All that intense Photoshopping Kim Kardashian was forced to do on her wedding photo must have done something terrifying to her brain, because her husband Kanye West had a birthday earlier this month, and instead of buying him an enormous gold statue of himself or a leather skirt encrusted with diamonds or maybe just a relaxing jacuzzi full of hundred dollar bills, she bought him a poor person present. It reportedly cost… [leans in close, looks around to make sure no one can hear, lowers voice to a whisper] $20. Nay, even worse — it was $19.99.
If you’ve recovered consciousness and feel brave enough to continue with this story, I’ve got the details for you. It wasn’t even a fancy $20 present, like a coffee table book from the clearance section of Barnes & Noble or a Cheesecake Factory gift card. It was apparently [whispers again] a board game. Monopoly to be more specific. Maybe Kim thought all those bills in there were real and that she was actually giving Kanye a box full of colorful money.
But what makes this whole story even more insane is that the gift was actually sort of… thoughtful? I never thought I’d type that word in a story about Kim Kardashian, so excuse me if I’m a little shaken up now. Us Weekly reports that it was a customizable My Monopoly game, which won’t be available in stores until August. So I guess that adds a little fanciness to it. Kim apparently put the Palace of Versailles and Fort Belvedere on the board. In case you don’t obsessively stalk Kimye’s every action, those are the locations of their rehearsal festivities and wedding, respectively. Ew gross, sentimentality. Why on Earth would you want that when you already have fame and money and boob-baring blouses?
Poor Kanye. Do you think he tried to fake a smile when he opened it? Did it break his face? Do you think he and Kim spent three hours setting up the game board before realizing how boring being poor is and giving up? Would Kanye admit to really being 37? Am I asking too many questions?