I saw Lucy a couple days ago, and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT IS SO BAD. It’s easily in the top ten worst movies I’ve ever seen, and probably even top five. I won’t bother telling you when it comes out because it is everywhere and you can see it any time you like. (You’ll understand this joke after you see the movie. It’s out tomorrow, July 25th.)
You’ve probably heard of Lucy. It’s the movie Limitless, except instead of Bradley Cooper, it stars Scarlett Johansson. Normal human is exposed to extremely potent drug that unlocks previously-unaccessed portions of her human mind. Instead of operating on the 10% capacity that the rest of us mindless droids are stuck with, Lucy is able to utilize a full 100% of her mindcaves. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES???!?!?
There are many, but the ones realized by this movie are hilariously awful, and here are the most ridiculous of them. Note — these will contain spoilers, because this movie is so terrible that it honestly doesn’t matter. But if you want to go into it fresh, get on out of here, you hoodlum:
- When you get above a certain percentage of brain power, you become able to do magic like some kind of witch. You can make men fly into the air or give flight attendants bloody noses or diagnose your roommates imminent kidney failure by looking through your body.
- A good way to transport drugs is to pick random strangers and stow them in their bellies, ala a narcotic-themed Real World.
- At no point will they decide what nationality they want these Asian men to be. They start out Chinese, then alternate speaking Japanese and Mandarin, which Lucy incorrectly identifies as Korean.
- Being smart also makes you sullen, bored, and murderous, and it sets in right away. You become entitled to murder people simply for being not as smart as you or not speaking English, although you never lift a finger against Morgan Freeman for speaking more slowly than any human should be able to.
- At one point Lucy calls her mom out of the blue and tells her that she remembers what her breast milk tastes like. Her mom is fine with this, and tells her to sleep well and call again soon.
- When you fly on a plane, there is a small possibility that you will begin to collapse into fragments of tiny dust while in your seat. As long as you do this in the privacy of the airplane bathroom (with the bonus of having your eyeball fall out of your face!), you shouldn’t be too bothered by the flight attendants.
- It is acceptable to bring the French chief of police along with you on a caper simply because he reminds you of being human. He will also allow you to kiss him full on the mouth OUT OF NOWHERE, having just seen you murder multiple humans in front of him and never express an iota of interest before.
- He will also call all his police friends to come protect you at a library because ‘you need to stay focused’. Bitch you are the smartest person on the planet, and you can’t make their guns magnets or explode their brains or freeze them in air like you did earlier? People really have to die for you? Architecture has to get shot up for you??
- Lucy’s French boyfriend is shot in the neck and watches pretty much all his friends die at the hands of these Asian gangsters, just because he got involved with Lucy. He is very genial, though, and doesn’t seem too bothered.
- Lucy isn’t bothered either, because she’s busy turning herself into a tar tree that oozes all over the office. Everyone is like WTF is she making??? except for a v. calm Morgan Freeman, who goes, “A next-generation computer, I presume.” I PRESUME??? She’s a goo-monster who’s eating all of our equipment, can you tell her to fucking cool it?
- Dinosaurs used to live in Times Square, and at one point during her goo-ing, Lucy wants to sit in an office chair and look at them for a little. She also wants to touch fingers with the original Lucy, the first human. It’s just like when God touches Adam’s hand on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and it’s very heavy-handed.
- After you reach 100% brain capacity and disappear (leaving your dress on the office chair!!!!), your spirit retains the ability to text your French police chief boyfriend’s phone such chestnuts as ‘I AM EVERYWHERE’, and, one would hope, ‘U UP?’
- As we fade to black, we receive an admonishment from Lucy, telling us she hopes now we’ve figured out what to use our brains for. Um for magic and murder? Get out of here, you crazy witch.
And so so so so so much more. I want to tell you not to watch it, but I also don’t want to be alone in this knowledge anymore, so make your own choices.