In case you were wondering how Ed Sheeran‘s first time was, the answer is apparently ‘not great’. Celebrities! They’re just like us! I guess I assumed that being famous would put some sort of otherworldly glow over the whole encounter, but apparently fumbling through your first time in a pile of diamonds on top of a grand piano is just as disappointing as doing it on a shabby duvet cover in a condo inhabited by a very judgmental cat.
I should probably take a moment to clarify that Ed Sheeran has never claimed to have lost his virginity in a pile of piano-diamonds. That was just the most A-List environment I could think of, and he didn’t bother clarifying where and when and who and what in his conversation with ELLE, inspired by tweets sent in from fans. All he really talked about was how:
ELLE: “Claire Wind (@got_claire) mentions that you sold out Madison Square Garden three times. What felt better: That or losing your virginity?”
Ed: “Probably selling out Madison Square Garden three times.”
Which for a second I responded to like ‘ooooh burrrrnnnn!’ but then I started wondering if I’d ever had sex that felt better than selling out Madison Square Garden even once. Or if any of us have! And then I got sad and quiet and ate a bunch of pretzel rods.
ELLE: “Your first time wasn’t memorable?”
Ed: “It’s a benchmark in my life, but it wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever done.”
Damn, I hope the girl you lost it to isn’t reading this right now, because I can’t really think of a less romantic word than ‘benchmark’. Not even ‘milestone’? That at least has a tinge of enjoyment to it, versus just checking something off your life to-do list. But regardless, I’m just so filled with relief that not even famous people get to hear trumpets and see rainbows that I’ll try to let it slide.