Stolen From The Womb Reminds Us That Being A Lifetime Movie Baby Sucks

Lifetime movie Stolen From the Womb June 2014

If reincarnation exists, I’ve got my fingers crossed I don’t come back next time as a Lifetime movie baby, because in that case I’m definitely screwed. As last night’s Stolen From the Womb reminded us, Lifetime movie babies really can’t catch a break. If they’re born to teenage mothers they’ll have to deal with incompetent parenting and poor living situations. If they’re carried by a surrogate, that surrogate will probably claim them as her own. If they’re left unattended for more than five seconds, someone will snatch them. And, as we saw last night, even if they haven’t been born yet, someone already has plans to steal them.

We open in a hospital room, where Chelsey (Laura Mennell) gives birth to a stillborn baby. Oh no that’s really sad, but I’m sure she won’t resort to anything rash later in the movie because of it. Actually, scratch that, I am sure she’ll do that, because the movie’s called Stolen From the Womb and Lifetime has taught me that women who can’t have babies of their own are all psychopaths. So it’s a good thing the baby-stealing won’t take me by surprise.

Cut to months in the future, and we meet Diane, a pregnant woman with a professor husband and a perfect life. Every baby-stealing movie has to have one in order for the baby-stealer to have someone to steal the baby from. It’s in the “How to Write a Baby-Stealing Movie” handbook. Diane is played by Larisa Oleynik. That name might not mean much to you. But what if I told you she played Alex Mack? If you’re a ’90s kid it’s very likely your head just exploded, so take a moment to clean up and then we can move on. Ready? Wonderful.

Diane and Chelsey meet for the first time in a pregnant yoga class. That’s right, Chelsey’s pregnant again. And she and Diane happen to be due around the same time. It’s perfect for when Chelsey will inevitably have a miscarriage, pretend she’s still pregnant, and steal someone else’s baby to pass as her own. Or whatever’s gonna happen, I don’t know. Chelsey and Diane become fast friends, fast enough for Chels to start unloading all her sadness onto Diane. Like how she and her husband separated after she suffered three miscarriages in a year. You wanted a lady villain with past trauma? There you go.

Like I said before, Chelsey ends up having another miscarriage, but she decides to just not tell anyone about it so they think she’s still pregnant. Eventually this involves wearing a fake baby bump and pretending to go to doctor’s appointments. All the while she’s practically stalking poor clueless Diane and spending her free time singing lullabies to a teddy bear in a rocking chair. You know, typical baby crazy stuff.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Cbalducc

      There’s an old song with the lyrics “And if you’re born a woman, you’re born to be hurt”. That should be Lifetime’s motto.

    • Trevor

      Fun fact, Jill: Corey Sevier (the actor that plays Chelsey’s clueless boyfriend) was also in two other Lifetime movies: Student Seduction and Gospel Of Deceit.

    • Melissa

      I just finished watching this… Sigh.

    • atr

      I have delivered 3 children and I was disgusted by the blood in the birth scenes. I also am irked on a regular basis how in every show/ movie every girl who is pregnant is always carrying a basketball baby. I mean come on! I was swollen head to toe with at least 2 of the babies! Anyways ok flick I guess..Enjoy Jill’s take sometimes better than actual flick!

    • Kim

      I just stumbled on the site recently after deciding to watch Lifetime movies again after a long boycot. The reviews here are very funny and often better than the movies. This movie was ok. These Lifetime heroines are really bad judges of character. I would have steered clear of those crazy eyes from day one. I currently am pregnant and taking a prenatal yoga class, now to be on the safe side, I will steer clear of strangers who happen to be due around the same time as me. I got sucked into the surrogacy trap, which played after this. Just as crazy. Glad I don’t need a surrogate.

    • Cbalducc

      All of Lifetime’s movies this weekend seemed to leave the impression that a woman can only be happy if she doesn’t have children or want children.

    • tasha mitchell

      Great article and okay movie. I think it is awesome CDH finally got some awareness beacuse very few people have ever heard of it. The movie definitely down played how serious it actually is but the movie isn’t about CDH it is about an insane lady who enjoys stealing babies.

    • What Todo

      most of the actors just had a role in ABC Motive

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