Transformers: Age of Extinction comes out in theaters today. That’s the fourth installment in Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise. You’d think putting the word “extinction” in a movie’s title would point towards it being the last one in the series, but alas, there are also fifth and sixth installments in the works. It’s kind of like when 2 Fast 2 Furious came out and everyone was like, “Whoa there, if you’re going too fast and too furious I guess that’s the end of these movies. Don’t want to go overboard.” And then we got seventy-five more of them.
But back to Transformers. I have seen exactly zero of these movies. Wait, let me quickly do a recount in my head. Nope, still zero. Even though I have no experience with these films (or whatever toy/cartoon/Tolstoy novel/12-year-old boy’s drawing they were based on), I feel it’s my duty to provide a helpful guide to understanding them since the new one’s out. Kind of like when I told you all about those many superhero movies I’d never seen. It’s my way of letting other non-fans know that they’re not alone in their ignorance, while causing fan-fans to despise me with every fiber of their Transformers-understanding being. I’ve watched the trailers and read the titles, so it’s time share my vast wealth of nonexistent knowledge.
The Iron Giant, Iron Man, the Jaegers from Pacific Rim, and the robot boxers from that Hugh Jackman movie all band together to cause more structural damage than Godzilla and the Avengers combined. Meanwhile Shia LaBeouf stars as a guy who spends the whole movie yelling, “I’m not on the Disney Channel anymore!” while he tries to protect Megan Fox’s boobs from danger. At one point you can see Michael Bay reflected in a mirror counting his money.
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Rumor has it this movie, which was originally titled Transformers: Based On The Five Pages Of The Da Vinci Code We Read, came about after Michael Bay saw Shia LaBeouf in that Indiana Jones movie and decided to typecast him in stories about archaeology. Megan Fox returns for her role as Hot Babe Who Leans Over Cars And Motorcycles. And this time, it’s personal, because I could be reading this wrong, but I’m pretty sure one of those robots adopted Shia as his son.
3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
The title of this one was obviously the result of a typo in Michael Bay’s email with the subject “NEW ROBOT MOVIE I WANNA MAKE GIVE ME MONEY.” There was clearly supposed to be a “side” in there, and it would have been two hours of that prism from the Pink Floyd cover. But then they had to change the whole plot and make it about Shia LaBeouf doing more of that “getting dramatically out of his yellow car” thing. Megan Fox got extreme plastic surgery for this one to look exactly like Rosie Huntington-Whitely, but then she got it reversed to look almost like Megan Fox again.
4. Transformers: Age of Extinction
Everyone who was in those other movies had a thing on the day they filmed this one, so they had to get a bunch of new mildly talented actors to be in it. Also Stanley Tucci is there fulfilling his contract to be in at least ten movies a year wearing thick frame glasses. Mark Wahlberg is there too doing his best Andy Samberg doing Mark Wahlberg, and there’s a token British lady in business clothes. I’m pretty sure this is just a remake of the first movie, except instead of the main character having a hot girlfriend he has a hot daughter.
5. Transformers 5 & 6
Pretty sure these two are just going to be feature-length home videos of Michael Bay playing with action figures in his bathtub. Full of money, of course.