Guys, we need to talk about Leonardo DiCaprio. I’ve kept silent about this issue for far too long, but it’s time to address it. It’s been clear for a while now that Leo’s on the road to becoming the next Jack Nicholson (aka the creepy old playboy who sits in the front row at the Oscars wearing sunglasses), but I didn’t know he would have to go through so many disturbing stages on his way there. Take, for example, the look he sported on Saturday at Oceana’s 2014 SeaChange Summer Party in Laguna Beach, California. There’s a lot to take in, so bear with me.
You can see in the photo above that he’s doing the exact opposite of rocking that beard. It’s a little too long, a little too messy, a little too familiar with the skin on his neck. What is he hiding in there? Snacks? Breath mints? Condoms for his inevitable hook-up with a 20-something later? The phone numbers of all the Oscar voters? The wreckage of the Titanic? What could it possibly be?!
You’ll also notice that Leo has his hair slicked back. Not quite as unusual, since that’s been his go-to look for a while now. It does look a little greasier and sloppier than it has in the past, though. And what are those stray pieces falling out above his ear? It’s almost like he has it pulled back in a… OH NO! PLEASE NO! WHYYYYY????
Yes, as you can see, Leo is now in possession of a man bun, which means he’s now reached the Shia LaBeouf/Joaquin Phoenix stage of his transition. How did it come to this? I knew he wasn’t the dreamboat he used to be, but that’s bound to happen with age, and I still held onto a little hope that he would at least remain dapper as he got older. Well, dapper enough to not sport a man bun and an Ellen-style sneakers-and-suit combo. But I guess it’s all too easy to throw hygiene and fashion sense out the window when you’re hooking up with models on yachts.
I know I said I’d never let go, Leo, but I think it’s time to pry your frozen fingers from my grasp and let you sink into the creepy middle-aged abyss so I can float away on my piece of wood that could have totally held both of us and get over you. It pains me to say this, but the heartthrob has now become the heartslob. Thanks for the pun opportunity.