If you’ve been losing sleep and alienating your loved ones over your anxiety for the premiere of The Unauthorized Story of Saved by the Bell, then I’ve got some good news for you. While it still isn’t airing until September, Lifetime has rationed us a few more sneak peeks since the release of the first clip to keep us quiet and happy. Quappy, as I like to call it never.
But the thing is, this second trailer is filled with so much melodrama that it’s actually having the opposite effect. I want to streak through the streets shouting, “Did you know that the cast of SBTB genuinely hated one another when they weren’t having epic house parties? And also that Lifetime insists on blasting Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” in every trailer so that we’re for sure this movie happens in the ’90s???” Maybe I’ll get arrested, but it’ll get the message across.
This time around, we learn that Dustin Diamond was a real Mike Tyson in his day, punching out a kid for merely recognizing him on the street. Also, that Mario Lopez did not know what a shower was, and that Mark-Paul Gosselaar lived up to that rule of thumb that every guy with two first names is a douche and a half.
And most importantly, yes, you patient little flower, this trailer does feature the ominous phrase, “Well, the network didn’t kill us. But the hormones might.” I’m really glad you asked about that one specifically, because it nearly slipped my mind and is actually the most important tidbit.