Two of my favorite trashy reality shows on television are Tabatha’s Salon Takeover and Dance Moms. (Tell anyone that and I will vehemently deny it.) So, imagine my joy when I heard about Abby’s Studio Rescue on Lifetime: it seemed that it would be a combination of all that I find glorious in this world!
Well, much to my dismay, it was far from a joyous viewing experience. I’d say my experience during the series premiere of Abby’s Studio Rescue could be summed up with a quote from the seminal movie of our generation, Bridesmaids. In response to the request that she move back to coach class in three seconds, Kristen Wiig’s character Annie Walker says, “You can’t get anywhere in three seconds. You’re setting me up for a loss already.” Well, that’s basically how I feel about this show. I have never said the phrase, “oh, okay,” out loud to the air and the moose hat sitting on the couch next to me (don’t ask) more times in my entire life than I did in the one hour that it took to watch this show. I think I even actively face-palmed a few times, but I can’t be sure. In order to share all of the emotions that I have with you, here’s a brief sampling of the times that I outwardly shouted “Oh, Okay,” at the screen.
1. When the beginning credits rolled and Abby Lee Miller’s sledgehammer was bejeweled. I feel like that would not be a functional tool, and also that Abby would be more worried about accidentally knocking off the rhinestones rather than hitting her mark.
2. When Abby walked into the dance studio and had so much bronzer/self-tanner/orange paint on her face that she LITERALLY GLOWED. And not the good kind of glow. (I’m assuming that there’s a good kind of glow here. I wouldn’t know, I’m paler than Casper the Friendly Ghost after he’s been dipped in flour and coated in vanilla frosting. Read: I am very pale.)
3. When there was definitely only one boy in the 50+ person dance company. His name was Michael. He was wonderful. He was one of the two dancers that wasn’t the owner’s daughter that got his own little confessional scene and did a funky jig when the dance studio reopened. And although we’ve never met in person, I can only imagine that he is a miniature sass machine. I hereby decree that he follow Abby around to every studio that she attempts to rescue purely for entertainment value.
4. When Abby walked in, saw that the dancers were really bad, and then was all, “SURPRISE! YOU HAVE FOUR DAYS TO BE JUST AS GOOD AS THE DANCERS THAT I’VE BEEN TRAINING SINCE THEY WERE IN THE WOMB!” At this point I proceeded to throw the aforementioned moose hat at the TV screen in a physical representation of my “oh, okay” moment.
5. When the big production number was set to dubstep. But Michael was heavily featured in the performance, so, like, I guess I can forgive that.
6. When Abby tried to explain to the owner of the dance studio what was wrong with her leadership skills, but I couldn’t stop looking at Abby’s neon green jelly rings. And then I tried to take her seriously again but the jelly rings were purple this time and I couldn’t stop wondering whether Barney the Dinosaur would be wanting his accessories back any time soon.
7. When Abby brought the Dance Dads in and was all, “Congratulations, menfolk, you will all fix this dance studio now.” This building probably should have been condemned and was definitely not up to any sort of health or fire code, so maybe we should get some professional workmen up in here? Just a suggestion? I guess that’s just the #dancedad life.
8. When one of the moms expressed concern that the studio owner had yet to see her child’s performance, and the owner replied, “That’s not accurate, I have seen the routine, I just haven’t seen the updated routine.” So, what you’re saying is you’ve seen the routine, but not really at all? Well, as long as we’re all on the same page here.
9. When one of the moms said that the community showcase was “everything for our future.” CUE FACE PALM AND WHALE FACE AND EVERY OTHER INTERNET EMOTICON/MEME/WHATEVER THE KIDS ARE CALLING THEM THESE DAYS TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH “OH, OKAY” CAME OUT OF MY BODY AT THIS MOMENT.
10. Any time that there was clearly some sort of product placement happening. Subtle, Abby. Subtle.
All together now: