Hellooooo! Long time no Lifetime. The past few weeks our precious Saturday night cheesefests were replaced by Tyler Perry’s this and Tyler Perry’s that. No offense against Tyler, but it’s good to be back. And boy oh boy did Lifetime pull out all the stops with their newest movie #PopFan. It has a hashtag and everything! Oh how I’ve missed this network.
The plot of #PopFan is that a famous, spoiled pop star crashes her car during a storm and is rescued by a young man who turns out to be a crazy stalker who wants to hold her hostage. Sounds a lot like… every other Lifetime movie. But also a little movie called Misery. It’s starting to seem like Lifetime’s weekly plan to borrow a plot from an existing movie and then throw a hashtag on it. And I approve of that wholeheartedly. As a celebrity blogger, I also approve of the very important lesson this movie teaches — that celebrities should not be allowed out of the house alone. Certainly not to drive.
The pop star in question is Ava (Chelsea Kane, known for Dancing With the Stars and also Disney stuff, but mostly Dancing With the Stars), a young lady who starred on a “stupid TV show” and then made a sexy music video to break away from it. But of course what she really wants to do is write meaningful songs on her guitar. If you want a better idea, just think of every single former Disney star in existence. There you go.
Despite the fact that she’ll later claim this whole “writhing on a bed in lingerie” thing is a stage persona, all the fame has kind of gone to Ava’s head and she’s being a real — pardon my French — biatch. She talks back to her manager about auditioning for a role in an Oscar-winning director’s movie and has the nerve to insult Sir Ian McKellen in the process. Oh hell to the no! SHE SHALL NOT PASS! Then to top it all off, she’s mean to her clean-cut boyfriend Curtis (Ben Hollingsworth), who doesn’t like who she’s become. He tells her she’s about to drive off a cliff. He means it metaphorically, but I WONDER IF IT’S ALSO FORESHADOWING! Ava’s mad, so she proceeds to grind on a random dude at a party and then make out with a girl. You know, pop star stuff.
But then Ava starts to feel really bad about things, so she decides to drive up the coast all by her lonesome. Big mistake. Huge. Things are going okay at first. She does a lot of in-car crying to acoustic lady music, then lets the wind blow through her hair like the free spirit that she is, and she ends up spending a refreshing night at a bed and breakfast. If only she remembered which side of the damn car her gas cap was on. Or how to pump gas at all. Luckily (or unluckily, as we’ll soon find out, aka already know because it’s been like fifteen minutes and still no kidnapping), there’s a gas station attendant named Xavier (Nolan Gerard Funk) there to help. They flirt, and he acts like he doesn’t recognize her. But guys, he totally does. GASP!
A storm is brewing, both metaphorically and literally. Ava ends up driving her car through heavy rain, which needless to say she is not very good at, and she ends up skidding into a ditch. Cue her waking up in a strange bed while Xavier brings her a tray of food. He claims that he saved her from her car before it burst into flames. And then he adds that he also once pulled shrapnel out of a wounded marine, because this guy goes big with his lies. Oh yeah, he’s totally lying about both those things, which isn’t really a spoiler because of how obvious it is.
Ava somehow doesn’t think it’s weird that a stranger placed her into his bed when she was unconscious with a possible concussion instead of getting her medical attention. And she also takes medicine from him with no question. Like I said, celebrities should not be left alone. Xavier luckily got the opportunity to kidnap his favorite pop star when there was a dangerous storm going on and the phones don’t work. And he also happens to live in an old lighthouse and drive a car that’s hard to start. Those things might have been deliberate planning, though.