• Sat, Jun 28 - 3:00 pm ET

Dakota Johnson’s Parents Won’t Be Watching Fifty Shades Of Grey Because Oh My God, Gross

There’s a reason parents stop giving their kids baths past a certain age, and since I’m almost positive most cultures practice lone-bathing through adulthood, it should go without saying that you don’t want your parents to see you naked when you’re an adult. And also that your parents definitely don’t want to see you naked, either.  Therefore they definitely don’t want to see you getting a tampon ripped out of your vagina while a hot British guy faux-bangs you (I kindly request that you blame E.L. James for that visual, not me). Right? Right.  So it should come as no surprise that Don Johnson has zero percent interest in watching his daughter, Dakota Johnson, get it on with Jamie Dornan in Fifty Shades of Grey.

“This is the family business. This is what we do, and I am absolutely certain that Dakota will take a piece of material and a character which a lot of people might imagine could be inappropriate in some ways and turn it into something spectacular.  Speaking like a proud father and a seasoned professional, I can tell you that she is a gifted, gifted actress and this will just be one part in a long line of tremendous performances in her career.”

I’mma let that whole “seasoned professional” thing slide, but rest assured I can’t remember the last time I saw Don Johnson in anything noteworthy.  Oh, wait, scratch that.  His portrayal of an asshole plantation owner in Django Unchained was actually pretty decent, though I had to IMDB it to be sure it was him.  I digress.  My bigger issue is WHY ARE PEOPLE DYING TO KNOW IF DAKOTA’S PARENTS ARE MEGA JAZZED TO SEE THEIR DAUGHTER IN THIS KIND OF MOVIE?  Maybe some parents have an awesome, open, empowering, sex-is-no-big-deal relationship with their kids.  And that’s great.  But I think I speak for a majority of people when I say, there is NO WAY I would sit next to my dad while he watched me get it on like that.  Huh-uh.  No thank you.  Barf-o-rama.  He could just as easily be proud of me approximately 50 miles away from the nearest movie theater, thank you very much.  I once walked in on him and my mom having their own version of “fun” when I was seven years old, and it’s scarred me for over two decades now. Blerrrggggg.

The uninteresting movie poster is more than enough for Don Johnson, okay? Though I will say my favorite part of Don Johnson’s reasoning is his blatant diss to Twilight:

“I’ve never seen The Vampire Diaries, I’ve never seen Twilight. It’s in a category of films that I just wouldn’t be interested in.”

LOL. *fist bump.*

(Image: Tumblr)

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