Jessica Simpson finally married Eric Johnson this past Saturday after having fifteen children with him out of wedlock. Wait, what’s that? They only have two? How is that possible when she so clearly doesn’t know what birth control is? Anyway, Jessica and her two-time baby daddy are finally husband and wife, which means they can finally relax and let the pregnancies continue. Before her womb switches from vacant to occupied, however, Jessica was sure to take advantage of her baby-bump-less figure and rock a gorgeous wedding gown, which she’s showing off on the cover of People magazine.
To see all 27 exclusive photos of the big day, you’ll have to check out the actual issue when it hits newsstands on Friday, but until then we get a nice little peek of the official wedding look. Those are quite a few sparkles. Somebody spent a lot of time slaving over a Bedazzler to get those sparkles to look just right. I wonder if they took advantage of the TV offer and got it for $19.99. Wait a second, I’m now being told that it was in fact a Carolina Herrera gown, and it was actually “embroidered in gold,” so a cheap rhinestone applicator was not used to make it. What a shame.
In all seriousness, though, Jessica looks lovely, and I’m sure when we get a full glimpse of the dress it’ll take our breaths away. But I want to move on to the juicy details. What scandals happened at the ceremony? Who got drunk at the reception? Well, if you believe In Touch, the drunk people were actually Jessica and Eric. And they weren’t drunk so much as hungover. Jessica apparently complained about a headache while she was getting ready. Dream come true, I’m sure. In Touch also claims that Jessica’s mom was “hurt” that Joe Simpson supposedly brought his rumored model boyfriend Jonathan Keith as a guest. What a fairy tale.
Jessica and Eric don’t mention either of those things in their People article, of course. They focus more on the fact that their kids Maxwell and Ace — flower girl and ring bearer, respectively — got a standing ovation from the guests. Of course they did. Have you seen them? They’re illegally cute. Jessica also said, “This has been something we’ve wanted ever since we met.” She forgot to add, “But I kept getting pregnant so we had to wait.”