• Thu, Aug 21 - 11:01 am ET

Why The Hell Did Gwyneth Paltrow Nominate Chris Martin For The Ice Bucket Challenge?

Gwyneth Paltrow doing ALS ice bucket challenge in bikini August 2014I just want to make sure — I didn’t accidentally fall through a time warp into a time when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are still happily married, right? Because that’s the only explanation that makes sense for why Gwyneth would have nominated Chris for the ALS ice bucket challenge.

If you’d told me a couple weeks ago that a fundraising stunt for a great cause would also pay off in such a rewarding way in the celebrity world, I would have called you crazy. (You’re crazy!) But over the past week or so of celebrities challenging each other to pour ice water over their heads, I’ve actually learned a lot. Like the fact that Emily Blunt and John Krasinski are the cutest couple ever, that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are hardcore stunting for the cameras pretending their marriage is okay, and that Gwyneth and Chris…I don’t know what they are.

Gwyneth was nominated by Tracy Anderson, Chef Jose Andreas, and Martha Stewart (see, you also get to figure out which celebs are weirdly friends!), and before she gets the water poured over herself, she nominates Cameron Diaz, Stella McCartney, and her estranged husband. I don’t get what we’re doing here, but sure.

Like, what’s Gwynnie’s angle here? Is she trying to distract from the rumors that she’s already rebounding with Brad Falchuk? Does she not understand the concept of conscious uncoupling? Or does she just want Chris to get water poured over his head, plain and simple, for his insolence in starting to eat meat again?

We may never know, but while I have you here, I have some notes.

  1. You’re not supposed to be in your bikini. The whole point is that you get ice water poured onto you while you’re wearing a full outfit, because that’s super uncomfortable and inconvenient.
  2. I see no cubes in that water, girl. This isn’t called the ‘tepid water in the tasteful vintage bucket challenge’ (although if it was, you would have won). It’s called the ALS ice bucket challenge. As in there must be ice. In your bucket. So as to make the water colder and more unpleasant. Pretty straightforward.
  3. Did you donate? I have no idea, because you never told me.
    [Update: a commenter points out that Gwyneth does say she's going to donate right at the beginning of the video, and on my first viewing I misunderstood that she was simply directing others to the website in case they wanted to donate.]
  4. YOU DID NOT EVEN STAY IN THE WATER THE WHOLE TIME.

No way, nope. No points awarded, except for confusion ones. Curse you, Paltrow!

Share This Post:
  • Dave

    Chris Martin should do it and nominate Jennifer Lawrence. :p

    • vikw

      I say take ti a step further and nominate Nicholas Hoult!

    • Dave

      lmao

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      This is genius.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      YESSSSS!

  • Cassandra Hough

    If I sign up for the ‘tepid water in the tasteful vintage bucket challenge’ do I have to donate to help fund the $50 bottles of honey used in GOOP?

  • enté

    “Did you donate? I have no idea, because you never told me.” – she said: “going to donate…” in the FIRST sentence…
    But yes, haters gonna hate.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You’re right! I missed that, because I thought she was saying “[you] go to ALS.com to donate”, like instructing the viewers. My fault, good catch!

  • Barbara

    Wow, you sound like a real bitch, “Alexis Rhiannon”. Are you so bitter about your own life that you have to lash out and make petty, nasty judgmental remarks against someone you don’t even know personally? Yes, everyone judges celebrities from time to time, but this, this “article” just makes you look like an all out terrible person.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Would you like to be more specific about which part you’re referring to?

      And my name doesn’t need to be in quotes. I’m a human, not a concept.

    • guest

      “Barbara” is just jealous. Haters gonna hate.

  • wispy

    I figured she was in the bikini to try to win him back from Jennifer Lawrence.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Good call.

  • Mockingjay

    The whole thing is for fun, it’s nothing to be taken seriously

  • Amber W

    i assumed it was because she was going for the “we’re still friends, we’re raising kids together, we only consciously uncoupled!” angle. which i get, actually. having an amicable breakup means not pretending like your ex doesn’t exist anymore.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Girl I know it.