Nothing Can Prepare You For The Horror That Is Justin Bieber’s New Half-Naked Selfie

Justin Bieber shirtless selfie June 2014

Oh dear God. Everyone gather ’round, huddle close, maybe have a shock blanket and/or a vomit bucket on hand. Last night something… happened on Justin Bieber’s Shots account. If you’re unfamiliar with Shots, I think it’s like the Keek version of Instagram. I don’t really know, but that’s not important. What is important is the fact that I will never unsee the photo Justin posted with the caption, “Night.” As you can see above, it’s not good. And I was going into it thinking, thanks to Us Weekly‘s headline declaring it a “naked selfie,” that it would be something far worse. And yet my eyes are still whispering that they’re going to kill me.

I obviously want your eyes to hate you, too. Because misery loves company, and in the words of High School Musical, we’re all in this together. The photo’s not that different from others he’s shared. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him without a shirt more than with one, so that’s nothing new. And goodness knows we’ve seen that pouty mouth and wrinkled forehead in approximately 25,000 other photos. But something about that angle, and the fact that I can’t tell for sure whether he’s wearing pants, deeply disturbs me.

There’s really no other way to say it; it’s a penis’ eye view. And while I’m grateful that said penis is not in the photo, being put in its position as a viewer of the photo is still nightmarish. Someone could probably write an entire book on the subject of Justin Bieber’s penis-perspective photography, analyzing it according to Freudian theories and presenting the results of lab tests showing that people’s brains were physically and permanently changed from seeing such a thing. Goodbye, my friends. I’m off to curl up in a ball and try to will the image of Bieber’s happy trail from my mind.

(Photo: Shots)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Alana Vincenza

      LOL PENIS EYE VIEW. Now I can’t help thinking his penis grew little arms and took this photo for him. Thanks for nothing, Bieber penis with arms.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Someone somewhere just got a really great band name idea.

    • L.M.S.

      He looks like this lesbian I meet once in West Hollywood. She was an asshole as well.

    • Nbl


    • Guest

      Welp….the time has come….

    • M_G


      • Jill O’Rourke


    • fantasymother

      I mean… I mean…

      THIS is how his penis feels, all the time!

      It looks up and there, at the very end, are the eyes of its one true love – gazing with adoration at its little self. If his penis could get up and walk away it would be on the prowl for someone who looked even remotely like an adult.

      Alas, it’s stuck on a child. I’m certain it believes life would be better dragged on the ground beneath a Basset Hound.

      I think a moment of silence should be shared for the cruel fate of the Biebernis.

    • Napoleon

      Bieber’s on a mission to blind us all.

    • Alexis

      Y’all need to just stop.

    • Joseph

      I want his dick