I’m going to need you to sit down right now, because I’m about to ask you what is perhaps the most important question you will ever answer in your entire life. Okay, here goes. If a fairy godmother showed up right now and told you that you could choose to have Kristen Bell be your mom or your best friend, which would you choose? I know, I know. It’s a lot to take in. I’ll give you some time to think about it while I explain further.
We can all agree that Kristen Bell’s pretty great, right? If you don’t agree, and you just clicked on this post so you could comment “Neither,” then you better stop wasting time reading my words and start typing. But if you do agree that’s she’s great, you might also agree that she’d be an awesome person to hang out with. But in what capacity? She’s been dream BFF material since her Veronica Mars days, but ever since she had her daughter Lincoln and started talking about her approach to parenting, I’ve found myself occasionally wishing I could turn myself back into a baby and be raised by her. Before you blurt out your answer, I’ll list some of the advantages on both sides and give you my opinion.
And guys, we really need to decide this before her birthday tomorrow so we know whether to put “Happy Birthday Mom” or “Happy Birthday Friend” on the cake.
Pros to Having Kristen Bell as Your Mom
- She’ll defend you like a badass against the paparazzi.
- She’ll wait until you’re old enough to decide for yourself if you want to be famous.
- You’ll be able to tell your friends that your mom is a real-life Disney princess.
- She can sing you lullabies in that lovely voice of hers.
- Dax Shepard would be your dad.
- She wouldn’t resent you for changing her body by existing in her womb for nine months.
- You’d get to have a really cute name, probably after a president.
- If you’re her biological child in this scenario, you’d get some pretty gorgeous genes.
- You might get to steal stuff from the award show gift bags she brings home. (Not gonna lie, this is the most important thing on the list for me.)
Pros to Having Kristen Bell as Your BFF
- You’ll laugh your ass off every day.
- Your sarcasm won’t go over her head.
- It’s super easy to figure out what to get her for her birthday — a sloth.
- You’ll impress everyone on karaoke duets because you can just let her sing both parts.
- She’ll be supportive of you and your human rights no matter what your sexual orientation.
- She’ll stand up for you for that very reason.
- She has rescue dogs you can play with.
- You can maybe possibly, if-she-wants be a plus one at fun events when Dax isn’t available.
- The gift bag thing, again.
Final Verdict: Although both would undoubtedly be wonderful experiences, I have to go with BFF for this one. Mostly because I already have a mom who’s pretty awesome. And also because I’m a grown woman (debatable) who would prefer not to be turned back into a baby for the time being. But maybe in some future reincarnation-possible, time-travel-capable alternate universe it could happen for me. Quick, somebody write me that fan fiction.
And now I open the floor to you fine people.