Look, the kids are going to love If I Stay. I won’t deny that. As a former 12-year-old myself, I know exactly what they want. And that’s a movie that promises them that being an introverted teen girl with limited social skills and an uncool hobby will eventually land them the hottest guy in school. Sure the introverted teen girl in this case happens to be the absolutely stunning Chloe Grace Moretz. And sure, she hits some rough patches (like the time she ends up in a coma), but all in all, this movie’s emotional preteen porn. I wouldn’t be surprised if cello sales rise 4000% over the weekend. Okay, fine, you’re right. I’m getting ahead of myself. I wouldn’t be surprised if googling, “will playing a cello land me a heartthrob help me or hurt me when it comes to losing my v-card before graduation?” rises 4000% over the weekend.
While we wait to see if my predictions are true, I figured I would spoil the entire movie for you. So if you’re unsure if you want to know if she stays, click that X right now. Because you’re going to find that out and more. Not much more, because the movie’s pretty basic as far as complex plots about ghost comas go, but definitely more.
Shall we begin? Okay! Let’s get this sobfest staaaarrtted.
So the first thing we learn about If I Stay is that Mia Hall (Chloe Grace Moretz) has the world’s coooolest parents. Get this, Mr. and Mrs. Hall are former rockers! As in they used to play instruments and move their bodies to the rhythm of the music. But then they had kids and had to settle down to raise them up right. Or did they? As we quickly learn,
Mr. and Mrs. Hall Mr. and Mrs. Laidback still have a bit of rock left in them. How much exactly? Let’s just say Mia’s mom always has her shirt dangling off her shoulder. And what’s more punk rock than not caring if your shirt’s on right? What’s that? Oh right, there’s nothing more punk rock than that. (Side note: if there’s a difference between rock and punk rock, that will not be reflected in this recap.)
Obviously Mia’s parents are totes disappointed that their daughter turned into a mousy cello player instead of a badass rocker. But they don’t let the disappointment show because they’re so fucking laid back and that would take effort. But Mia knows they wish she was more like them. She just can’t help the fact that she likes wearing ironed clothes and coordinated outfits! Luckily her parents popped out another kid, and he’s real into rock. How do I know? The first time we see him, he’s banging on his cereal bowls. How sikk is that? Lemme answer that for you, the sikkest.
Soon after meeting Mr. and Mrs. Laidback, we get to see Mia at school. She’s a total dork! Just playing the cello all alone, with her eyes closed tight. Adam, (Jamie Blackley), this super hot guy is all like, “who’s that dorky loser who I’m weirdly attracted to playing the cello???” And we’re all like, ohhh shittt, opposites about to attract. During this scene we also meet Mia’s best friend. Let’s just call her Judy Greer because she serves the exact same purpose in this movie – the cynical BFF who lives vicariously through her more attractive and successful friend. You know the type.
KEEP READING TO FIND OUT IF MIA STAYS OR IF MIA GOES!