Today is Lindsay Lohan’s 28th birthday. It’s no secret that Lindsay hasn’t exactly had a smooth ride through stardom, between the arrests and the trips to rehab and the sex lists and the Liz & Dick. You might think growing up as a child star is responsible for turning her into such a mess, and that certainly must have contributed to it. But she also happens to have been created by a couple of monsters named Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan.
A lot of us know Dina as the “cool mom” who rides her daughter’s fame, while Michael is the deadbeat dad who expresses concern for his kid when he’s in need of attention. Basically, they’re both the worst, and it’s easy to see why Lindsay turned out like this. Sometimes you really need to see it in their own words, though, which is why we’ve compiled some of Dina and Michael’s worst quotes for your reading horror. Of course, everything out of their mouths is awful, so this is just a sliver of their horribleness.
“She’s a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old.”
Granted, Lindsay has looked pretty rough when she’s at her worst, and it’s one thing for Michael to notice that and go directly to Lindsay to try to help her. But no, instead he does what he usually does and
talks about insults her to the media.
“At that point, it happened so fast that it was, I couldn’t … Cell phones weren’t as inept as they are now so I didn’t really have that.”
This gem came from Dina’s interview with Dr. Phil, in which she appeared to be quite the Drunky Drunkerson, although she denied that. Not sure why she thought “inept” was at all the correct word to use in that sentence, but it just goes to say how few brain cells she possesses.
“Samantha got Lindsay at a very vulnerable time in her life when her mom and dad were going through a divorce. Lindsay started partying and drinking. She didn’t know where to go. And Samantha got her when she was down. Samantha dragged her to her level which is below the barrel.”
Dina and Michael’s most favorite pastime is blaming other people for the way their kids turned out. So obviously Lindsay’s downward spiral had nothing to do with her parents’ behavior before, during or after said divorce, but everything to do with that completely separate person who is not her parents.
“When she went out to Los Angeles when she was 19, I had to let her go and let her live and fall and fail and survive. Without failure, there’s no success. I was there in close proximity, but you can’t make your child no go out and go to a club and not get behind the wheel of a car.”
Aww, Dina, did you go to the Pattie Mallette School of Nonexistent Parenting? What a scholar.
“Do you think my daughters actually would want to have anything to do with Ashley when all she’s trying to do is ride on Lindsay and Ali’s coattails? I don’t think so.”
This was in response to Ashley’s decision to get plastic surgery to look like Lindsay. A ridiculous decision, yes, but probably not something Michael should be criticizing her for in the media. Bonus points for saying “my daughters” as if that doesn’t include Ashley. Bonus bonus points for the hilarious “coattails” comment. Pot, meet kettle.
“She was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer.”
Mischief is just something you grow into in the Lohan household, and by “mischief” Dina must means drug and alcohol. Note the use of the phrase “little buddy.” In case you were worried Dina didn’t view herself as Lindsay’s BFF since birth.
“Lindsay was filming [Just My Luck] in New Orleans and I got a call saying she had overdosed on cocaine … One of her assistants had given her the drug. I was so angry I got a gun from the house and planned to go to New Orleans to kill him. I couldn’t believe what had happened to my daughter. I was just so angry.”
As if Michael’s decision to commit murder weren’t enough, this story gets even better when you learn that on his way to save Lindsay he got into an accident and was arrested for drunk driving, for which he served a year in prison. “Be there in just a sec to kill that guy, Lindsay, just as soon as I do all this other irresponsible stuff!”
“I meet a lot of young girls (I’m starting my own management company). Lindsay’s like, ‘Take on other children.’ Because I want to help them navigate the waters of negativity. I’m a positive person.”
Oh dear God, no one give Dina Lohan their children. There is no worse navigator for the “waters of negativity” than Dina Lohan. She’ll probably get drunk and crash the boat.
“She isn’t doing it because it is a psychological issue. She is doing it because she wants to be a model. If I thought it was an issue, I would definitely say something. Ali and Lindsay live together, and I think Lindsay would say something to her if she thought something was wrong.”
Yes, that’s right. As long as Ali is losing an unhealthy amount of weight to further her career, that’s totally cool. And Lindsay is obviously such a responsible guardian and judge of behavior, so I’m sure she’s kept a good eye on her.
“If Lindsay had a problem, she wouldn’t be coming out with four movies in a year.”
This quote is from 2006, in case you were wondering where all these Lindsay Lohan movies were. But yes, clearly the best judge of whether or not someone has an eating disorder or a drug problem or any other issue is how many movies they’re able to make. That’s really the only way to gauge someone’s well-being, unless you count being there for them and seeing if they’re okay. Ew, gross.
(Photo: Michael Carpenter/WENN.com, Hugh Dillon/WENN.com)