It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been out of school, every year as August draws to a close, I start to get a case of the makeover-willies. You know, that feeling that comes over you when it gets close to back-to-school time and you’re like THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT. This time I’ll march into those halls with a whole new wardrobe and a whole new attitude, and it will be wall-to-wall respect.
And of course we think that, because we’ve been conditioned to by decades of makeover montages in our favorite movies and TV show. Right up until the day we set foot back on campus, we’re convinced that this will be our year, that we’ve suddenly blossomed into the beautiful swan we were always meant to be, and other attractive people will recognize this and come flocking to our side.
But guess what? That’s never how it goes. Hate to be the one to break it to you, but there are some pretty big differences between makeovers in real life and makeovers in movies, and I’ve laid them all out for you here:
1. Your friends aren’t actually good at cutting hair.
No seriously. If anyone ever takes you into their basement with a pair of scissors and says they want to give you a new look, you do not walk out of there with a sassy, flippy do, I promise you.
2. Human beings are not goldfish.
Human beings are not goldfish. If you’re planning a complete and utter transformation, save it for between high school and college. If you premiere a new wardrobe, full face of makeup, different haircut, and sassy new nickname on the same day with people who have known you for years, prepare to be called out immediately and mocked ceaselessly until you go back to the way people were comfortable with you.
3. There’s gonna be some upkeep.
It’s all well and good to get a blow-out, have your eyebrows plucked, and get rid of your ugly-girl glasses (you COW), but unless you’re traveling with a glam squad, there’s no way you have the skills to keep that look up. Nor do you automatically know how to walk in heels, put in contacts, or straighten your hair, so you better get to practicing! One does not simply LEARN to touch one’s eye after being averse to it for one’s entire life.
4. There is such a thing as bad skin.
You wouldn’t know it to watch a rom-com, but there is such a thing as pimples in the world. No matter how ‘desperate’ a cause is, all it really takes to make someone over is to take their hair down from their ponytail, remove their glasses, and slick on a layer of lip gloss. Nobody ever even has to cut out greasy food or go to the gym or get their teeth whitened, it turned out they were gorgeous in the first place and nobody realized it! How convenient!
5. Caring is creepy.
Maybe it’s just because I looked like a golden retriever with braces on in high school, but if I had ever sat down at a table with popular people and been like ‘HAY GURLS, I’M ONE OF U!!!’, they would have smelled that rat in a second. I don’t care how big your boobs are or how well you’ve mastered the carefree hair toss, the way to make over your social standing is to care less about it, not more. One of the great ironies of high school that I didn’t learn until way later, and movies didn’t learn ’til ever.
6. Hope you’re rich, bro!
If you seriously want to go whole hog on a make over (and who wouldn’t, when I bring pigs into it??), then I hope you have bottomless pockets because replacing your WHOLE WARDROBE? You kidding me? All you ever see in the movies is people happily trundling off to the mall with their new friends…with no mention of the endless hours you’d have to put in at your after-school job or sucking up to your parents to be able to swing that.
So what have we learned? That we’re all beautiful as we are, right? (I know, I’m too lazy to put any of these things into practice either. Solidarity.)