You guys probably don’t know this about me, but I kinda have a thing for dream casting. If Mean Girls were ever remade with guys as The Plastics, I’ve already got Hollywood covered on their casting decisions. Seriously, could there be a better male Gretchen Weiners than Zefron? And who better to play a sexy werewolf in the next terrible movie about werewolves than Chris Pratt? I’ve been making dream casts long before I got paid for it, so now I get to share my dreams, hopes, and wishes with the world.
But there’s one group of people that I have not yet shared my dream cast for, and that is Greek gods and goddesses. Hercules just came out in theaters, and Dwayne The Rock Johnson is a pretty solid choice for that mythical hero. I mean, the dude is jacked beyond belief. If it were up to me, the rest of these celebrities would be hanging out on Mount Olympus, sucking on ambrosia and setting various tasks to Hercules to prove himself.
1. Zeus – Jack Nicholson
Zeus is the all powerful god of the skies, and is a straight up pimp. Do you know how many children Zeus fathered with women/goddesses that were not his wife? So many that he lost count. Do you know how many women have become Jack Nicholson conquests in the past fifty years? Apparently over 2,000. Remember how he creepily tried to pick up Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars last year? Total Zeus douche move.
2. Hera – Beyonce
There are two sides to Hera, partner of Zeus: the loving wife, symbol of womanhood and marriage, and the jealous lover, messing with the women who shared her husband’s bed. Would you ever dare to cross Beyonce and think you wouldn’t be facing some fiery retribution? No way. Who run the world? Well, Zeus, mostly. Who run Zeus? BEYONCE.
3. Poseidon – Idris Elba
This man has played a Norse god, so I think it’s time he stepped up to play with the Greeks this time. Could you see Idris riding the crest of a wave, brandishing a trident and shaking the earth while fighting with his brother Zeus? I sure can. I can see it mostly because I don’t think it’s ever necessary for Idris Elba to ever wear a shirt.
4. Athena – Tilda Swinton
Tilda Swinton, the goddess of wisdom and war, was birthed out of Zeus’ forehead as a fully grown woman, albeit an extremely androgynous one. We would all follow her into battle, mostly because once she started speaking, it would be hard to look away.
5. Hades – Alec Baldwin
Hell hath no fury like Alec Baldwin angrily ranting on Twitter, Alec Baldwin being disorderly with a bike, Alec Baldwin punching a paparazzo, Alec Baldwin blaming the gays for things the gays didn’t do….basically, Alec Baldwin is the devil.
6. Aphrodite – Sofia Vergara
Aphrodite is the most beautiful goddess of love, beauty, and sexual desire. Sometimes Sofia Vergara’s body literally tries to escape her clothes just to remind you that she is a sexy goddess that was born to rule. Aphrodite was known for her affairs with mortal men, so I bet Joe Manganiello is feeling pretty lucky right now.
7. Dionysus – James Franco
Who do you think would throw the raddest parties in Hollywood, all while talking about the ridiculous amounts of artsy fartsy things he’s doing like teaching a class, taking weird Instagrams of himself, writing bad poetry, or turning all of Faulkner’s novels into movies? That’s right, it’s James Franco. Sign James up to play the god of wine and patron of the arts. All of the arts. Like literally every damn art on earth and Mount Olympus.
8. Hermes – Dylan O’ Brien
He’s precocious and adorable, with an acting career that is sure to take off once he leaves the MTV show Teen Wolf that helped make him a rising star. He’s got the face of a cherub and the mischievous spirit of trickster and as a messenger to the underworld, he would probably make those destined to burn for all of eternity chuckle at a few jokes on the way down.
9. Artemis – Lupita Nyong’o
Don’t let Lupita’s fear of snakes fool you, she was just pretending to be a mere mortal in order to not let on that she’s the perfect goddess of the wilderness, the hunt, and wild animals. If you can’t imagine Lupita Nyong’o as a dangerous huntress and protecting young mothers in childbirth, may a lesser god have mercy on your soul.