Here’s a thing that we here at Crushable have noticed: there’s no such thing as a dad in the world of reality TV (with the exception of dear, dear Sugar Bear on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo). They simply do not exist in important roles whatsoever. Another thing is that the moms who are almost always featured in large roles are out of their freaking minds. But the special thing is that they’re not all the same brand of crazy, which keeps things spicy and interesting, like a good buffalo wing.
So without further ado, here is the extreme guide to the extreme reality TV mom personalities available for your viewing pleasure. And please, feel free (what’s even freer than free? Something ‘Murican, probably) to add any that I’ve missed. We’re all in this circus together.
1. The Oblivious Mom
As seen on: All installations of The Real Housewives
Every mother who stars on The Real Housewives spends exponentially more time navigating their clique drama than parenting. It’s actually incredible how easily you can forget that you have kids, once you ignore them totally and completely.
2. The Vicariously-Living Mom
As seen on: Dance Moms
They try so hard to please Abby Lee Miller so that their kid can be front and center each week that it makes me And then, when they are inevitably stuck in the back somewhere because not everyone can be Maddie, I am positive that it hurts the moms’ souls more than the kids’. Positive.
3. The ~Cool~ Mom
As seen on: Seriously Cyrus
Fun fact: the Cyrus family starred on an internet reality show together, despite that not being a thing. And, as such, Tish is the designated “I’d would rather you smoke pot with me than with strangers” mom.
4. The Momager
As seen on: Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Dance Moms, Toddlers and Tiaras
Oh, Kris Jenner. I am torn between admiring your business savvy and being concerned by your parenting skills. But, I’ve been doing okay managing both opinions thus far, so I’ll just continue with that. And then there is Kim Kardashian, who I’m pretty sure regrets ever getting pregnant. At least Kourtney seems like a decent mom, given the circumstances.
5. The Very Excited Mom
As seen on: Any singing competition, occassionally Toddlers and Tiaras
I’ll bet you didn’t realize that moms had such a big role on singing competitions. But, when their kid goes up for their audition, it is the mom’s duty to express all of the following emotions at once the entire time she’s on-camera: nervousness, inhuman levels of excitement, and overflowing pride.
6. The Drug-Dealing Mom
As seen on: Toddlers and Tiaras
They may not be dealing illegal drugs, but if you don’t consider doling out 17 Pixie Sticks and a bottle of Sprite to their small children before every competition some form of dealing, then I don’t even know what to say to you.
7. The Understanding Mom
As seen on: Sister Wives
The moms on this show know that they agreed to share their husband with 3 other women, and they’re okay with that. They hate it with a burning passion on most days. But you know, in general, they’re okay with it.
8. The “WTF Do I Do?” Mom
As seen on: Teen Mom
There are actually two types of moms featured on most Teen Mom seasons: the new mom, who may or may not still have braces, and the new grandmom, who is just so sick of everyone’s shit. And neither of them have any idea what to do about this tiny poop machine that is now a part of their lives.
9. The Traumatized Mom
As seen on: Wife Swap
I have yet to figure out why a person would willingly sign up to be on a show whose basic premise is that they send women to homes that they know they’ll hate. But people keep doing it! Scarring themselves and their family, who has to live with a crazy person for a week, is a small price to pay for… actually, I’m not sure they get anything in return.
10. The Incredible Mom
As seen on: 19 Kids & Counting
As in, the formal definition of “incredible”. Like, I cannot believe that either Michelle Duggar or her family is real and I actually never will believe it.