Despite the fact that women across America are burning their uterus in protests, Eva Mendes is still, allegedly, pregnant with Ryan Gosling’s baby. Which is a shame, because we all know if he wasn’t with Eva, he would be with us. All of us. That’s always what Ryan Gosling said, “I’m either going to procreate with a beautiful celebrity or with the 99.9% of American women who don’t fall into that category. I’m an either/or kind of man. Now, who wants to see me naked?”
While the couple still hasn’t publicly confirmed the pregnancy rumors, People reports that they’re super jazzed about this baby. How does People know this. Well a source told them, duh! Who is the source? You and your pestering questions! Obviously, with a statement this bold and this out there, the source could not go on the record. What kind of person wants to be associated with telling the world that his friends are excited for their baby. A monster, that’s who!
“They literally could not be more excited,” says the source. “She’s feeling great.”
After reading this quote, you no doubt see why this person needed to remain nameless at all costs. You also no doubt feel your chances of ever having sex with Ryan Gosling slipping away. After all, if he actually wants this baby, he’s probably going to commit to it pretty hard. For at least, like, 18 or so years. And that definitely lessens the chances of him one day saving you from a speeding taxi, looking into your eyes, falling in love, whisking you away to a tropical island and dramatically taking off his shirt several times a day.
Could life be more unfair? Then again, think about how awkward it will be for the Gosling baby when it realizes that its dad is hawt. Like real hawt. That’s something that us normals will never have to worry about.