• Thu, Aug 21 - 10:19 am ET

Brad Pitt Doesn’t Love Angelina Jolie, According To His (Wait For It) Psychic

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie attending The Normal Heart premiere May 2014 Brangelina

I don’t know if you know this, but Brad Pitt apparently has a psychic friend named Ron Bard. I guess psychics don’t have the same confidentiality policy that doctors do, because Ron told The Daily Mail everything he knows about Brad’s relationship with Angelina Jolie. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say everything he knows? I meant everything he “knows.” Saying we should take these comments with a grain of salt is hilariously obvious. But let’s read what those comments are anyway, because it’s just too ridiculous to pass up.

Ron claims that he predicted Brangelina’s relationship in the first place, telling Brad in 2005 that he would meet someone who would “change your whole life” on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Now he claims that Angelina has “boxed him in,” but Brad’s sticking by her for the sake of their hundreds of children. (Okay, so there are only six.)

“At the end of the day, whether [Pitt is] in love or he’s not in love is not the question. The question is he’s a man who made a commitment to six children and he’s keeping his commitment to those six children. Whether he loves her or not, [that’s] another story.”

Translation: “Wink, wink. He doesn’t love her.” But despite all that stuff about feeling boxed in, Ron predicts they’ll still have more kids anyway: “You can bet on it, for sure. I think we’re going to hit nine.” Hey guys, let’s all go ahead and not bet on that, okay?

Oh, and then there are Ron’s claims that Brad and Angie have already gotten married in secret. Either that or it will be “pretty soon, in the next few months.” Wow, what a bold prediction to make. Ron also wants you to know that he did not break up Brad and Jennifer Aniston. That was Brad’s own decision:

“I only asked questions: ‘if this, if this, if this, if that…’ I didn’t say ‘divorce Jennifer so you can go with this hot chick’.”

Wow, such eloquence.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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  • Lackadaisical

    So when he claims to be Mr Pitt’s psychic friend does that mean his entire friendship occurs on the pshycic plane? Does he converse with Pitt with the power of his mind despite never having met or spoken to Pitt in the humdrum physical world that muggles like us inhabbit? I am imagining him getting a vague look for a minute and then telling the interviewer”that was my mate Brad, he says that a colour that name begins with the letter g is important to him, or maybe beginning with p”. If he doesn’t know if they have married without telling the world or not then he can’t be very close to Pitt.

    • fantasymother

      Imagine taking a test for your driver’s license while coasting on the psychic plane? Shopping at Whole Foods? Getting a colonoscopy?

      If you have polyps on the psychic plane do you have polyps on this plane?

      Being a psychic is hell. Ask Perez.