• Thu, Jul 3 - 1:54 pm ET

Chris Martin Takes Up Eating Meat Again, Obvi To Spite Gwyneth Paltrow

Chris Martin Nod

Chris Martin has officially ended his time as a vegetarian and has begun eating meat again, surely to make his soon-to-be ex-wifeGwyneth Paltrow, seethe with rage. And also gag a lot, because everyone knows that, when you are used to eating quinoa and rainfall soup for every meal, the mere idea of eating meat could send you straight to Vomville. So, just carry on if you hear faraway screeches of distress anytime soon, because it’s just Gwynnie having a conniption in response to this news.

About his rediscovered dietary proclivities, Chris doesn’t explicitly say that he grins with glee every time he cuts into a steak at the thought of Gwyneth melting like the Wicked Witch of the West. But he doesn’t deny it, either.

“Well, I eat meat. I was vegetarian for quite a long time and for various reasons I changed.”

Various reasons, like that you’d removed your food shackles the second that you finished rolling your eyes at the phrase, “conscious uncoupling”? They say that breakups can get ugly, but even I would have never imagined that a person could sink this low. Meat, Chris?! Gwyneth’s one true kryptonite, right after feeling full after a meal and being told that she is not better than everyone? It’s like he doesn’t even care.

Chris continued, probably through tears of joy, as he thought about how many fewer raw kale leaves he’d have to digest in the future.

“I felt like you should only eat something that you would be able to kill. I don’t know why on earth we’re talking about this. I have got to stop talking or there’ll be some sort of headline. Could you kill a fish? I wouldn’t like it but I probably could, so I’ll eat a fish … or a giraffe.”

Soo.. basically all meat, right? Like, I’ve never eaten a giraffe because that seems like a generally terrible experience. But apparently the option’s still open for Chris, if only to spite Gwyneth as frequently and as badly as he can.

(GIF: Tumblr)

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  • Alana Vincenza

    This is the lowest of low. The great GOOPy Gods will surely smite him.

    • Olivia Wilson

      That’s okay, he’ll ask for a rack of ribs as his last meal, for extra punch.

    • noodlestein

      Deep fried meat, if he wants to be PARTICULARLY spiteful!

  • Ay.

    Why make a link between Chris’ diet decision and Gwyneth. I think that having
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    What is the point of following an enslaving diet where you have to completely stop enjoying delicious, healthy and lawful food?

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  • markmywords

    It is highly arguable that CM eats meat to spite his wife. Most men don’t think that far. I think he just likes it and has missed it during his marriage. Since they split, he has no reason to follow her rules (which says alot about the lacking balance of power in their marriage), so he does what he likes. Even the most intelligent men don’t overthink their actions.

  • MCR

    I admire him for coming up with a nonsensical food theory all his own. Only eating what you could kill is brilliant in its pointlessness, just like eating the eggs of ducks but never chickens, and manages to make an eccentric sounding celebrity fetish out of consuming meat like most people. But I don’t believe he could personally kill a giraffe – that’s the only place his new approach falls flat. I’m pretty sure the giraffe would kick him to death and walk away without a scratch. He should definitely remove giraffe meat from his hypothetical regimen.

  • MatildaBear

    Maybe I’m wrong, but I didn’t think Goopy was a vegetarian… Yeah, she’s gluten and dairy free, and all that stuff, but vegetarian? Doesn’t she do a bunch of stuff with Mario Batali? That dude is definitely not a veggie! I don’t think he was trying to spite her, I think he just changed his beliefs. Completely out of touch with the world? Yes. THAT she is.

  • Naomi Williams

    There’s a much more plausible reason why he’s eating meat: IT TASTES REALLY, REALLY GOOD.