• Tue, Aug 5 - 3:45 pm ET

Your Guide To Understanding The Beyonce And Jay-Z Divorce…Rumors

Beyonce Jay-Z smoking cigars laughing

Beyonce and Jay-Z divorce rumors are running rampant. Absolutely fucking rampant. Every time I turn around, there’s another one whizzing by and giving me whiplash. Honestly now, it’s getting harder to keep track of them than Beyonce’s deflating pregnancy belly. (Insert your zing here.) While my sources, insiders and mutual friends are still working on getting the truth as to whether or not this divorce is really happening, I thought I could walk you through some of the most commonly asked questions going through your head right now. Because if you’re anything like me, these rumors are taking over your life and preventing you from being able to discuss anything else. Not that anything else really matters during a time like this.

Why would two such magnificent human beings get divorced?

Because God is on vacation and Satan’s in charge of his relationship inbox. Seriously, try sending God a prayer right now. Do it, right now. You’ll get an out-of-office reply that says something along the lines of “I’m out through Labor Day, please get in touch with Satan for any life altering relationship needs. Unless you’re Miranda Kerr. In that case, really? Him?”

C’mon, I’m asking seriously, tell me, please?

If we learned anything from the tragic Poehler-Arnett Divorce of 2012, it’s that nothing good lasts forever. The more magical the marriage, the more likely it is to blow up in all our faces. So never fall in love with a couple in love. Ever. It will destroy you from the inside out. You think a personal break-up is bad, wait until a couple you counted on to survive forever breaks up and you’re expected to show up for work the next day like your world isn’t shattered into a hundred thousand tiny pieces.

How did all of these rumors start? Like, why now? When they’re on such a groundbreaking tour together?

Um, I don’t know. I guess I would say that  it never bodes well for any relationship when the husband gets attacked by the sister-in-law in an elevator after an awards show. It’s just one of those awkward things where everyone involved pretends to get over it for the sake of saving face, but really, right under the surface, thinks about it every single waking moment. You know, one of those moments that gets chalked up to a funny family story that isn’t really funny at all when you retell it years later. Then again, maybe Blue Ivy will giggle uproariously when Auntie Solange tells the tale about the time a video got leaked to the press of her trying to murder Papa Jay-Z. Maybe!

Did Jay-Z really cheat on THE Beyonce?

Rita Ora certainly doesn’t mind you thinking that.

Tell me, is Beyonce actually apartment hunting?

As if an apartment can contain Yonce. Call me when there are rumors that she’s looking to sublet Manhattan.

Is this divorce my fault?

Yes. Completely. This divorce is 100% on you. GOOD WORK MURDERER OF LOVE. May you spend the rest of your life laying awake and reflecting on the fact that you ruined everything that is good about this world. Go straight to jail, do not pass go. You know what, you don’t even get to go to jail. Jail is too good for you.

Will Bey and Jay both still be co-presidents of the Illuminati if they get divorced?

This is where everything gets tricky. I can’t say anymore that that, just know that it will be up for a vote. And that the Pope has a say. As does Jaden Smith and Salem from Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. For obvious reasons. 

Where will Blue Ivy live if they’re no longer together?

With the woman who carried her in her womb for nine months. What’s that? You want me to name that woman? Nooo, yooooooou name the woman. Okay, fine,on the count of three, let’s both name her at the same time

1…

…2

3…

We both said the same thing, right? I thought so!

If I wanted to hypothetically send a condolence basket, which address would be best? I mean, I have all their addresses on file, but which one would be best?

The house with the golden teleportation machine at the bottom of the hidden giraffe pen.

Is there a chance that they’ll decide not to get divorced just to make the media look stupid for all their stupid speculation? Like, ten years from now they’ll do an interview and mock how everyone freaked out over their fauxvorce, and we’ll all sit here like idiots for ever thinking they would split up?

Yes.

Is love officially dead?

More dead than Voldemort after the last horcrux was killed.

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