Angelina Jolie Can’t Get Married Yet Because She Forgot To Make Any Female Friends

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt attending the End Sexual Violence conference in London June 2014If any of you have been checking your watch on the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt engagement, I regret to inform you that it’s gonna be a bit longer before we see a wedding out of these two, because Angie forgot to make enough female friends to fill out the bridesmaid section. WHAT AN OVERSIGHT.

Not that we’re keeping track or anything, but it’s been over two years since Bradley put a ring on it, and still we haven’t gotten the gratification of seeing Angelina float down the aisle in a towering cloud of lace as Brad earnestly dabs his eyes at the altar and straightens his tasteful white tails. We’re entitled to that moment, so WHEN IS IT COMING? Well, according to Radar Online, who has very aptly titled this a ‘crisis’, not for quite a while:

“They might let a lot more time go by before tying the knot because she doesn’t have any close women pals she can call on to stand up for her at the ceremony.

Apparently she does enjoy some ladies, like Elle Fanning, 16, Bella Heathcoate, 27, and her brother James Haven’s girlfriend Ashley Reign, but…

“She doesn’t really have a special girlfriend in her own peer group who’s been friends with her for years. [...] Angie’s just one of those women who prefers the company of men.”

Oh man! (No pun intended.) How did you let this happen? Know how I know this story is true, though? Because Angelina has always been very traditional. She and Brad began their relationship in a very standard way, and have been notorious about waiting until after they’re married to start a family, although they’ve been vocal about being excited to have their 2.5 kids and to put up their white picket fence.

“Angelina’s told Brad that they can’t marry until Shiloh’s old enough to be her bridesmaid.”

Until Shiloh is old enough? Shiloh is only eight years old, and she hates dresses! When you asked her to wear one and to pick daisies FOR MONEY in Maleficentshe literally laughed in your face and said no, so how long do you think it’s gonna take her to come around to doing it for free? (Wearing dresses, picking daisies, and chasing butterflies are the top three responsibilities for bridesmaids, as far as I know.)

Long story short, I hope you packed an overnight kit, because unless Angie learns to play nice with other ladies, we’re looking at another ten years or so of unmarried Brangelina.

The struggle is real.

(Photo: Daniel Deme /


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    • Lily

      I’ll be her female friend

      • Alexis Rhiannon


      • markmywords

        You and me both. :-)

    • guest

      too bad she was too busy saving the human race

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Well that was pretty selfish of her, dontcha think?

    • markmywords

      Haha, I’m the same way, but growing up and having kids changes you.
      I’ll be your friend anyday. Call me, Angelina.

    • NYCNanny

      1. They don’t have to get married for OUR gratification. They will get married when they deem appropriate. It’s none of our business.
      2. I HIGHLY doubt (like id put my life on it) that this bridesmaid “issue” is standing in their way of marrying. I actually doubt that’s even a thought bubble in the wedding planning.
      3. You’re saying Jolie doesn’t have female friends because she met her partner while he was married? Way to shame her, Alexis. You’re basically calling her a husband-stealing whore who can’t be trusted by other women.
      4. If you are an example of how women treat each other, I’d be much happier with male friends.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        1. Have you.
        2. Ever.
        3. Heard.
        4. Of satire?

      • Sunshine

        Yes, we have.

        But leave it to the British, they do it better.

        This blog post wasn’t funny or even entertaining. A touch mean spirited, if you ask me,

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Only a touch???

    • Jeannette Moore Wall

      Oh for the love of god. Maybe she just doesn’t really click with women – a lot of us women don’t. I also have no “close” girlfriends because even as a little girl I could not stand the bickering or silliness over boys/clothes/whatever. When I got married my daughter walked me down the aisle and my godchild was my maid of honor. I have four wonderful, smart and funny older sisters and I wouldn’t choose between them so she was it. I respect my gender especially if they act like women and not fishwives. As for this way, way, long time ago issue of “husband stealing” it has never been proven or said by them or others that they did the deed while he was married, they said they fell in love while filming not fell in bed. Plus why is it always the woman that has to wear the scarlet letter? He knew he was married and while I think she is beautiful not like she forced him. See this is why I have a hard time hanging with women because much like your article – silly snide remarks which have no proof and just a lot of maybes. You have just proven why I’d rather hang around the guys at least with them I have a chance at a conversation that is full of crap – smack talk I can handle.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Quick question — have you ever heard of satire?

      • Jeannette Moore Wall

        Quick answer…yes. Longer answer – Satire is meant to be a funny commentary on human nature, vices or their shortcomings while not being overly mean spirited. Maybe we took it as more mean spirit. IMO
        she answered these silly questions about marital status sarcastically and yet quite a few reporters took what she said and wrote article with their own spin about her being so friendless that she has to fall back on her kids to fill a spot. If you write an article, posted it to the net/paper where it has an invite for response don’t get twisted when people respond or critique. You know that old saying “Opinions are like a$$holes, we all got them and they all stink.”

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        In the post I poke fun at the fact that the story probably isn’t true, so you should maybe do a closer read.

      • Jeannette Moore Wall

        Nope…still does change my opinion and I used a magnifying glass but Hey that’s just me.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Still DOES change it! Excellent news!

      • Jeannette Moore Wall

        Well as long as you’re happy with my error then all’s right with the world and we can continue going about the business of life. Slainte!