• Mon, Jun 23 - 8:30 am ET

The Four Characters That Need To Die Before True Blood Ends

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The final season of True Blood started and I am a few months away from finally being free of this terrible show that I continue to watch. [Major spoilers ahead from last night's season premiere, so proceed with caution.] I don’t believe in guilty pleasures because I think if you enjoy something, you should embrace liking it. But at this point, I think I’m just guilty since there is VERY LITTLE pleasure involved. At times this show is so ridiculous, it’s entertaining; especially if Anna Camp is on screen.

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But going into this new season, I realized that if they just got rid of a few terrible characters, this show could be marginally better! All of them are main characters that have been there from the start, but I just think the town of Bon Temps would be so much better off if they could get rid of them and move on.

1. Sookie Stackhouse

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In the wise words of Pam: “I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name.” Yeah, that about sums up my feelings. Sookie might not need to die per se, but girlfriend needs to go live on a tropical island far far away from me. In the premiere, she decides that the perfect time to go for a walk alone in the woods to clear her head was while Hep V vampires were running around killing people. A lack of common sense seems to run in the Stackhouse family. She usually means well and sometimes rarely I really enjoy Sookie, but I honestly can’t wrap my head around why every man that blows into Bon Temps falls in love with her. I can’t wait to watch her cry her way through this whole season while choosing between the three men in love with her. It should be a blast.

2. Bill Compton

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The only time I can ever deal with Bill is when he is being fatherly to Jessica. That’s it. Bill has never been a character I loved, but I truly detested him once he became King of Louisiana. His ego went from zero to Kanye West in the matter of minutes and honestly it’s not that impressive. Call me when you’re king of more than one state. He’s manipulative, self righteous and he somehow bores me to tears anytime he is on the screen. He’s literally said “I am the chosen one,” and that really seems to be working out for everybody. But by everybody I mean no one.

3. Tara Thornton

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Not even five minutes into the season premiere, Tara got killed off. So I guess one down, three more to go. Only thing is, I don’t believe that she’s actually dead. I know her mom was pretty convincing and covered in a lot of blood. But on a show like True Blood, I don’t believe it unless I see it with my own eyes. Plus, Pam would have felt Tara’s death even though she was halfway across the world. Tara has consistently been the worst and I’m aware she’s been through a lot, but unless you haven’t been paying attention, so has everyone else. Everybody’s lives suck in Bon Temps and I have no patience for someone who constantly thinks they’re a special snowflake. So I felt no emotion when her character was presumed dead and most people in the town didn’t seem to care either. Sookie, Jason and Jessica all had an emotional moment, but nothing major. Honestly, Sookie seemed to feel more upset about hurting Alcide’s feelings than the death of her best friend.

4. Sam Merlotte

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Sam started out as the “nice guy” who gets put in the “friend zone” by Sookie and is only further pissed off when Sookie starts dating “bad guy” Bill. Well, I have news for you Sam, you’re not all that nice and the friend zone doesn’t exist. This guy can shapeshift into a dog and he is always more concerned about what girl he’s going to date next. He’s useless, he’s boring, he’s annoying. Please go away forever.

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  • elle

    I definitely agree about Tara, but honestly I’ve hated her since the pilot. And I hate how much TV Sookie has moved away from book Sookie. TV Soookie has gotten really annoying.

  • Lily Savage

    I don’t watch True Blood, but the commercials are all over HBO and I’m already so sick of Sookie.

  • Lackadaisical

    “Well, I have news for you Sam, you’re not all that nice and the friend zone doesn’t exist.”

    Forget True Blood, this ought to be said to every guy who moans about how unfair it is that the person they fancy doesn’t fancy them back and then gets all self righteous and condescending by claiming that it is because they are a “nice guy” and women are idiots who only fancy wrong ‘uns. Sorry, (not sorry) but if you think you are owed another person’s love just because you think you love them then you are not a “nice guy” and if a woman actually finds you attractive then being a friend won’t get in the way of developing the relationship into something more intimate.