebook.com/groups/ManitouRMJ/ FrogFear

    Haha, this was awesome :-D Watched it last night after “Starving In Suburbia,” which was too legit good (IMO) to satisfy my need for cheese. This totally did the trick! And I have to say that the chain saw scene REALLY freaked me out! Thanks for the recap :)