Julianne Hough turned twenty-six years old yesterday, and I have reason to believe she didn’t have a single friend at her party. Acquaintances yes, employees, probably, and maybe even a frenemy or two, but I’m betting no friends. Why? Because if she had friends, they wouldn’t have let her walk into a Halloween party last year in full black face.
See, that’s the thing about friends — they won’t bullshit you. If you have spinach in your teeth or you need to stop whining or you should not be wearing those pants, your friends will let you know. They’re cool like that. But if everyone around you is receiving a paycheck or mooching off that sweet sweet Dancing With The Stars money, they have pretty much zero incentive to be honest with you. Especially when being honest with you entails saying, ‘YO GIRL YOUR FACE IS RACIST.’
But nobody did that for Julianne, so she waltzed out the door and into the news, proving once and for all that she (and these other celebrities) have no friends. Or bad friends. Or didn’t call their friends before they did these really dumb things that made them look very stupid.
1. Julianne Hough
(Photo: Devone Byrd / PacificCoastNews)
Really? Really guys? This was a group costume, and not one of you thought to maybe let Julianne go as Piper since she’s apparently so blissfully ignorant of the history of minstrelsy?
2. Ashton Kutcher
Hey friends of Ashton Kutcher! Get in here! See, no one came, because they don’t exist. Otherwise, when he asked them if he should play the role of Steve Jobs in a movie (read: act), one of them would have smacked him upside the head and steered him gently back toward rom coms.
3. Kate Gosselin
(Photo: David Livingston / Getty Images Entertainment)
Kate Gosselin was allowed to walk around the world for GOD KNOWS HOW LONG with that skunky, spiky monstrosity on the back of her head like a Voldemort, and nobody stopped her. That alone is enough to justify divorcing her husband.
4. Kim Kardashian
Oh girl. This is why you don’t surround yourself with Kanye West and designers during your pregnancy, because no one will be willing to smack you upside the head and be like “Hi hello pregnant lady, are you comfortable? Because they can hear your feet crying from space.”
5. Jim Carrey
One night Jim Carrey woke up from a fever dream and announced “I think I’ll declare my love for Emma Stone today! And I’ll videotape it so that it always exists forever more! And then I’ll give it to the internet to have!” and no one told him not to, because his friends and family were all outside gazing at the Perseids.
6. Prince Harry
(Photo: Daniel Deme / WENN.com)
You know what costume a high-ranking member of the British Royal Family shouldn’t wear to a costume party? Probably any costume, but especially not a Nazi costume. Your friends must really hate you.
8. Paula Deen
(Photo: Mr. Blue / WENN.com)
“Okay Paula, yes, let’s go over your deposition one more time. When they ask you if you’ve ever used a racial slur before, what do you say? That’s right, you say ‘yes, of course‘, and you smile really big — no, bigger. Show all your teeth at the same time! That’s right.”
9. Tom Cruise
If that’s how excited Tom got to talk about his fledgling relationship with Katie Holmes, you know it’s because not a single other person in his life had ever asked him about it. Before you get yourself to the point where Oprah is holding your struggling body at arm’s length away from herself, maybe go through your address book and see if anybody wants to grab a drink and a gab. Get some of those couch-jumping jollies out before you’re on national television, you human husky.
(Photo: Optic Photos / PacificCoastNews)
“This is a cool outfit for a fifty-something mom to wear onstage, yes?” (This is the moment when someone — anyone — should have said, “Well Madonna, it’s very likely that your children will one day learn to Google, so perhaps we slip a tasteful skirt or a bustier over your bra and panties?” But no one did.)
11. Carly Rae Jepsen
I have to assume that one day last year, Carly texted everyone she knew, “hey im good at sports rite? they want me to throw a ball at sumthing lol should i say yes??” If only even one of her friends had written back, “no gurl u always do that thing when you throw it strate down r u kidding me?” But sadly all Carly’s friends were out standing in line for cronuts and talking about how different her bangs looked since she got famous, so she went ahead with it on her own recognizance, with amazingly terrible results.
12. Justin Bieber
(Photo: Kevin Winter / Getty Images Entertainment)
I mean, where to even begin? With the bucket hats? The diaper pants? The fact that his entire body is covered in tattoos? Bottom line — friends don’t let friends take shirtless selfies.
13. Katy Perry
The next time you’re about to make a collaborative music video with someone you’ve broken up with several times who you CLEARLY like more than he likes you, come to me Katy! I don’t mind being a friend, and I could’ve helped you, but now this video of you mooning all over John Mayer is forever on the internet and you’re already on to dating the next d-bag. Is there no one in your life who can stop this madness??
14. Manti Te’o
(Photo: Jeff Gross / Getty Images Sport)
“My girlfriend and I talk every night but we’ve never met and she has a voice like a man and one time I flew to Hawaii to see her but there was a miscommunication and we never got to hang out and now she’s dead. Any of that sound fishy to you?” And Manti’s friend saw him looking at him, took his headphones out and was like, “What? Huh? I’m sure it’s fine.”