The If I Stay Recap That Answers The Question: ‘Just Tell Me, Does She Stay?’

Can you believe this stud fell for this mousey introvert? (Via)

Can you believe this stud fell for this mousy introvert? (Via)

Look, the kids are going to love If I Stay. I won’t deny that. As a former 12-year-old myself, I know exactly what they want. And that’s a movie that promises them that being an introverted teen girl with limited social skills and an uncool hobby will eventually land them the hottest guy in school. Sure the introverted teen girl in this case happens to be the absolutely stunning Chloe Grace Moretz. And sure, she hits some rough patches (like the time she ends up in a coma), but all in all, this movie’s emotional preteen porn. I wouldn’t be surprised if cello sales rise 4000% over the weekend. Okay, fine, you’re right. I’m getting ahead of myself. I wouldn’t be surprised if googling, “will playing a cello land me a heartthrob help me or hurt me when it comes to losing my v-card before graduation?” rises 4000% over the weekend.

While we wait to see if my predictions are true, I figured I would spoil the entire movie for you. So if you’re unsure if you want to know if she stays, click that X right now. Because you’re going to find that out and more. Not much more, because the movie’s pretty basic as far as complex plots about ghost comas go, but definitely more.

Shall we begin? Okay! Let’s get this sobfest staaaarrtted.

So the first thing we learn about If I Stay is that Mia Hall (Chloe Grace Moretz) has the world’s coooolest parents. Get this, Mr. and Mrs. Hall are former rockers! As in they used to play instruments and move their bodies to the rhythm of the music. But then they had kids and had to settle down to raise them up right. Or did they? As we quickly learn, Mr. and Mrs. Hall Mr. and Mrs. Laidback still have a bit of rock left in them. How much exactly? Let’s just say Mia’s mom always has her shirt dangling off her shoulder. And what’s more punk rock than not caring if your shirt’s on right? What’s that? Oh right, there’s nothing more punk rock than that. (Side note: if there’s a difference between rock and punk rock, that will not be reflected in this recap.)

Is that a cat? Nah! It's just a cool mom. (Via)

Is that a cat? Nah! It’s just a cool mom. (Via)

Obviously Mia’s parents are totes disappointed that their daughter turned into a mousy cello player instead of a badass rocker. But they don’t let the disappointment show because they’re so fucking laid back and that would take effort. But Mia knows they wish she was more like them. She just can’t help the fact that she likes wearing ironed clothes and coordinated outfits! Luckily her parents popped out another kid, and he’s real into rock. How do I know? The first time we see him, he’s banging on his cereal bowls. How sikk is that? Lemme answer that for you, the sikkest.

Soon after meeting Mr. and Mrs. Laidback, we get to see Mia at school. She’s a total dork! Just playing the cello all alone, with her eyes closed tight. Adam, (Jamie Blackley), this super hot guy is all like, “who’s that dorky loser who I’m weirdly attracted to playing the cello???” And we’re all like, ohhh shittt, opposites about to attract. During this scene we also meet Mia’s best friend. Let’s just call her Judy Greer because she serves the exact same purpose in this movie – the cynical BFF who lives vicariously through her more attractive and successful friend. You know the type.


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    • Celia

      this movie is so cliche i thought it was a joke. like idk why they cast her in carrie. carrie was suposta be unattractive, i mean, at least hire an actress with a weird facial feature, not all american pretty chole mortez

      • Jenni

        It’s just offensive to act like it’s CRAZY a hot guy would like her. She’s insanely talented (she got into Julliard!) and insanely pretty. Two things that most people are into.

      • Celia

        yeah, its not even a play on cliches. they couldve twisted it and made her some kind of ghost who stalks him even though she is dead.

      • Jenni

        Isn’t there a movie starring Eva Longoria that has that same plot?

      • Magatha

        You have to tell me: did the high school cello-playing flashbacks include a lot of obnoxious fellow students fixated on how a girl has to spread her legs to play the cello? Because that’s what I remember. But I was neither insanely talented nor insanely pretty. Still, maybe these are more enlightened times. Or maybe if I’d had a Judy Greer sidekick, who was maybe a Slayer, to kick some non-demon ass. Hey. Time to write a screenplay….

      • Jenni

        No sexual cello jokes. Sadly, only sexy cello foreplay.

    • CMJ

      I am not going to lie, when I saw the preview, I was like…well….what does she do? So I read the plot of both books.

      • Jenni

        I didn’t even know there was a sequel until they passed out an excerpt at the end of the movie. It sounds even worse. So naturally I’ll see it in theaters.

    • Sabba

      Thank you for the ending! I’ve been trying to google that shit for weeks. Also, this movie sounds like the worst.

      • Jenni

        I do what I can for society!

    • Coco

      Best. Review. Ever.

      • Jenni

        Well I owe it all to a wonderful movie! That makes complete sense! And is not at all designed to make girls in braces cry in the dark on a Friday night!

    • B. Hostess with the Mostess

      Really Jenni, you must have no heart at all. The least you could do is mention the amazing soundtrack. Can’t wait to hear Avicii’s next big hit feat. Yo Yo Ma

      • Jenni

        So happy you brought up the soundtrack. It’s about time a teen drama got bach to the basics with their music choices. <—-You should like this comment if you see what I did there.

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    • Megan

      I was unwilling to shell out the megabucks for a sitter to actually see this in theaters, but I did put it on my “to download to kindle” list. Deleting from said list, as I find this version much funnier and now I know the ending!

      • Jenni

        I should send you the excerpt for the next book. It’s called “Where she went.” No joke.

      • Megan

        HOW DO YOI EVEN MAKE A SEQUEL TO THIS?! Let me guess this time he’s in the coma?

      • Jenni

        We should be so lucky that that’s the premise.

    • teach

      I can tell you that this is super popular with the 15 year old girl set. I teach high school and this is the one book that my students are reading and loving. It’s not indepth or anything, but hey, if it gets them to read instead of text, I’m all for it.

      • Jenni

        From what I’ve heard, the ghost coma works much better in writing than it does on screen. Or least I hope so, otherwise the kids have got to raise their standards.

    • joshua

      Then for the prequel – “if I am born.” This is where her punk rock mom decides to keep Mia or not.
      Then, the sequel to the prequel.. “if im adopted.” This is when Mia’s parents find out shes a cello player

    • Guest

      You should probably read the fucking book stupid

      • Jenni

        fuck yeah dude!

    • Ahshakan

      If you read the book you would know that Mia can’t float through walls… It’s not all “floats through walls and levitate” in an out of body experience. Thought you should know since you wrote quite a bit about her “not taking advantage of her ghostly powers”

      • Jenni

        Okay, fine, I’ll rephrase: the author did not take advantage of writing a character in a ghost coma.

    • ghost buster

      jenni excellent review I walked out of the movie

    • Erica

      Thanks for the recap, I appreciate the honest synopsis. I didn’t want to see it, I’m not even sure why I wanted to know if she stayed!

    • Juli

      So she stays and is still with Adam right? TBH best revivew ever. Is there a book free this one

    • paul

      Ok what would have really been the bubble in the gum for me is if Mia would have Hard Candy’d Adam’s Tit Signing hand and said You’re busted Dylan Adam Wallflower. Hey me uh I’ve got a coma to get to. Tell me uh cover your faired perked tits and bring that boy to his

    • Lyric

      … If you read the book, you’d understand a lot more. She isn’t exactly like a ghost, she can’t make things levitate, and she can’t walk through anything. She has to wait for doors to open. And did they really break up and get back together? In the book, they NEVER did that. They knew it was difficult, sometimes they weren’t happy with how difficult things were, but they knew that they were meant for each other and they never broke up.

      • Jenni

        Eh, it’s more fun to ghost shame her.

      • Annie

        They actually did break up, between books though. The second book, “Where She Went” is about what happens then.

    • meg

      I really enjoyed it up to the point she was leaving and came back for a guy.

    • AKay

      Best Review Everrrrr!

    • Liana

      You’re so hilarious! This is the most legit review! my mom wants to see this so bad and I’m like this shit looks terrible mom. Lol. Now I’m gonna ruin it for her. Mwahaha

    • Teria

      i dont get why she stayed i mean..waking up without a family? no thanks.