In news that makes me want to vom all over my keyboard, Jill Duggar opened up to
her family People about what it’s like to finally kiss Derick Dillard. For those of you who haven’t followed this courtship from start to finish, you should know that Jill didn’t kiss Derick until their wedding day. Which is totally normal…if you’re raised by parents who claim “Jinger” is pronounced “Ginger” with a straight face. Otherwise it’s kind of an “OMG, holy shit” type of situation. Because you know, first kisses are awkward enough. But going from first kiss to first sex all in one day must be the worst. Especially if you’ve never seen a penis before. Lord knows they’re funny-looking! (No really, the Lord does know, being the penis’ creator and all.)
While I don’t want to get too deep into Duggar Fanfic, I have spent (too much?) time thinking about their first night together. And how many times Derick confused her belly button for her babyport. As well as how many times throughout the night Jill looked up at the ceiling and thought to herself, “that’s it? IS THAT IT? AFTER ALL THESE YEARS LEADING UP TO THIS MOMENT, THAT’S REALLY IT? C’MON!” Sadly (fortunately?) Jill’s keeping these details to herself..for now. Instead she’s just gushing about Derick’s kissing skillz.
“I thought about it and decided to dip her,” the groom says. Was it worth the wait? “He’s a great kisser,” Jill gushes. “All his trumpet playing paid off!”
Record scratch. WHHHAAATTTT. I’ve never played a trumpet before in my life, but I have seen one played and I don’t think it involves the same mechanisms as kissing. Unless of course, Jill’s magically endowed with the ability to play musical notes out of her orifices when Derick attaches his mouth to hers. In that case, yes, all that trumpet playing did indeed pay off! And how lucky for Derek to get not only an incubator out of this marriage, but also an instrument. (Jim Bob clearly undersold her virginity.) Most of all, how lucky for Jill that she’s never kissed before and has no idea that her husband totally sucks at it.