I just want to make sure — I didn’t accidentally fall through a time warp into a time when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are still happily married, right? Because that’s the only explanation that makes sense for why Gwyneth would have nominated Chris for the ALS ice bucket challenge.
If you’d told me a couple weeks ago that a fundraising stunt for a great cause would also pay off in such a rewarding way in the celebrity world, I would have called you crazy. (You’re crazy!) But over the past week or so of celebrities challenging each other to pour ice water over their heads, I’ve actually learned a lot. Like the fact that Emily Blunt and John Krasinski are the cutest couple ever, that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are hardcore stunting for the cameras pretending their marriage is okay, and that Gwyneth and Chris…I don’t know what they are.
Gwyneth was nominated by Tracy Anderson, Chef Jose Andreas, and Martha Stewart (see, you also get to figure out which celebs are weirdly friends!), and before she gets the water poured over herself, she nominates Cameron Diaz, Stella McCartney, and her estranged husband. I don’t get what we’re doing here, but sure.
Like, what’s Gwynnie’s angle here? Is she trying to distract from the rumors that she’s already rebounding with Brad Falchuk? Does she not understand the concept of conscious uncoupling? Or does she just want Chris to get water poured over his head, plain and simple, for his insolence in starting to eat meat again?
We may never know, but while I have you here, I have some notes.
- You’re not supposed to be in your bikini. The whole point is that you get ice water poured onto you while you’re wearing a full outfit, because that’s super uncomfortable and inconvenient.
- I see no cubes in that water, girl. This isn’t called the ‘tepid water in the tasteful vintage bucket challenge’ (although if it was, you would have won). It’s called the ALS ice bucket challenge. As in there must be ice. In your bucket. So as to make the water colder and more unpleasant. Pretty straightforward.
- Did you donate? I have no idea, because you never told me.
[Update: a commenter points out that Gwyneth does say she's going to donate right at the beginning of the video, and on my first viewing I misunderstood that she was simply directing others to the website in case they wanted to donate.]
- YOU DID NOT EVEN STAY IN THE WATER THE WHOLE TIME.
No way, nope. No points awarded, except for confusion ones. Curse you, Paltrow!