Hey, Taylor Swift, can you put your bangs on the phone for a minute? Because I need to talk to them about getting in the way of our relationship.
I’m at this weird place now where I actually like you…and it’s new and it’s scary, and GODDAMNIT YOUR BANGS ARE TRYING TO RUIN IT. After years of Taylor really not being my cup of tea, I finally came around to the fact that she’s either:
A. Working with a stellar PR team.
B. Growing on me.
C. Growing into herself.
D. Not that bad.
E. All of the above.
I’m thinking at this point it’s probably E, but every time I open up an article on her and get ready to marvel at her incredible fashion sense or heart-warming dedication to her fans, I’m like WHOA HEY BANGS GET OUTTA HERE GO HOME. Seriously, it’s been pretty distracting of late, and it’s starting to intrude on the genuinely lovely rapport that I have with Taylor. (Inside my own head.)
Don’t believe me? Right this way, for a picture-by-picture look at the times that Taylor’s bangs needed to pull it the eff together.
1. At the Teen Choice Awards.
(Photo: Brian To / WENN.com)
Not only have Taylor’s bangs taken control of (and effectively vanished) her eyebrows here, but they’ve also steered this haircut dangerously close to a mullet. Is that what you want, bangs?? IS IT?!?!!
2. In the East Village after the gym.
(Photo: Alberto Reyes / WENN.com)
TAYLOR. Don’t you think it’s irresponsible to have your bangs so near to a child when they’re out of control like that? Haven’t you ever heard that bangs are the pitbulls of the face??
3. While visiting Jimmy Fallon.
Girl, the bottom part looks good, but those bangs are wearing your face like a tulip skirt. The whole point of a side bang is that it chooses one side to swoop on, so why aren’t you making it choose a side?
4. Leaving the gym again.
(Photo: TNYF / WENN.com)
Seriously?? Am I the only one seeing this? She tried to contain them with a hat, but now her bangs are slithering out the side and down her face like a hair-snake! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.
5. In the park.
(Photo: TNYF / WENN.com)
TAYLOR ARE YOU IN THERE I CAN BARELY SEE YOU! And look how fluttery and wispy her hair is in this photo! It’s as if the bangs are peacocking, in hopes of luring a mate.
(Photo: RGK / PacificCoastNews)
LOOK OUT FOR YOUR MOUTH THEY’VE ALMOST GOT YOU.
7. Doing press for The Giver.
(Photo: Michael Loccisano / Getty Images)
The bangs seem to have Become Aware and are trying to blend in with the longer hair on the side. I see you bangs, and I am not afraid.
8. On Instagram.
The Bangs just trying out new textures, because that’s something they can do now.
9. While visiting Seth Meyers.
Now they’ve turned to full-on mockery, because you can’t just start your bangs that far over on your head Taylor, you just CAN’T. It isn’t done!!!
This has been a public safety announcement, I hope we’re all leaving here a little better informed.