Remember the sacred union between Madonna and Sean Penn? I believe that period of time is when the phrase “you two deserve each other” originated, if I’m not mistaken. Since this weekend brought about not one, but both of their birthdays, what better way to celebrate than by compiling a list of celebrity unions where both parties involved are equally obnoxious! Now that notorious hothead Sean Penn is Charlize Theron‘s problem (ugh), let’s take a trip down memory lane and acknowledge the insufferable celebrity marriages (both present and past) that make us feel all warm and tingly inside. Because we know no one else would or could put up with these people.
1. Madonna and Sean Penn (for obvious reasons)
Their entire relationship basically revolved around violent outbursts against the press, including one incident for which he was arrested for assaulting a photographer on a film set. Penn was also charged with felony domestic assault for attacking Madonna later on in their marriage, a charge for which he pleaded to a misdemeanor. It’s unclear if this is what drove her to adopt her famous British persona.
2. Alec and Hilaria Baldwin
These two. THESE TWO. Between his public outbursts and Twitter tantrums, and her obnoxious daily yoga poses where she finds ways to condescend and inconvenience pretty much everyone in New York, they’re the perfect match. She gets to live in the lap of luxury and host a tabloid TV show, and he gets a beautiful younger woman to get all bend-y with anytime he wants. Win-win arrangement, if you ask me.
3. Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler
Okay, so I don’t have a super strong argument for why I can’t stand these two other than I just can’t. She spews anti-vaccination garbage all over the internet and he proposed to her via text message. Lame, lame, and more lame.
4. Leonardo DiCaprio and Toni Garrn
Yes, I know these two aren’t married. But since he probably never will walk down the aisle, this is about as close as we’re gonna get. I don’t necessarily find her insufferable, mostly because I don’t know anything about her other than she’s practically still a baby and he’s 18 years older than her. I just find it obnoxious that he dates someone younger with each relationship, they’re all blonde Victoria’s Secret models, and can’t possibly have much in common. There are plenty of younger, hotter guys who can offer her a life of yachting and Coachella dancing, and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she finds them.
5. John Travolta and Kelly Preston
Jorm Travolta and his wife just seem so blissfully clueless, it’s hard to pick on them. But who are we kidding here? She’s probably the world’s longest-running beard, and he still thinks we all believe that’s his actual hair. What alternate Scientology world are they living in? (Other than Adele Dazeem’s I mean.)
6. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
Who even ARE they? Seriously. They’re both good-looking, the end. And their kids are cute. But every time I read an interview she gives, I want to poke my eyeballs out. And he was the least interesting character on 90210.
7. Giselle Bundchen and Tom Brady
She’s in competition with Hilaria Baldwin over Most Annoying Instagram Account. We get it, you’re hot. And bend-y. And a great multitasker. WE GET IT. And he’s the quarterback for the Patriots, so we’re all just expected to hate him. (Go Steelers!)
I mean, it’s almost unfair to put them on this list with everyone else since they are THE most deserving, obnoxious couple around. But I had to. Because of this GIF.
9. Heidi and Spencer Pratt
I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize right now, because I think I just gave them the first tidbit of attention they’ve probably had in years. I’m so sorry I did this to you.
10. Carmen Electra And Dennis Rodman
Oh, hello there! Why, it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other! I’m surprised this marriage didn’t last the long haul, since the last time either of these two were relevant in any way is about the same time this photo was taken.
11. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson
Well done, you two. You filled the obnoxious celebrity couple quota for the better part of two decades! I feel like these two set the standard. Could you imagine if the internet was around when they first hooked up? Kimye wouldn’t even be a real thing now, probably.