Some celebrities seem tailor made to play a mythical creature on screen. Once you’ve seen Alexander Skarsgard play True Blood‘s Eric Northman, is there any turning back?
My vote is ‘no’, since that tall, lithe physique and glass-cutting cheekbones could only be the body of a blood sucking sex demon. Tyler Hoechlin will always be a surly werewolf on MTV and I’ll always fondly remember that time James McAvoy donned some hooves to play Mr. Tumnus in The Chronicles of Narnia. Similarly, there are a lot of other Hollywood types that I think are long overdue to play something mythological that goes bump in the night.
Brace yourselves. After reading this post, I assume most of you will start petitions to get Jared Leto to play a merman in the new live action Little Mermaid movie that’s planned. I can’t promise you results, but I can pledge my unwavering landlubber support.
1. Benedict Cumberbatch – Vampire
Benedict Cumberbatch has a voice that’s a cross between melting butter and a purring jaguar, and I can easily imagine his teeth on my neck, vampire or not. But let’s talk vampire for a second. He’s English, so being pale comes pretty naturally to him. He wears a suit like he was born to do it and is tall enough to cast a long shadow on the wall as he’s slithering around metropolitan cities, casually searching for his next victim to seduce. Plus, calling him Count Benedict Cumberbatch just fits the bill, doesn’t it? Now close your eyes, tilt your neck to the side, and give into his every whim. Or try to resist his charms if you’re not a Cumberbitch. It’s totally up to you, I guess.
2. Justin Bieber – Satyr
Let’s give a little background on the Satyr, shall we? When I Google “Satyr” (and Google is the authority on everything) this is the definition we get:
- one of a class of lustful, drunken woodland gods. In Greek art they were represented as a man with a horse’s ears and tail.
- a man who has strong sexual desires.
I am here today to tell you that Justin Bieber could absolutely be a lustful, drunken woodland god with strong sexual desires. A creature that has a horse’s ears and tail could definitely be a giant horse’s ass. Remember those lovely encounters with a few ladies of the night back in Brazil? You just can’t keep a little Satyr down when he gets those lustful desires pulling at his heart strings, purse strings, and the strings of Bieber’s weird baggy pants. I would also assume they’re a bit mischievous, perhaps into vandalizing people’s homes with eggs? Hmmmm?
3. Taylor Swift – Siren
Don’t worry, I’m not going to slut-shame TayTay for the seemingly long laundry list of men she’s been through in her career. You do you, Blondie. With that being said, I do think I have grounds to cast her as a siren. According to the best internet source in the world (Wikipedia), a siren “lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island.”
Guys…this is Taylor Swift. She has a pretty voice, pretty face, she sings about love and empowerment and all that good stuff and a famous guy sees her and then this probably goes through his mind: 1) She’s pretty 2) I bet that I could love her like those other men can’t 3) Wait, this isn’t working out how I expected 4) ABORT MISSION. I CAN SEE THE ROCKS. WE’RE GONNA CRASH!
4. Chris Pratt – Werewolf
This future Guardian of the Galaxy needs to play a werewolf because he is all about the transformation. Do you remember chubby Parks and Recreation Chris Pratt? Ah, I remember him well. He looked like someone who would give the best bear hug you’ve ever had, bake you a pie, and then snuggle in bed while blowing raspberries on your tummy. And then suddenly, as if bitten, he became SUPER PRATT. Marvel took a funny cutie with a little extra ’round the middle and turned him into a lean, mean sexy man machine. And the best part is, HE’S STILL FUNNY. Bless his hilarious new abs. Trans-for-ma-tion. Damn boy, I’d let you bite me on any moon, it doesn’t even have to be full.
5. Michelle Rodriguez – Witch
I mean, how else would you explain her sudden mouth kissing relationship with Zac Efron? SORCERY. I can see her now, standing over a cauldron and brewing a magic potion…”Dark powers, send me a man who never wears a shirt and is shopping around for a
beard girlfriend. May he somehow be prettier than Cara Delevingne.” And then poof, the relationship existed. Just like that.
6. Jared Leto – Merman
There are only two things you truly need to possess to be a mermaid or merman. 1) Have a beautiful singing voice and 2) Have gorgeous, flowing hair. That’s it. And we’re talking the pretty kinds of fishtailed people, not the scary ones that typical mythology/Harry Potter wants you to believe in. Why? Because this is my article and I say so. Jared Leto needs to be a Merman. Can’t you see him swimming around with a best friend Orca or something? You’re walking along the shore one day and you see Jared crest a rock at sea, flapping his tail in the sun and singing you sweet ah-ahhhh-ahhhhssss.
7. Samuel L. Jackson – Wizard
Picture this scene if you will. There’s something very important that you need. You live in a world where magic exists, but just barely, merely in shadows and whispers. You hear tell of a great and wise wizard, a wizard that can help grant you thing that you seek. You enter a darkened chamber after weeks of searching, and you see…Samuel L. Jackson, sitting on his wizard throne, looking impossibly cool, probably smoking a cigar. Do you stay knowing he’ll be too cool to handle and probably say something sassy, or do you turn away and put your fate in the hands of a lesser man? If you know what’s good for you, I recommend you stay, I promise the quotes you get out of it will be worth it.
8. Shailene Woodley – Wood Nymph (Dryad)
The role of a lovely little wood sprite could’ve easily gone to Elle Fanning, with her ethereal princess dresses and pale, happy face, but it cannot. It can never be Elle, as long as Shailene exists. She may be confused about feminism, but she has said that she can exist in both the Hollywood world and also with hairy armpits dancing in the middle of a forest, which to be is basically an admission that she is in fact already a spirit of the forest. She also enjoys eating clay. And as if you needed further proof, her last name is WOODLEY. We’re onto you, Shailene.
9. The Kardashians – Hydra
A multi-headed beast that can’t be stopped? We all know the answer to this one. And if you cut off one head, three more matriarch overlord Kris Jenner heads pop out, so I’d keep the sharp blades away if I were you.
You can reach this post’s author, Alana Milich, on twitter.