Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay. Lohan. Lohan, Lindsay. LiLo. The Lindster. L.L. Bean. (I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.) What are we going to do with you? Your whole life is just one awkward moment after another. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were on an all-embarrassment diet. Except you probably don’t even feel embarrassed about your life, do you? Which is why we have to feel all that embarrassment for you. Thanks a lot, Linds! It’s not like I have my own embarrassing moments to experience or anything.
Just to catch you up, here are nine times we facepalmed, cringed, and wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear on behalf of Lindsay Lohan and her embarrassing life. I didn’t include all the arrests and rehab stints, because we’d be here all day if I did that.
1. When her credit card was declined at a nightclub.
According to Page Six, this happened over the weekend at Southampton nightclub 1Oak. The article says it was “a rare move” for Lindsay to actually attempt to pay the $2,500 bill for her table, but her card was rejected. Dammit, she was trying to make a rare move!
2. When everyone saw the celebrity sex list she made.
Just a little handwritten list featuring dozens of famous men, some of them married, that Lindsay admits to writing and which was leaked to the public. Nothing to see here, move along.
3. When the guys on that list said they didn’t sleep with her.
You know when you brag about sleeping with James Franco or Adam Levine or Zac Efron on your handwritten sex list, and then that sex list gets leaked, and then James and Adam and Zac are like, “Hahahaha, no”? Lindsay does.
4. When James Franco made her sound like a stalker.
James took things a step further than denying he slept with Lindsay when he actually wrote a short story all about the time they hung out without having sex. And how he read short stories to her. That’s the part that would embarrass me most, personally.
5. When her half-sister got plastic surgery to look like her.
Not only did she try to make herself look like Lindsay, but she tried to make herself look like Lindsay in her “good days.” If you’re not even 30 years old and people are trying to look like you in your “good days,” that’s a bad sign.
6. Whenever Michael or Dina Lohan says or does anything.
If I tried to list all the arrests, fights, tipsy interviews and quotes about Lindsay looking like an old person, it would take all day. Michael and Dina’s very existence is an embarrassment, so we’ll leave it at that.
7. Liz & Dick.
Just everything about Liz & Dick is cause for embarrassment. I’m mostly embarrassed for Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, but also for Lindsay. Because oh my gawd was that a disaster.
8. Every time she posts a photo of her boobs on Instagram.
Lindsay, stahp! Your boobs don’t need to make so many cameos. In fact, they don’t need to make any cameos. Especially when they’re boobs of the side variety. And also when there’s a phantom nipple involved.
9. When Oprah scolded her.
To be fair, somebody really needed to scold her. Whether it should have been Oprah or not is debatable. But there’s no denying that the idea of Oprah scolding me is a terrifying one. Unless she’s scolding me for taking too long to accept my new car or something.