• Sat, Aug 9 - 2:35 pm ET

Idris Elba Confirms He Does Not In Fact Have An Anaconda Penis, Sorry To Disappoint You

Idris Elba

I don’t know what you were up to yesterday, but the entire internet was debating whether Idris Elba has a giant, anaconda-sized penis or not.  True story.  Photos of the actor surfaced yesterday while he was on-set, nonchalantly wearing suit pants and his pet snake. I gotta admit, for a second there it looked like Jon Hamm‘s penis was yesterday’s news.  Whew, thank goodness Don Draper’s dick can breathe a little easier today!  Idris caught on to the whirlwind surrounding his dong, and took to Twitter to clarify things:

Haaaaa. Can we get that hashtag trending, please and thanks? Maybe Sinead O’Connor should speak to the sexualization of middle-aged, sexy Hollywood actors instead of notorious Turd Ferguson Justin Bieber.  Just a thought.

I think I speak for all penises when I say boy oh boy am I glad that’s a mic wire. Can you imagine the typical “aging Hollywood” angst Michael Fassbender‘s penis is going through these days, when penis whisperers worldwide are all “Pssh, Shame was like, soooo 2012″? With Jon Hamm’s jack hammer and Justin Theroux‘s wedding tackle getting all the headlines lately, there aren’t a lot of roles available for penises who haven’t garnered attention in awhile.  Before you know it, Fassbender’s crotch will be resigned to the “D.U.F.F.” and “mom” roles, while Idris Elba’s mic wire will get cast in the latest Tarantino.  Sad but true.

(Photo: WENN)

You can reach this post's author, Cassandra Hough, on twitter.
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  • rockmonster

    Why? Just….why? Is Twitter’s average IQ nine? How could that be possible? There wouldn’t be enough blood in Mr. Elba’s body for that. Just someone please explain.

    • Cassandra Hough

      Ha! Good point. It’s practically the size of a forearm. His heart would tire out quickly I’m sure.

  • J_Doe5686

    At least we still have the Hammaconda!

    • Cassandra Hough

      1000 points to Gryffindor. So mad I didn’t come up with that!

  • Laarks

    IN THE PANTS could be anything. Take a look at Fassbender’s snake in the movie Shame. No pants, no tricks, just the ‘thing’. Theroux and Hamm are just wannabes…

    • enté

      Agreed, Fassy is the real deal. And anybody, who has big irl, try to control or manage them. And most of the man, who has normal or small size, let them free – and this is why you can pick up on its size. Srsly no one has any boyfriends ever, who has a big thing between his legs at crushable?