I don’t know if you know this, but there are these sections on IMDb movie profiles called “Parents Guides” that describe specific parts of the movie in detail that parents might not want their kids to see. It makes sense, since parents obviously want to be sure there’s nothing inappropriate or frightening in a movie their kids want to see. But that doesn’t make them any less hilarious to read. Seriously guys, go look up a movie and prepare to giggle for the rest of the day.
There are a few reasons the guides end up being hilarious. First of all, they’re often written by users who seem to think they’ll be eligible for a Pulitzer. Such detail, such imagery, such poetic language. On top of all that, they’re extremely detailed, and even the most innocent moments are pointed out just in case someone finds them offensive. The guides for kids’ movies are sometimes even more entertaining, because the warnings become so nit-picky and the most absurd situations are described with such seriousness. That’s why we picked ten popular kids’ movies and quoted the funniest parental warnings for your reading pleasure. Look out for those emotionally powerful moments. They’ll scar your children for life.
“Olaf gets impaled by an icicle but no blood is shown and he said, ‘Oh, look at that. I’ve been impaled.’ But in a comic way!”
It’s okay, because he says it to be funny, not because he’s bleeding internally or anything. Because he can’t do that. Because he’s a snowman.
“Hot glogg is mentioned in the scene where Hans is handing out cloaks.”
Yes, the mention of a Swedish mulled wine that lots of adults in the audience probably wouldn’t be able to identify could just be too much for a child. They might ask for it at the supermarket, and then what is a parent to do?
“In addition to the violence listed above, these things might upset young children: The tension between Anna and Elsa, their parents’ funeral, the idea that Arendelle might be in an endless winter, Olaf facing melting, Elsa’s ice powers, and Elsa’s fears that she’ll turn into a monster. Additionally, the film’s middle is very emotional.”
There’s tension and emotion. Parents who prefer their children to watch movies about emotionless robots might want to avoid this one.
“A girl is talking to a boy in a bedroom and said she will show him something she had never shown to anybody before. She tells the boy not to tell anyone about it. Afterwards, she has shown her ‘adventure book.’ Nothing sexual at all.”
So it’s a joke that will probably go over every kid’s head in the theater and turns out to be “nothing sexual at all”… and yet you might not want your kids to hear it.
“Wine is poured but not consumed.”
Well as long as it just sits there on the table, I suppose that’s acceptable.
“A scene where a main character is looking through a scrap-book may be very emotional to some. The ending is also intensely emotional. There have been several accounts of people of all ages crying multiple times during this movie.”
This warning is written in the same tone as one would write about audience members vomiting or suffering seizures. And it’s actually quite fitting, because this film broke me.
“1 use of bitch by a motherly character. 3 use of bloody hell, 3 use of bloody, 1 use of hell, 1 use of little git.”
You know, I was okay with my kid hearing the word “bitch” going into this, but when you tell me someone motherly says it, I’m starting to reconsider.
“Wine is implied to be drunk by some characters.”
One of the characters shown on screen may or may not have had sex before in their lifetime, although it is not mentioned or depicted. Just so you know.
“Ursula’s breasts often bounce. In one shot, she shakes them and the camera zooms in on them.”
Yeah, how dare that animated character’s body parts do things that actual people’s body parts do in real life!
“Ursula tells Ariel to use body language to attract her man, and dances sensually, by moving her hips. Before, she was using a sensual dance move when a woman moves their shoulders to move her breasts.”
I believe that dance move is called a “shimmy,” but that was an admirably technical description. You should go into the dance-move-defining business.
5. Toy Story
“Woody calls Buzz ‘Mr. Lightbeer’ once used as an alcoholic term. Buzz weirdly gets tipsy at the tea party. ‘I think youve had enough tea for today,’ Woody says, pulling the buzzed Lightyear away.”
Oooh, we’re getting punny here. “Buzzed Lightyear.” I see what you did there. But I do still want someone to explain to me how Buzz gets drunk on tea. Or how a toy gets drunk on anything, period.
“Bo and Woody kiss off-screen, however you can hear smooching sounds. Later Woody comes back with lip marks on his face.”
SMOOCHING SOUNDS! I REPEAT, SMOOCHING SOUNDS! RED ALERT! DEFCON ONE! HIDE YOUR CHILDREN!
“Most of the movie is quite emotional, either from overwhelming happiness, or from sadness.”
So now it might be inappropriate for children to be happy. Where did we go wrong?
Don’t worry, they also mention the scary boat scene, but I didn’t want to traumatize you by making you read a description.
“Some name-calling (Fishface, terrible man, rotten, mean father)”
Just be sure to cover your kid’s ears when the phrase “terrible man” is uttered. Then teach your children to be polite and call bad people dickheads.
“In one scene, a woman whose husband has been kidnapped is shown to be very upset and yells every word she says.”
I was almost okay with my child seeing all the kidnapping and the yelling, but when you told me every word she says is yelled, I just didn’t want to risk it. Just one word at normal volume and I would have been in.
“A child is sucked up a pipe that leads to a boiler. It is later revealed that he will be okay… A child is turned into a giant blueberry. It is later revealed that she will be okay… A child falls through a chute that leads to the furnace. Her father jumps in after her. It is later revealed that they will be okay.”
Thanks for reassuring us, IMDb. But what if we stop the movie before they’re revealed to be okay? What then? My child might think that human blueberry died!
“As people rush and swarm around a Wonka Bar display situated around a dressed mannequin (seen in sped-up motion), they leave the mannequin in just some lingerie (from their furious grabbing at the candy bars, but nothing explicit is seen, and its just a mannequin).”
I like how you can almost hear the person who wrote this going, “Really? You’re going to get worked up over underwear on a mannequin, something that everyone sees at the mall? Do I really need to warn you about this?”
“A large pack of squirrels surround a girl and attack her. Whilst holding her limbs down, they drag her towards a garbage chute. She shouts out for her father and can barely move; she then also scratches the floor as it is the only thing she can do. The squirrels throw her down the chute and later do the same thing to her dad.”
The choice of words that went into this description makes it sound approximately 100 times more menacing than it probably is onscreen. My favorite part is “it is the only thing she can do.” Chilling.
“A man thrusts his hips in a suggestive fashion while dancing by himself.”
Suggestive dancing is okay when someone’s with you, but doing it by yourself is just filthy. Get that away from my children’s eyes.
“A pill-shaped creature hits another pill-shaped creature on the head with a hammer.”
The phrase “pill-shaped creature” is used multiple times in this guide, and at no point does the writer change to “minions.” Because pill-shaped creatures are apparently worthy of their own warning. What if a child tries to swallow one?
“A young girl throws a roll of toilet paper and hits a man in the head.”
BUT IS HE OKAY? TELL ME!
I include this one less to laugh at how ridiculous the warnings are and more to remind you that this is a movie you probably watched as a child, and how insane that is to think about once you remember what it contained. I’m pretty sure even six-year-old me felt like this was totally inappropriate viewing material.
“Baby Herman spanks his curvy human female companion on the rear. He later says to Eddie that he is frustrated at having ‘a fifty-year-old lust and a three-year-old dinky.’”
I WATCHED THIS AS A CHILD!
“Eddie pushes Roger down into his trench coat making it appear as though he has a huge erection. Dolores then asks ‘Do you have a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?’”
AS A CHILD!
“Judge Doom’s toon form is pretty disturbing and his high squeaky voice can scary very young children.”
“Pretty disturbing” is the understatement of the century: