In case you missed it (or thought you dreamed it), Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are rumored to be dating. As in 37-year-old, just-split-from-Gwynnie Chris Martin and 24-year-old, I’m-everyone’s-dream-BFF Jennifer Lawrence. Obviously their nickname is Martin Lawrence, and I’m almost willing to put my confusion aside just to be able to use that. But really, what’s the deal here? Were they created from some celebrity couples mad libs game with blanks reading “30-something divorcee” and “20-something it girl”?
Hmm, that sounds like a fun game, actually. Let’s play it and create some celebrity couples just as random as this one. There are a few celebrities out there who have recently split from their significant others (and a couple who seem to be headed that way) and are in need of a rebound, so why not? Here are seven imaginary celeb couples just as WTF as Martin Lawrence. I expect at least half of them to be canon by year’s end.
1. Robin Thicke
Robin hasn’t been taking his recent split from Paula Patton too well, what with the performances dedicated to her and the titling of his album after her. He needs to move on with a new lady. So what 20-something should we pair him up with? How about…
She could make him some herbal remedies in mason jars to calm him down. They also both have some pretty confusing ideas about feminism that they can bond over. And Shailene likes to go barefoot, which is great since Robin likes to be slapped in the face by bare feet!
…and their nickname would be Thick Wood. I’m not even sorry.
2. Orlando Bloom
Not only does Orlando’s ex Miranda Kerr have a nanny follow him around when he takes care of their son, but he has to deal with Bieber’s punchable face coming up to him in restaurants. He could use a new lady. But who?
This one actually isn’t so random (except that it really is), because Orlando and Selena have been spotted hanging out. And there was that whole rumor about Miranda cheating on Orlando with Bieber, so what a flawless revenge plan!
…and their nickname would be Orlena. Hmm, kind of sounds like an insurance company, which is appropriate since both of them are sort of boring. Sorry, you two.
3. Gwyneth Paltrow
Let’s not leave the ladies hanging! Gwyneth is reportedly now dating Glee co-creator Brad Falchuk, but I vote she goes for someone younger. How about…
As long as we’re doing the switcharoo for Orlando and Miranda, why not do it with Gwyneth and Chris as well? Chris allegedly likes Jennifer because she’s the “polar opposite” of Gwyneth, so maybe the same will work for Nicholas. And he’s British, so Gwyneth won’t have to get used to a new accent!
…and their nickname would be Gwynolas. Sounds like Legolas’ cousin who likes kale.
4. Paula Patton
Paula needs a younger man with non-creepy facial hair who avoids Beetlejuice suits. But who should it be?
It’s perfect, because they both witnessed their significant others grind on each other in front of millions of people. What a thing to bond over!
…and their nickname would be Pattonsworth. Isn’t he a butler on Downton Abbey?
5. Miranda Kerr
Miranda’s a bit younger than the other divorcees on this list, but since we’re pairing Orlando up with someone it’s only fair. Now who should we match her with? Hmm…
Oh. Oh, this is awkward. This is very awkward, indeed. Guess this might not exactly be “imaginary,” even though I consider it a personal nightmare.
But hey, their nickname would be Biebkerr. That kind of works.
6. Ben Affleck
While we’re at it, we might as well also make some matches for the guys who are rumored to be headed for divorce. Once Ben Affleck gets his Jennifer Garner removed, who should he go for next?
I don’t really have any explanation for this other than the fact that their nickname could be Benihana, and that’s just too good to pass up. Credit for this brilliance goes to Alexis.
If those rumors that he and Beyonce are headed for splitsville are true, who should Jay see next?
Taylor Swift, I’m happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! So who better for Jay-Z to rebound with than the girl who stole the VMA from her? Think of the juicy break-up songs we’d get out it!
…and their nickname would be Tay-Z. Enough said.